Rambles

I'm an open person. What you see is what you get. That's the illusion I've gotten so good at creating. I'm brutally honest, I don't back down, I don't run away. And yet somehow I've gotten very adept at protecting myself. Someone once told me that she thought I was afraid of committment. This was her reasoning for why...after all these years...I've managed to remain single.

I guess my mind has turned to love lately because it's the holidays...because I'm watching a very close friend teeter on the brink...and because everyone's been asking me about it lately. The truth is, I make a great Dear Abby. I dole out advice, honesty, and support in equal doses. I'm terrific at being able to see into someone else's life and help them see things more clearly. And then there's my life. Isn't that always the way it goes?

In business I have a single minded dedication that helps me be successful. Personally speaking I have a deep, dark secret. I put up a lot of walls on purpose. The truth is, I'm cautious when it comes to my heart. The reason? Because I already know....I do everything with intensity...and I never say die. I know that applies to love, too. My closest friends already know that deep down where it counts, I'm soft and loving despite my hard outer shell.

I guess I'm kinda like M & M's that way. And despite my sunny, cynical exterior...I'm a forever kind of girl. So I don't give my heart away...not easily anyway. Playing with boys and flirting...toying with them...that's easy. And it keeps them at arms length. But for me, marriage...that kind of committment...I don't make lightly. To me that's a lifetime thing, so I distance myself...shielding with flirting, and playing, and honesty. So why NOT have fun in the meantime. Nobody's tempted me to share forever yet...

A Piece Of Me

A friend of mine had me thinking about things lately...and because of him, I found myself exploring me...well, the one that used to have time to write. Doing so, I started to look at some of my old things...and I came across something I'd done years ago... It made me nostalgic. I think maybe I need to pick up my pen again. I wrote this back in '94. It might be interesting to see what kind of polish I've gained...not to mention insight...over the years.

Gifts

There aren't many people
I let inside my heart;
Too often they don't care enough
To see beyond the start.

They don't see past externals,
They don't look past my face.
I hide myself away from them
In a very private place.

When I thought I fooled the world
I found you standing there,
Looking past my outer self
Finding my heart bare.

You gazed inside and saw the truth
My hopes, my dreams, my fears.
You, alone, understood
I laughed to hide my tears.

I tried hard not to love you,
I fought so hard to hide.
You would not be pushed away;
You never left my side.

You're the only one who's loved me
through the good and the bad
And so I gave my heart to you,
The most precious gift I had.