Words That Make You Stop And Think...

"Why do we always assume that the church is only for the people who need it the least?"

These were words spoken by a minister at a church in my area I was checking out last Sunday. It made me pause. He continued talking about the fact that it seems as though when we're most troubled...that's also when we're most likely to turn away from church and God...in shame. He cited examples like someone who'd lost their job feeling embarassed about facing his/her church family. Or someone who recently had surgery, then got addicted to pain meds not coming to church anymore because of their shame. Or a couple in marital trouble not wanting the church to know they were struggling, so they decide not to go. You get the basic idea.

And as I sat in that church pew I knew he was right! When we're struggling or hurt or have fallen down...the people you should be most able to count on to pick you up and help you through should be your family! Not just your biological family, but your spiritual one.

Why is it that instead of bringing our hurts to God, our first instincts are to run and hide, kind of like Eve in the garden? The God I know is a loving God, not a vengeful one. He knows the hurts are there. He waits for you to share them with him so that he can pick you up, kiss the wound and help you move on! Is it because of our stubborn and prideful natures that our emotional wounds take so long to heal? Because we refuse to let him see the cut, clean the wound and mend our hearts? I think maybe it is.

There have been many trying, challenging times in my life. And yet at the crux of some of my weakest moments...that's when I felt he carried me. When Jonathan died, there would be times that hit where I was inconsolable. I didn't think the hurting would ever stop. And yet in those times he sent people into that exact moment of my life...sometimes just to hold me as I cried, sometimes to listen to me talk, sometimes to make me laugh. Other times he gave me someone else who was hurting worse...to remind me to get over myself and that I was needed to be that person for someone else.

And that's just one of the examples of how he's always been there for me...I could list off countless other ones.

So when lately I'd been feeling at loose ends...I started realizing I needed more balance. I hadn't included the most important part of myself in the happiness in my life. I decided that what I needed wasn't just to make time for my physical health, but also my spiritual health.

Starting last week I decided it is time to work on me. So I started exercising daily. Afterall, my body is a temple. So far I've managed to consistently exercise for the last 5 of 6 days. Even better, my decision seems to have spurned Kirk on to join me in my fight to get fit. I came home the other day and he was exercising. Yesterday, because he felt like a cold was coming on, we decided the best exercise for him would be walking. So we put Izzy on her lead and took a 30 minute walk together.

I also realized that I missed my fellowship with other believers and I needed a stronger connection with Him! So I've been doing my daily devotionals every morning. I've also been praying for guidance in my word and deed that He would put the right words into my mouth not only to help build my team, but to also be a reflection of Him. I prayed for guidance and understanding, prayed for my friends who are going through medical and emotional hardships, prayed for my loved ones. And I've been trying to find a church in the area that I like. The church I went to last week is the first one I checked out. I liked what I saw and the words of the minister spoke to my heart. I plan on going back this week.

And it's funny. I'm not really a preachy person, yet it seems lately as though since I've made this decision, I'm more focused, more centered...and have found myself having more opportunity to talk about God and faith. I'm thinking there's a message from God in there, somewhere. Isn't it great that He gives us choices? His message to me is coming across loud and clear...I think it's probably best that I listen.

A Little Wedding This And That

I wanted some cool, artistic pictures taken of my ring, so while I was out in Illinois visiting my family, my sister took a few. I really enjoyed the way she placed them, so I thought I'd share them. The flowers were given to me by the florist at http://www.westmontfloralshop.com They were sample flowers that she showed to me while going over ideas on how to design my bouquet & those of my bridesmaids. I really enjoyed meeting my consultant. She is the owner of the shop, she knows her stuff, she didn't make any assumptions about whether we'd be giving her the business or not...and she wasn't pushy.


This week we drove back to visit our families. We stayed at his brother, Gary's home. Gary and Sandi, his wife, recently purchased a new home in Tinley Park, a few minutes down the way from their parents & sister. Their house is absolutely gorgeous. Even better, we got to hang out with their little 1 year old son, Kirk's godson, Derek. He's at that stage where he's starting to take his first steps. He's just too cute...and with such a sweet disposition. I think he's really going to make a wonderful ring bearer! He and Natalie's daughter are going to make great contrasts to each other. He's blond with blue eyes, she's dark haired with blue eyes.


While I was there I spent a couple of days with my mom & my sister. We did some galavanting for the wedding. As stated above, we were able to find a florist I liked. Even better, Mom decided she wanted to pay for the florist. So we were able to book the florist immediately and I didn't have to shop around. Of course she was also recommended by a friend of my sister's who had a wedding party of 70 people (Filipino wedding) when she got married.

After the florist we had an appointment with a photography group. Because we were late leaving the florist, we left her sitting for almost an hour. We DID talk to her so that she knew we were running late, but she was beyond patient. And the work she had to show me was fabulous. The packages were great, too...and quite frankly, anyone who's willing to wait around that long at a Panera Bread deserved our business as long as the work was acceptable. And the work was great! So immediately following the florist, we were able to book the photographer. We went with http://www.bellapictures.com/. While we were in the consultation a lady walked up and said that they did her wedding and that she was so pleased with their work. The hilarious part was that my consultant, Lisa, was afraid we'd think she paid this lady to put in the good word. Along with my package I'm getting free parent albums, free mini-albums & a free engagement photo shoot!

Lastly, we went to go look for my sister's maid-of-honor dress. The initial dress I chose for her got discontinued a week after I'd selected it. So we went to http://www.thehouseofbrides.com in Schaumburg. She tried on several dresses, but we finally found one that we liked for her...and it fit her like a glove. So we ordered it. We noticed that http://www.davidsbridal.com was across the street, so we figured we'd stop there and I could show my mom the dress that I wanted. While there, we wound up buying the dress, the shoes, the undergarments, the tiara, the veils (both elbow length & cathedral length) and the jewelry. The best part is, this guarantees that Kirk won't see my gown before the wedding. It'll be at my sister's place.

Yup, in 1 day we got SO MUCH done! The best part was that my mom and sister got to be a part of it! I'd forgotten how much fun we can have when we all get together. We did a lot of laughing that day. We ended the evening by meeting Rich, Chris's sweetheart, at Maggiano's in Oakbrook.

Excitement Builds...

Well, we've finally decided on a reception hall. I sent the deposit off last week. I, of course, am driving Kirk crazy with all the wedding talk. Haha! But he'll be fine... He knows that I'm just trying to accomplish as much as possible now since I'll be completely useless in the months of November, December and January...simply by the nature of my job.

Amber and Ben are throwing Kirk and I an engagement party down here in Florida. We're gonna do a picnic/tailgate style party...uber casual. Hey, it's Florida, and it's totally me and Kirk. We're not super formal people...though we do firmly believe that there is a time and place for that sort of thing. We're setting that date for March 22nd. Initially we were gonna do it in February, but then my sister wouldn't have been able to make it.

Kirk's sister-in-law and brother are finalizing the guest list for his side of the family. This means we'll have a much better idea of a difinitive headcount. I'll be thrilled when that's done. I've created a wedding website on weddingchannel.com, and that's pretty cool. It gives our friends and family a chance to leave us messages, to know where we're registered (which I've found out should actually be done...even if you have most of what you need...because some people feel it's rude not to) and to also know where the wedding and reception are going to be and how to get there. We'll also have, on that website, where our out of town guests can stay.

My mom has been really great. She's offered to pay for my dress...and she's planning on throwing me a bridal shower in IL. I'm starting to think on who should be invited to this party to give to my mother.

My sister Vanessa is no longer going to be standing up in the wedding. It was a mutual decision. For her it was about affordability and whether or not she'll be able to make it. For me it was worrying about whether or not she'd be able to afford it or make it...and also knowing she really wouldn't be able or available to help with any of the planning and other bridesmaid duties. Instead, my close friend, Susan, will be standing up with me.

For that matter, I'm not even sure if my dad will make it. It's not really a major loss...I'm used to him not showing up anyway. It would also simplify things for my mom. As it is, she'd rather not lay eyes on him...and if he brings his wife (the woman he cheated on my mom with) it may reopen some old wounds for her...and that's the last thing I'd want. I know she'd be fine. She's a classy lady. She's happy with her husband and her life. But I would rather not put her through that.

I've already told him that she's the one who will walk me down the aisle. He's also not been able to say difinitively yes or no regarding his coming. I'd do a father/daughter dance if he showed up...but if he didn't come...I hate to say it...I wouldn't be heartbroken. In some ways, I think I might even be a bit relieved. The oddest part is my family on my dad's side would completely understand. In fact, several of them were surprised that I even offered him to have any part in the wedding after the way he's been my whole life. For me, though, I've long since come to the conclussion that it's not healthy to hold on to that kind of bitterness and hurt. It has a tendency to take you over and color your perception of life. I refuse to let the that happen. Instead, I choose to embrace the good things that came from my youth...my tenacity, my strength, my focus, my singlemindedness, my ability to overcome the odds.

And this wedding is all about celebration...of me, of us...of who we've grown up to be. I'm proud of the people we've become.... Nothing and no one will take that away from us.

Suddenly Feeling More Real!

I'm off this week, so we've been doing some much needed housework, as well as some wedding planning and research. Yesterday I called several places that were in the running for my reception hall and asked some final questions. Kirk called his mom to try to get a more detailed guestlist for his family. (There's so many of them that it's hard to keep track!!!)

Also, I've had this thought niggling in the back of my head, and I finally decided to address it. I'd asked my half-sister, Vanessa, to stand up in my wedding as a bridesmaid. After the bridal expo I went to on Sunday, though, and some of the things my dad told me on our last conversation...I was beginning to have second thoughts.

Here's the problem. My half-sister is 20 years old and very young/immature. She's living with her boyfriend, but my dad and his wife still support her...up to and including paying for her gas. Sorry, but once you move out of the house, you sort of lose the right to expect them to take care of these things. She's hard, if not impossible, to reach. She's always got money problems. Some of the important duties for a bridesmaid include helping to plan the wedding, buying your dress for that day, and in her case, buying her plane ticket. And with my dad telling me that he was having difficulty making ends meet because he was supporting her...and hearing that she took a $3000 loan and blew the money inside a week on her boyfriend...and that she was now behind on those payments...I really started second guessing myself. I don't need that kind of stress surrounding my big day. I don't need to worry that she can't afford her gown, or she may not be able to pay for her plane ticket. So I'm talking to my dad today and letting him know that although I'd like her to be a part of the wedding, maybe this capacity is the wrong one for her. I'll give her a reading...this way if she's there or not, it's ok. And she can wear whatever she wants...so there's no additional expenses.

With that being decided firmly in my head, I asked another of my close friends from high school, Suzan, if she'd be my bridesmaid. She accepted. She's dying to introduce me to her new guy and to meet Kirk...who she's heard so much about, but not met. And she's offered to take some engagement pictures for us....for free! So stay tuned. I'll post them as I get them.

Today I also reserved the reception venue. We'll be having it at the Drury Lane in Oakbrook! I'm so excited about this. It's classy, it's elegant...and it's reasonably priced! Here are some pictures that my sister took when checking out the facility for me.

So now I feel as though I've accomplished something pretty major with the wedding planning. We've got our bridal party picked out.

This is my sister, my maid-of-honor, and her boyfriend, Rich...who will also be a groomsman.

This is Derek, Kirk's nephew and god-son. He's our little ring bearer...he'll be up and walking by then.

This is Gary, Kirk's brother and best man...holding his son, Derek.

The girl in the purple top here is my friend Suzan, who will be standing up as a bridesmaid.

These are Ben and Amber. They will also be standing up. They're some of our closest friends since moving to Florida. Amber works with me...Ben used to work with Kirk and I.
This is Ben, Kirk, and Mike...during one of our 4th of July extravaganzas. Mike will also be a groomsman at the wedding. He got married on my birthday this year.

This is Natalie, my matron-of-honor...with her daughter, Sienna, my flower girl.

The only couple not pictured are Kirk's Sister, Laura...and her husband, Mark. For some reason I can't find my pictures of them. It's just another hint that I need to clean my house. But in the meantime, now I feel like I've finally gotten something accomplished with our wedding plans.

Oh, and I think I've decided to march down the aisle to Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring. My sister says she knows an excellent flautist who can play along with the professional organist. I think it's gonna sound amazing!

Yup! I'm starting to get excited.

Just So Typical!

Kirk and I have been best friends since I was 19 years old. I'm 35 now. We've dated off and on since I was 20...and lived together during those 15 years. Since becoming engaged I've heard comments like "see? It pays to be patient." or "It's about time" alluding to the assumption that Kirk has been taking his time to get to the altar. I don't know why everyone assumed that he was the one who wasn't ready. Maybe it's because he's a man. They'd be wrong.

But Kirk's a gentleman in many unspoken ways. He took all the assumtions and never corrected anyone. He never wanted anyone to look at me as though I was defective or pressure me into rushing into this decision. He just waited for me...ever patient. Just like he was back in the beginning of our relationship. Back then he waited to ask me out, knowing I wasn't ready.

How did we finally come to be engaged? It's funny, really. We'd been talking about it quite a bit lately. That was his cue that I was finally ready to get serious about being married. Knowing me the way he does, he knew that although it may take time for me to come to the decision to get married, once I got there it's all full steam ahead.

So we started talking marriage and figuring out that we both wanted to go back home to Chicago to get married. We're both big family people and wanted them to be able to be a part of one of the biggest events of our lives. We started talking dates and savings even before we got engaged. We were working on calculating our finances to see what we could afford.

We looked at rings, separately and together. When he remembered that women get two rings, he cracked me up by saying that men get gypped. Where they get one ring that's usually not overly expensive, women get two! And neither one is cheap if the man is doing his job right or going by the salary to ring ratio they give you.

So I saw this pinky ring. It had playing cards on the front and it was diamond encrusted. His name was written all over it. So I thought I'd do something cool for him and buy it as an engagement gift and set it aside to give to him wheneveer he decided to propose. I hid it from him in a place I knew he wouldn't find it.But like all good plans, things went awry!

Kirk was one of those kids that caused his mom to hide his Christmas presents at the neighbor's house because he had an uncanny knack of finding them early and getting into them. I should've remembered that. So when I came home on Saturday, June 7th and found out that he'd managed to find the ring I'd bought him, I was upset.

I grabbed the ring from it's hiding space and threw the box at him (being a former athlete, he caught it) and told him that since he already knew about it, he might as well just have it. He couldn't understand why I was upset at first. I told him that he wasn't supposed to receive that ring until after I'd gotten mine. He reminded me that we'd never done anything traditionally, but it didn't change how I felt. And the more I kept thinking about it, the more disgruntled I became. I started to get upset, thinking that maybe our marriage talk was premature. Maybe he hadn't asked because he wasn't ready. Maybe I'd misread things and pushed him into telling his family that we were planning on getting married.

When I voiced it out loud, he just looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Babe, I know you can be pushy, but you know as well as I do that even you can't make me do anything I don't want to do."He was right. It's part of what I love about him. So I sat down on the couch and tried to calm down. He walked into the bedroom, then called me in there. The way my day was going, I figured that my dog had eaten or chewed through something again. So I walked into the room asking, "What did Izzy eat now?"I looked around for the damage when he dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him, ring in hand. How could I resist? I said yes.

And it was a typical "us" moment. He was waiting for the right moment. He wanted to make a grand gesture, but I blew that! He'd had the ring and was scheming to create a romantic scenario. It didn't happen that way because when he saw me get upset, he wanted me to know how much he loved me and that I wasn't pushing him at all. And to me, the bickering, the comedy....that was perfect.

Me, Mom and The Project

My Mom was in town for nearly two weeks...and left at the beginning of May. We have one of those typically tempestuous mother/daughter relationships. I love and respect her. She's someone I really look up to. Despite all that, putting the two of us in the same room for more than a couple hours at a time usually ends with an argument or a fight.

This last visit, for the first time, we spent 5 days together hanging out. And a miracle happened. We didn't fight. Not once. In fact, we had fun together. The first day was spent getting our nails done. The second included shopping for clothes...and also winding up in Home Depot's garden center where she proceeded to buy me fruit trees and fertilizer for my back yard. The third time out, we went to church together up in Sarasota. The fourth trip included buying shrubs for the front yard, mulch, landscaping sheets and more fertilizer...and then putting them into the ground. The last trip included another trip to Home Depot for more gardenias, more mulch, an edger...and then renting a roto-tiller.

We got all the plants in the ground but six gardenias. We got the first corner of my yard mulched...and that was pretty much it. But I promised my mom that I'd work on finishing the landscaping of my yard...especially since she paid for it. So, after today, here's where I am with the project.

We put up some gardenias, some hibiscus, jasmine and another vining red flower. I was actually very proud that I was able to get all the way across the house with the mulch and stuff...and put the last 6 gardenias in the ground.

All I have left to finish is mulching the last corner edge...and mulch the back yard...as well as put up the mesh fence around my veggie/herb garden.

In the back yard I now have a mango tree, two kinds of lemon trees and an orange tree to go with my three oaks. I've also got a mini-produce garden that includes tomatoes, thyme, rosemary, oregano and basil. I'm stoked because my lemon tree has a couple of fruit growing already...and my tomato plant already has about three tomatoes growing on them!




This has been seriously hard work, but completely worth it!!! You know, it was awesome that my mom paid for all of this...but I think the part that meant the most to me was taking on this project and doing it with her. It's been a long time since we've done something like this together. It meant a lot to me.

The Bittersweet

I'm finally thinking about getting married. I guess I'm starting to grow up. Kirk and I are seriously discussing things and finalizing plans. I've even discussed things with my mom and my sister.

I'm excited about the planning and the thinking things out...and considering budgets. We've decided to go back home to Chicago to get married. It'll be September...the only question is whether to do it in '09 or '10.

And yet there's this ominous cloud that's been weighing on me. I would so love to invite one of my closest childhood friends...and one of my mom's closest friends. The problem is that she's married to the man that abused me. And he's also the father of my childhood friend. If I were to invite them I have the very real concern of having this man who I want no where near me to be at the wedding. That day should be a day of happiness and rejoicing...and I refuse to have it marred by the presense of that man.

The downside is that it means I won't be able to invite any of the Filipinos because I don't want anyone hurt or rumors flying. I'll miss the Filipinos at my wedding, but it's for the best.

If that's the only fly in the ointment so far, though, we're off to a pretty good start.

Sometimes It Just Works

It's a strange thing, life. Just when you least expect it, something happens to shake up the monotony. Things have been pretty hectic for me. I haven't had the time or inclination to date. I've been perfectly content to work...and hang out with Kirk the rest of the time. We haven't been together in years. We haven't even really been thinking of each other in that way. We'd come to the conclusion a while back that although we love each other, we're not "in love" with each other....at least not anymore. And yet...lately, there's been a shift.

We spend all our time together and love doing so. Sex has never been the issue with us. In fact, there really WASN'T a real issue. I guess the old addage is true..."marriage takes falling in love over and over again with the same person." I used to believe in that statement in theory. Now I think I really get it.There's no one else I've even been mildly inclined to spend my life with. And we've been living together either as a couple or as best friends now for about 15 years! The time just snuck up on me...I'd never even thought about it until lately. Heck, if you ask my nearest and dearest, they'd say that anyone who could live with me that long and still think I'm pretty cool is pretty amazing...not to mention patient.

So now it comes to this. We've been talking about our lives lately. And suddenly I feel like I've come full circle. We're seriously talking about marriage. I know. Shocker. Me. Marriage. Who'd've thunk it?

Happiness Wrapped In Heartache

Last weekend I went to my cousin, Michael's, wedding. My sister came to town that Thursday evening sans luggage. Why? Because my mom was late picking her up for the airport. She had the option of attemting to make her flight with her luggage coming a day later or trying to run through O'Hare Airport, luggage in hand, and probably miss her flight completely. After I picked her up at the airport the first stop we made was to Walmart to get her some interim clothes, undergarments, and other essentials. Looking back, it was all kind of comedic, but at the time, it was intensely stressful...mostly for Chris.

On to my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful event. It started early in the morning. Mike and Laura got married at 10am on a Saturday morning. The bride was radiant and the groom was thrilled. I was glad to be a part of it all. Four of the six aunts and uncles were able to make it there from up north. I never cry at weddings, but I cried at this one. The bride walked down the aisle escorted by her two young sons...and they gave her away. I found the moment poignant and sweet. It was thoughtful of both of them to include them in that manner.

The reception followed immediately in the church banquet hall. I thought it was awesome because it was a brunch reception. Lots of different kinds of breakfast foods from bagels to fresh fruit to muffins to breakfast casserole. It was light, it was fun, and most important to the bride and groom, it was cost effective yet classy.

The day should have been pretty close to perfect. One thing stood in the way from making it that kind of day. The groom's father and his wife did not come to the wedding. He refused to participate because he was against the union. I don't understand it. I was raised to believe that parents should love their children unconditionally. Maybe you don't always agree with every decision they make, but you support them through it and pray for the best.

I know Mike has been through a lot, but I don't think he deserved that kind of treatment. I understand their reservations. I really do. Mike has only been completely clean and sober for about 2 years now. He got caught up in heroin use when he was young. As it is, heroin is an addiction with a success rate of 1 of 2 people surviving. The odds are already against him. But he's been trying. He's working his program...and plans on using his experiences to do good in the world. He's working on becoming a youth pastor. He feels his personal experiences leave him uniquely qualified to help kids. I happen to agree.

A few months ago, after the date was set, they called a family meeting. My aunt, her ex husband, his new wife, and Mike's siblings and their significant others were all there. At this meeting Mike wanted to the concerns he was sure that they had. My aunt told Mike that she was concerned that he was rushing things...and that he'd been through so much already these last few years that she'd like him to take his time and slow down...but that she'd support him in whatever he did. She also said she had always liked Laura...who's been a schoolmate and friend of all three kids since they were in grade school...so it wasn't like he was marrying a stranger. She just wished they'd wait a bit.

His father, on the other hand, told him that he didn't approve, thought it would be a huge mistake, and he refused to give his support. (And he does marital counseling) Apparently his issue was with the fact that his new bride would be coming to him with a ready made family. His sister, who's a total daddy's little girl, sided with Jim. I found this sad and hypocritical based on their behaviors. Sarah got knocked up by an ex-boyfriend when she was 19. She had a young daughter when she married her husband. Jim cheated on my aunt Linda with a married woman and they broke up two homes when they got together...and they're married now. And yet he's going to cast stones and aspersions at this young lady and Mike for wanting to get married because she already has two sons? Puh-Leeze! What a flipping cop out. He has no room to talk. And then Laura asked Sarah to stand up for her in the wedding because she was one of her oldest friends...only to be told..."sorry, no. I completely agree with my dad. I'll go to the wedding, but I am going to practice tough love right now and not stand up for you guys."

Mike was devastated. He was going to ask his older brother, Dan, to stand up in the wedding, but after what happened with Sarah...he was afraid to ask. He couldn't take much more rejection. And the saddest part was that Dan WANTED to stand up...and never got the opportunity because of the selfish behaviors of his dad and sister.

I kept hoping that maybe Jim, who professes to be a very strong christian, would change his mind for Mike's sake. On the day of the wedding it was apparent he wouldn't. His loss, as far as I'm concerned. The wedding was beautiful. The minister preached about not interfering in their marriage... I couldn't help but think that the sermon was geared toward certain particular people...one who was present, and another who wasn't. His message was simple..."what God has joined together, let no man (or woman) tear asunder." He also stated that if they had concerns about the marriage...or either party in the marriage...that they should bring it to their pastor instead of taking sides within the marriage. I thought it was a pretty good message. Too bad the person who most needed to hear it wasn't there.

I talked to my aunt Linda during the reception and she said she was happy and relieved with the mature way Mike and Laura decided to take the fact that his dad would not be coming to the wedding. I guess a few weeks before the wedding Mike went to visit Jim one last time to ask him to reconsider or if he could send him an invitation. Jim's answer was that he wouldn't even accept the invitation, his feelings hadn't changed, and not to bother. Mike was hurt by the answer, but decided to take his concerns to God. He and Laura prayed about it every day. About a week before the wedding they decided to put together a box...they'd keep an extra set of all the momentos of the wedding....pictures, videos, programs, invitations, etc. They're gonna keep that box in a closet and put Jim's name on it. And in a few years, when he realizes that they did the right thing for them and he comes and tells them this...they're gonna tell him that they were sorry he couldn't be at the wedding. They would've loved to have him in their pics, etc...but that he was still there with them in their hearts. They're going to grab that box of momentos and tell him that they still want to share the wedding with him and that they saved these items for him. It helped Mike feel better about not having his dad there.

I think it's a mature way to handle things, though I can't see his dad ever apologizing or admitting he was wrong about anything. I just hope that they're able to see eachother through all this and live his dream. All Mike's ever wanted was to have a family of his own. And he looks so happy. I hope he gets to keep that smile on his face forever.

The End Of An Era, And Onward!

There have been so many changes in my professional life lately. For the first time in three years I have a new district manager/new boss. Our entire Retail Channel in Florida has been restructured, and now all eyes are on us to see how it works out. For the last three years of my management career our districts have been set by regions. The district I was in included 18 stores and SWAS (store within a store...aka Verizon in a mall kiosk, a BJ's Wholesale, or Circuit City) locations all from the Sarasota area down to Naples.

My boss was one of the coolest, most competent managers I've ever had the pleasure to work for. First, she looks like a Barbie doll (so I SHOULD hate her...LOL). She's 6 ft tall flat footed and confident enough to still walk around in 3" heels! She's got long golden blond hair...naturally, and big blue eyes. Like I said. Barbie doll. But she's also very smart, very articulate, and a no-nonsense person! She's funny, she can sing, she knows how to lighten a mood, she's conscientious about her business, and she's supportive. She believes in her people. She knows every one of her employees by name...even the line levels. I respect her immensely.

At the beginning of every new year, she does performance appraisals. The scores are leading, performing, developing, or new. The first two years she scored me as developing. And then she gave me real advice that I could use...not pencil pushing BS that makes you wonder where you go from here and if your boss truly has a grasp for the business. She told me the first year that I needed to work on accountability. Not so much my own...it was my team. So that year, I worked on holding my team accountable...to adhering to policies, to passing mystery shops, to deadlines, to time and attendance. And I had a better year the next year...not to mention I got better about writing people up. I'd set boundaries for my team. They knew that if I told them something needed to be done and it wasn't...there would be consequences.

The next year she told me that I had definitely improved in the accountability aspect, but my numbers were still all over the place. Sometimes they were great, other times they were not so great. So she told me to work on consistency. And I did. I already set the expectation with accountability, so I worked on getting the right staff members in the right locations, coaching my supervisors, building a unified team, making sure everyone knew what our goals as a group was. That year we were the #1 location for measurables for 11 of 12 months. In my mind, I'd built consistency...so I couldn't wait till my next appraisal to see what she would give me to work on.

Well, in January, at the summit, I found out that beginning February she would no longer be my boss. They'd restructured. Stores were going to be in separate districts from the SWAS groups. A guy I'd never met and never heard of was going to be my new boss. I had no idea what that would mean for me or my career.

Before February started, my boss called me and said she wanted to set a time to do my appraisal with me. It was more important than ever to me to hear what she had to say! I was hoping that all my hard work had paid off and that I'd be leaving her with a Performing rating. When I sat down with her and she went over last year's results she told me how proud of me she was, and that she would miss me. She had almost been chosen to be the DM for our SWAS group, but because she was also opening 4 new stores in the next year, they'd decided to keep her where she was. She also told me that I'd shown so much growth, and built a team with not just a goal, but an identity. She expects great things from me and my people. And then she let me know that she'd ranked me as Leading. I was blown away. I knew it wasn't false praise. She doesn't believe in that. But she said that when she'd looked back on this last year she found herself shaking her head and wondering when my team had turned into the "go to" team for our district. That statement humbled me and blew me away! I almost cried. All that hard work built up into this amazing moment. I had skipped Performing and went straight to Leading! She also told me that she'd still be around if ever I needed her, but that she'd heard good things about my new boss. She'd never entrust us into the hands of someone she thought would be unworthy. And she didn't disappoint. She gave me something to work on for this year. Churn reduction.

My new boss comes from a management spot within the company where his entire staff was under one roof, mostly in one place. His new staff runs all the way from Panama City down to Naples. And he is responsible for 32 locations. He stepped into a whole new universe. He's used to micromanaging to the enth degree...which worked in Telesales. It doesn't work so well when everyone is spread out. This year is going to be a learning/growth process for all of us. I know I need to keep doing what I'm doing and keep my eye on the prize. I'll continue to work on my newest goal while maintaining everything I've already built. He's already let me know that he respects and recognizes what I bring to the table. He asked me to talk on Wednesday's conference call about some of the best practices I've got that helped build my team and the sense of unification and cohesiveness that happens within my group. He has set out a lot of ground rules for a lot of the district. He also told me he knows that my team has a mission and is already performing at levels that the rest of the district is still trying to get...so if something is already working for us, don't change our system. He's giving me lattitude to do what I need to do to maintain my team. And I appreciate the faith he's showing in me. I also know he probably wouldn't have the same amount of faith if my former DM hadn't spoken so highly of me and my team...or our floating manager hadn't told him that we've got a formula that already works.

Yup. This year has been full of change already! I can't wait to look back next year this time and see how far we've come!

For Benson, With Love

Today my mood is dark. I've been struggling with it for the last few days. But especially today...my heart is heavy.Shortly after we moved back to the states...about the time I was in 4th grade my sister met a girl named Elasa. They were the same age, the same grade. They hit it off instantly. Pretty soon, our families were introduced to each other. Elasa came from a family with 7 siblings...the 8th would come a little later. She had a younger brother named Benson. It turned out that he was the same age as my brother, Jonathan.

Within a few years, our families were pretty close...and Elasa and Christina were best friends...as were Benson and Jonathan. I remember that their younger sister, Katie Rose, felt left out because we didn't have any younger siblings for her to be best friends with. So she decided I was her best friend. And I was okay with that. She was a sweet, shy little girl.When we'd hang out at their house after church we'd invariably wind up watching The Wizard Of Oz or It's A Wonderful Life. Or we'd play "King and Queen". I was always the "Queen". Benson, being a bit younger had a crush on me, and insisted that HE was to be King. Katie Rose was always the daughter. Elasa and Chris would either be more kids or the maids. Jonathan would be the King's guard. It was all silly, but fun...much like playing house, except with crowns...Usually of the Burger King variety. Honestly, I was already a bit old for these games, but somehow I'd find myself roped in because it was still fun to them.

Other times we'd play G.I.Joe after church. Benson would be Duke, I'd be Scarlett,my friend Holly would be Lady J, Jonathan would either be the character that had the parrott...can't think of his name now...or the Ninja. Being a tomboy, I didn't mind that.

Why am I rehashing all this? Because I'm trying to reconcile the happy-go-lucky boy that I knew growing up to the guy who drove his car onto the train tracks in Downers Grove, IL and committed suicide this last week. How could someone who used to have such a bright spirit fall so far? He was a musician, he wrote poetry...much like his older brother Michael used to. He was creative. He left behind a child. And right now I'm at such a loss. He and his family were there for mine when my brother died. Elasa and Chris are still friends today. I'm ashamed to say that the last time I saw Benson and spoke to him was at his mother Benja's funeral. I gave him a big hug. I told him I loved him...and I meant every word. For all intents and purposes...even with time and distance, I saw him as another brother. A blessed gift my brother left behind when he died.

My heart is heavy and troubled because he was a beautiful person...gone way too soon. His family and friends are in my heart and my prayers. I hear Katie Rose is taking it hard. She was always the one I was closest to...I'll be giving her a call.

I can only imagine the hard time that they're going through right now. I made the mistake of doing a search and typing his name and found a site talking about the accident and letting people post to it. There are a lot of cold, heartless people out there. Many of the people posting to that site were more concerned with the delay to the train system that his death caused. More were talking about the fact that suicide is a sin and where they felt he'd be because of it. A life was lost. A friend, a father, a son. And people were more concerned with criticising him and griping about train delays. Have we really become so heartless as a society that we're unable to feel sympathy and empathy for those left behind?

For those of you who saw the news about Benson or who never knew him...here's a little bit of who he was...Dedicated to Benson