This Season's Version Of Respect

What happened to respect? Could it be possible that some time when I wasn't looking, it was thrown out the window along with tact and class? I am honestly beginning to wonder.

I'm normally a pretty easy going person. Honest, I am. So when I was talking to this person from myspace this week on yahoo I was pretty irritated by how the conversation dipped...not that I'm surprised...it seems it happens a lot on any instant messanger service...but it went something like this.

Him: How many people have you had sex with?
Me: A gentleman never asks, a lady never tells.
Him: C'mon...don't you like sex?
Me: What has one got to do with the other?
Him: So you're not open minded?
Me: I just don't discuss my sex life with random strangers. I don't know you well enough.
Him: Okay. I'm sorry.
Me: Thank you for respecting that.
Him: So do you like to give blow jobs?

He just didn't seem to get it! So I left. And I went back to check my myspace...saw a message from someone I didn't know. I check the message and it said: "You need to get f---ed by black cock." I assume he was applying for the job. I hit the delete button.

And that morning as I head out to work I finally get around to listening to my messages...ON MY BUSINESS LINE. There was a message there from one of my customer's husbands. He introduced himself. He said I'd helped his wife and one of her friends with the camera feature on her phone...I might remember them...the friend was Canadian. And then he asks me if I'd be interested in a 3way. I only wish I were kidding. I've never even seen this guy.

What makes people think they have the right to be disrespectful? I have no idea. I'm not sure what even made them think these comments would be appreciated. I did get the distinct feeling I was supposed to be honored and flattered by their rude little comments, though. It's baffling at what passes for flirtation these days. The worst part is that I could go on and on. This stuff happens to me on a fairly regular basis.

One customer actually asked one of my employees once how much I'd charge him to smack him around a little bit. Yes...He wanted to pay me to hit him. Literally. Shoot, I should start a business...I'd be very wealthy in a job that requires me to order men around, treat them like crap and sometimes hit them. Hmmm. I may have to consider it. Kidding. Kinda. LOL!

The Character Issue

As I sat there today watching the NFL draft I found myself shaking my head. Some people just don't get it. Every day I live my life trying live up to my core values. Core values, you ask? Yes, core values. Everything goes to the basic principals of integrity, honesty, respect...both for yourself and those around you, and ownership. Let's face it...everyone's human. This means we ALL make mistakes. It's what we do with those mistakes that determines the person we look at in the mirror. And I'm not "preaching" on "moral fiber" or anything like that...I wouldn't presume. I'm just saying that everyone has their own internal code of ethics...and with decisions come consequences.

For the last few weeks going into the draft we've been hearing a lot on sports radio about the character v. talent debate. To me, the decision is simple. Everyone deserves a second chance...absolutely. But you have to earn the trust back before someone should be expected to step out on that limb for you and place their faith in you. This was part of the reason I was so apprehensive about the Cowboys taking T.O. from the Eagles this last off-season.

But I digress....

There I was watching T.V. and the commentators were talking about draft picks that were remaining...and Marcus Vick's name comes up. Mind you this is a guy who's been struggling with legal issues from the get-go. And it's not like they're minor ones. His charges run the gamut from contributing to the delinquency of a minor (to which he plead no contest) to driving on a suspended license to the carrying of a concealed weapon. And then there's the marijuana. These aren't little things. It's understandable that he hadn't been picked yet.

So they gave him the chance to say his piece. He was given an interview to discuss his past, to ask about his future, and to explain the impact a famous older brother (Michael Vick) may have had in the impacts it's made on him. Basically, he got the chance to talk about what he learned from all these experiences. It was his opportunity to possibly win back trust and show maturity.

He. blew. it. BIGTIME!

As I listened to his words I was overcome by the feeling that this guy had a humongous sense of entitlement simply because of who his brother is in the league. And then there was the lack of ownership and responsibility. When asked about the character issues he stated that he understood the owners' concerns regarding him...and that if it hadn't been for any of his problems he would've been a first round pick. First, he's never been THAT good. Second, his problems weren't something as simple as a C in a class. They were much more serious. Again, when asked how he felt he stated that he'd had bad luck and that with all the things happening to him (because apparently the gun jumped into his hand, and he was sleep driving--yeah, you can insert sarcasm here) he felt like he must have broken a few mirrors as a child or something. He never once owned his actions or said he made a mistake. And then he minimized what he said when asked what it was like to be Mike Vick's younger brother. He said that although he loves his brother, the spotlight cast on his brother caused his actions to be amplified...because they were only little things. So he was asked if he felt he had anything in common with Maurice Clarett...to which he answered he didn't feel he had anything in common with Maurice...because HE (Maurice) had done some serious stuff. And he said it straight faced. Pot calling kettle black much?

He did not take ownership for any of his own actions. It was always bad luck or someone else's fault or not as bad as things sound. It was never about him. It was never his fault. Yeah, That's a guy I'm gonna want to invest millions of dollars. I have zero respect for people like this. Perpetual victims in life. Never owning anything. Never taking ownership of their mistakes. And whether they realize it or not? It goes a long way to saying whether or not you're worthy of a second chance. No amount of talent is going to be worth the headaches, the drama, or the loss of investment should he run into legal issues again. This one's black and white...if it's illegal, don't do it.

I hope no one gives him a draft pick. He's gonna need to earn his way back in. It's not going to be worth the long term investment and money loss. No amount of talent makes it okay for a person to break the law...or rewards it with a large NFL contract. You earn the right to come to the show. You need the character and integrity every bit as much as you the talent to play ball. He would've gone a long way if he'd have said he'd learned from his mistakes and adjusted himself otherwise. Then at least he'd show a contriteness...and growth. But until that time, may he never see the light of the NFL.

Mr Right Now?

I'm seriously infatuated. There, I've said it. Why is that so hard for me to admit? Probably because I'm always the one doling out the advice and warning people about falling too hard, too fast. And I haven't even met him face to face yet, this Texas Cowboy who's captured my attention.

But....

He makes me laugh.

Me: It's strange, I hardly know you, and yet I'm gonna miss you while you're gone.

Him: I know, Darlin'. But it won't be forever.

Me: I know that, too. Gawd, I love your accent.

Him: Thank you.

Me (laughing): I like the way you call me Darlin'. Say darlin' again.

Him: Darlin' again.

Me: Smartass.

We really do have the same kind of sense of humor...and there's no topic that's taboo. I love it. And then there's our dirty minds....

Me: I don't put out on the first date.

Him: Neither do I, so I hope to GOD you're gonna be staying for more than one day.

And usually I try to steer clear of getting emotionally involved in anything deeper than friendship with men in the military men.

So here I am, throwing my own advice out the window...

Florida Drivers

I'm shaking right now. Seriously. And I'm not a shaky person by nature. I'm as solid as they come. It's probably the reason my friends depend on me so much.

But today has been different. I've been up since 6am. One of my employees was working on this small business deal and needed me to pick up some merchandise for him from Sarasota. Not that big a deal, right? A forty-five minute drive, pick up some stuff, stop off at Starbucks and head back home to prep for my work day.

As I'm heading home, I'm stopped at a light on Clark Rd. One of my other employees calls to ask me a question...I'm at a light so I figure...pick it up. I'm talking to her for a few seconds when...BAM!!! I was rear ended. I tell her I'll have to call her back, pull my car around to the side street so as not to block traffic. The Mustang makes no attempt to move over...so I think, okay, maybe he's having car problem...or maybe he really doesn't know how to drive his vehicle...afterall, when he hit me it felt and sounded like he was new to stick shift and he popped his clutch. There was no damage to my car, so I figured when he pulled over I'd let him know everything was fine. I walk around toward his car...he sees me walking towards him...He peals out and takes off.

My first official hit-and-run! Gotta love Florida Drivers.

Feedback Welcome

Okay, I walked into the house the other day and Kirk looks at me and says...you're never gonna believe this...then proceeds to ask for my advice. Those of you who know me personally know just how brutally, bluntly honest I can be and that it's been both a blessing and a curse.

So here's the background on the situation. Kirk's brother has been married for a few years now. He's been going to pharmacy school to better himself and he's been working full time the entire time. His wife is a bit insecure which, in turn, causes her to be controlling. The last time they came to Florida was with her family. They were only about 3 hours from where we live. Gary contacted Kirk with possibly getting together. She nixed that stating that they were on vacation with HER family and wouldn't have time for Gary to meet Kirk or hang out...even for part of a day.

So Gary's getting ready to graduate from Pharmacy school...finally. The class wants to take a class trip to an area near Panama Beach. Gary included. Her response to that was hell no, he's not allowed...followed by..."If you go on this vacation, you'll be returning home to packed bags and locks being changed on the door...and I'm filing for divorce." Over a little vacation. Apparently, even though she's never been given any provocation, she doesn't trust him.

If it were you...and you were given this ultimatum...what would you do?

I can tell you what I'd do....I'd be righteously angry first. I don't take ultimatums well. Furthermore, if I've never given you a reason to mistrust me, I'd be severely affronted...because a relationship should be built on trust.

If it were me? I would go. Because for a marriage to work out...and this is just my opinion...and maybe why I'm not married... there has to be mutual trust and respect. Without that...why bother?

So the coolest thing happened...

In the midst of all my worries about corparte visits and employee illnesses and vacations and trainings and meetings, I'd decompress on myspace. It's been great because I've run into old friends from high school and stuff. It was pretty cool and distracting, so I was having fun.

But this weekend, something extraordinary happened. I was checking out a site to a neighboring highschool in the area I grew up... I had a lot of friends at this place because I went to one of their feeder elementary schools and Jr Highs. And while I was there I found...None other than one of my brother Jonathan's best friends!

I don't know if anyone can truly appreciate what this meant to me. Or to him. This kid was WITH my brother the day of his accident. His dad was an EMT and put out a distress call to fellow EMT's and Police Officers for extra help to get my brother's ambulance through traffic during rush hour traffic. His family saw our family through one of the hardest times in our lives. And we lost touch. Until I saw his picture on myspace. He looked exactly the same...except older.

And even though I can never bring my brother back...death being final and everything. Running into this guy and seeing that he's okay put a smile on my face and in my heart. For a minute it felt like I had my brother back.

Here's my myspace link for anyone interested.http://www.myspace.com/prrr4mepls

Just When You Think

life's getting back to normal...

Normal gets thrown out the window.

Heck, the holidays are over. Life should be slowing down for me this month. I was looking forward to it. I should have known better. More importantly...if ever there comes a time when I think my life is worse than someone else's...intervention tends to give you a reality check. And in that moment, you realize...your life isn't so bad.

I've been sick...with that gawdawful nasty virus/flu/cold thingie that's been going around and taking people weeks to recover from. I felt pretty miserable. I called in for the first time in my career with the company I work for. I had virtually no voice. My sides, back and stomach were sore from all the coughing. Sleeping through the night was not an option...I'd wake myself up with the racking coughs. Sounds pretty awful, right?

And along came Anthony. I call him A1 because I have two of them...both Anthonys...both last names start with C's. He's one of my new employees. I'd sent him off to training in Miami. The first week went great! He came back excited and looking forward to his final week of training because it meant he could finally work on the floor. He was learning. It was thrilling to see. So when my phone rang in the middle of the day on Tuesday, the last thing I expected to hear was that my new 23 year old employee was in the emergency room...taken there personally by the trainer. Apparently he was experiencing chest pains, sharp head pains, nausea, dizziness...and with that, whenever the pain would strike...he'd lose his power of speech. He'd start slurring his words, stuttering, not making sense. Hearing the symptoms I wondered silently...stroke? Tumor? Unknown heart condition? And then the trainer said that one of the people there suspected a vascular migraine. He had a couple of tests...all came back good. But with his symptoms they wanted to keep him over night for observation. And they wanted to do a spinal tap. But by 5 o'clock, even that thought had changed. They'd admitted him to Intensive Care...because they noticed that everytime he had an onset of the head pains...his speech would go. They did the spinal tap, EKG's, MRI's, Brain scans...all came back good.

A week later they discharged my frustrated employee...no more knowledgeable about what happened than they were before. But with migraine meds and a lot of rest, the pain was going away. Or so everyone thought. Anthony was thrilled to be home. The hospital he'd been at had virtually no one but doctors and patients that spoke English...not even his nurses could easily communicate with him. He had to call his trainer if he wanted to know what was going on with his care. But he finally made it back home. He thought he was feeling stronger. Till yesterday. The pains were still happening. He's been afraid, and who could blame him! So he went to the Emergency room. And bingo...without the language barrier, and after more probing, something was finally figured out. First, he has low blood pressure...which is concern enough. But secondly, they noticed that while sitting or laying down, he was fine. But if he got up and walked a few feet his resting heart rate of 70 would jump up to over 110. Not at all normal. But now they've got him on some meds...and we've got a starting point.

And if that's not enough, I also spent yesterday talking to a broken hearted young lady...Tiffany...who found out that her husband doesn't want to stay and fight and work things out. He wants a divorce. She's devastated. And she's now questioning her entire self worth. At 21. He was her Jr. High sweetheart...and they'd had the fairytale wedding. Now she's just sad. And she's scared. And she's never really been completely alone. Yeah, she's heart broken.

And if I thought my problems of the moment were bad...all I have to do is look around me...and realize that this too shall pass.

Frustrated

Is it so outrageous for me to expect competence out of people? I swear...I don't know what's happened to the world when it comes to work ethic these days. Lately I feel that I can say something ten different ways...till I'm blue in the face and only 1 out of 4 implements. If I'm lucky, sometimes that number climbs up to 2. It's frustrating. I feel like a lab mouse trapped in a wheel. And when you confront someone? They're suddenly blind, deaf, and/or dumb.

I've had it. People thought I was a hardass before? Tough love is coming out. And the fact that it's Valentines day matters very little to me at this moment. Why can't these people see that I have their best interests at heart? That when I ask, then tell, then yell...it's to help better them. To aid in their careers. I don't ask for my health.

And then there's simple organization and responsibility. I just got a call from a rep that was sent off for a week's training...he told me that the hotel was refusing to check him in because he didn't have a credit card. The person who was supposed to book him at the hotel and fax the credit card apparently fell down on the job and didn't do the second half of the assignment. So here this kid is...3 hours from home...stranded...and the only thing I can tell him is to call his supervisor. What a great impression of his boss that must leave. When I get a hold of this guy, he's gonna be hurting. It was bad enough I had to call him yesterday to remind him AGAIN to book the hotel to begin with.

Okay...I'm breathing again... And taking my own advice...Control my controllables.

Did I mention that my pal Crystal and her daughter Hannah sent me some chocolates and a valentine from Germany? That's enough to make me smile...

Hall Of Fame

The new inductees into the NFL hall of fame were announced today. John Madden finally made it in. I felt he deserved it. I was thrilled for Troy Aikman...he got in, as did another Cowboy...Rayfield Wright. Very good day for those guys. I was bummed to hear that Michael Irvin was once again rejected. I know it had a lot to do with his tumultuous history. It's tough, because he deserves to be there if we were going strictly off football talent, skill, and contributions. I mean, c'mon! They let L.T. (Lawerence Taylor for non-football fans) in, and his out of work indiscretions were so much worse!

The kicker of all this is that although I knew it was coming, Reggie White made it in, too. I heard this and rolled my eyes. Hey, if it was strictly for contributions to football...He definitely deserves to be recognized... But he wasn't exactly perfect, either. I've always abhorred the fact that he preached racism when he had a perfect opportunity both as a reverend and a rolemodel to preach acceptance and tolerance.

I've seen his speeches given in Tennessee. I've read the content. I had friends living in the area at the time who expressed their shock and dismay. But hey, he's got two things going for him...one, he's passed on. And two...apparently, it's only considered racism if you preach hate and you're white. At least that's the message I got. Harsh, I know...But I expect more of someone who has reverend attached to their name...and who claims to live their life by the Bible.

And as a sidebar...YES, I do know what it's like to have your race held against you. The first time I experienced it I was 7 years old... Regardless, people have a choice. I just don't see hate as a viable option. And Yes, I lose respect for people who choose to live their life by encouraging it.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

I was talking to Maria and Steph on the phone just a few minutes ago. Maria took a quick trip to visit Steph in Texas.

I know there's been some concern for me lately because I've been burning my candle at both ends. Just like any good workaholic overachiever. I know what I am. I've come to terms for it. I'm a perfectionist, a bit dominant in just about every aspect of my life and uber focused on success. My biggest flaw is probably my fear of failure/control freak issues. I demand a lot, but no less than I'm willing to bring to the table.

I work hard, play harder. Unfortunately, the amount of time playing is limited by the amount of time my job requires. I know I've got a reputation for being a bit of a flirt... One of my friends calls me a "playa'". Apparently, "Shorty got game"...LOL! So yeah, I'm used to being teased about the guy-girl ratio around me.

So tonight, while I'm talking to Maria, she asks how I'll be spending my evening. I told her that I'd spent my day doing manual labor (a rare thing, indeed) sloughing the pool and cleaning down the deck and the pool cover and that we planned on barbecuing tonight. With Kirk and the neighbor guys. They heard the odds were three boys to me...and started laughing and joking about how I liked those odds. Gotta admit, I was amused.

Here's the only problem... These guys? Not so much my type. They're more like brothers to me. I mean, let's look at the cast of characters. There's Kirk...I used to be involved with him until we figured out that although we love eachother, we're not IN love with each other. Then there's Mike....Except for the fact that he's 29, I swear that the 40 Yr Old Virgin was written for him. And Ben...well, Ben's Ben. He's my buddy, we may joke about things like giving head while driving, and I may know most details about his sex life...but I'm also the girl who gave him advice on how to help his first love get the big "O" from more than just Oral. Makes it tough to consider anything.

But, this week has been full of prospects.

Patrick- of the hot, sexy tattoo's Patrick. Who teaches gymnastics in his spare time. With perfect teeth...who likes to text dirty with me, who trades saucy pics back and forth via camera phone, who gives great hugs...and who's over 5 years younger. He texted me last night and this morning. We'll be making plans to hang out.

Patrick-of the Lauderdale Patrick. Closest thing I've probably had to a boyfriend in the last few years. Gets me like no one else. And accepts me just the way I am. Calls me Goddess. I'll be seeing him in a week. Also a younger man.

Louis-of the bangin' bodies Louis. Called me last week to tell me he went out of town and brought me back something. Half Italian, Half Puerto Rican. He's a laborer...and it shows. Jared's already warned me to "tap that" or he's gonna try. He wants to hang out the moment I have time.

I think I'm gonna need to free up some time on my schedule.

Another Quiz

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensualYou're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys inYou are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggagePacking light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

Isn't It Ironic...Don'tcha Think?

You Are Catwoman

"Life's a bitch. Now so am I."

What Superheroine Are You?

Wannabe's

A guy I've been chatting with for a while online said something today. I was surprised at how much it got my back up.

I don't claim to be a musician. I am a pretty big audiofile, though. The conversation went something like this:

Him: What are you up to?

Me: I'm ripping a few CD's to my computer library.

Him: What kind?

Me: I'm in a bluesy place right now...so it's BB King, Boz Skaggs, and a few others. Do you like the blues?

Him: Not really, the music just didn't touch me. The only thing about the blues I like is the guitar.

Me: That's right, you play, right?

Him: Yes. Right now I'm really moved by U2.

Me: Ah, so do you like Clapton?

Him: No, I think Clapton's overrated and a bit inflated, not to mention overplayed. Especially after Tears In Heaven.

Me: ::thud::

Him: And don't get me started on Layla...both versions...they make me want to slit someone's throats. He's REALLY not THAT good.

Me: What about his work with Cream?

Him: I've heard of them, but I don't really know much about them...just that they weren't all that and he's a hack.

And did I mention this guy considers himself an amateur musician...specializing in guitar? I was floored. He told me that Cream wasn't even classic rock...because he listens to A station...that's right...ONE station...and he doesn't know if he's ever heard their music, so it must not be THAT good. I mean, classic rock is "Stairway To Heaven" by Zeppelin or "Sweet Home Alabama" by Skynyrd.

And so I did what any self respecting fan of classic rock would do. I banged my head into a wall. He "appreciates" Hendrix...He gives the nod to BB King. He HATES Stevie Ray Vaughn because he thinks he's got a terrible voice. And he thinks Clapton is a Hack. I didn't even bother to ask him if he'd heard of Rush for fear of his answer. Apparently his current hero is Bono and U2. When he asked if he'd lost brownie points, I just stated I thought we were even because I've always felt Bono was a bit over inflated on the ego and that U2's music was a bit plain and redundant. Which is my honest opinion. This guy is sorely undereducated in a field he claims interest in breaking into. Not to mention awfully narrow in his vision. All I could say was....WOW!

He then said that if we were to walk out and ask 20 random people he doubted any of them could mention 1 Cream song, much less 3. I didn't have the heart to tell him what a good friend pointed out...it's highly unlikely 20 random people could even tell you who the Vice-President is, so it's not much of a gauge.

Oh, and did I mention this guy has been looking for a way to meet me? Should I have mentioned how "Wonderful, Tonight" is a HUGE soft spot of mine, and guaranteed to make me melt just a bit? Too bad he's not a fan. ;-)

The Easy Questions

I recently received one of those fun little surveys from my cousin. You know the kind...the ones that ask...your favorite article of clothing, your dream vacation spot, your favorite season...

In that survey, one question stood out to me. "What super power would you most like to have?" Simple as that sounds, it actually made me stop and think. In the past I'd probably have put something like...strength or the power to read minds...maybe even the power to become invisible. As I grow older, I've noticed, my responsibilities change causing a shift in what I need to be effective as a friend, a person, an employee as well as an employer.

And as I sat there thinking about what super power I wanted, my attention span shifted. Maybe it was the vibrating phones on my hip (and no, the pleural was not a typo)...maybe it was the 60 emails since the last time I cleared my email box for work...a day ago. Maybe it was thinking about my new employee and all the processes I need to get started for him to do his new hire. Or the three new supervisors I'm trying to ease into their new roles. Then again it could be my employee with the workers comp injury. Or the supervisor who's father dying right before Christmas spawned a trip to Greece. Or the employees that called out sick or the other one who's grandmother became gravely ill in NY before dying. And as I sat there thinking about this...it dawned on me. I had my answer!

If I could have any super power in the world, I'd want the ability to duplicate myself so that I could be in all the places I'm needed at the same time and still know what's going on in every place I'm at.

It was when I found myself driving into oncoming traffic (not to worry, I'm okay and so is my car...thankfully) that I realized....I need a break. I've been burning my candle at both ends. I've never done anything like that...and I wasn't on my phone. The radio in the car wasn't even on. It was just... fatigue...and maybe fighting becoming sick...and a headache. All I know is I need some rest. I was approved to cut my day short after THAT incident.

I'm so thankful for weekends. Maybe now I'll be able to recharge. I'm even going to attempt to shorten my cell phone usage. Quit laughing. I can try. Maybe it'll even work.

Moving On

With the new year, I've decided to cut some of the "dead weight" out of my life. You know the type...the ones who suck the energy out of you like a leech. They're the ones who take with no regard to how much it may drain you to give....and then when you need them, they become magicians and simply disappear.

I had one of these friends. To make things worse, he was also a colleague....well, still is. Now I know this guy is spoiled, with no real social skills to speak of. But I'd been THERE for him, you know? I guess the best way to explain it is to describe him. Chris is a guy who's gotten everything he wants. If he can't afford it, he just places a call to Daddy...and yes, he calls him Daddy. And if that doesn't work, he calls his crazy mom.

A couple of years ago, when I met him, Chris was driving an Impala...With over $500 payments. How could the payments be so high, you ask? Well, when Chris was 16 he was given a Kia...which he traded in early...at about 18 for a Cavalier. After having the Cavalier for a little over a month, he decided he didn't like it anymore and traded it for the Impala...which left him backwards on payments. He just turned 21 and he recently traded in for a Trailblazer...fully loaded...so now his payments are pretty astronomical. It's a good thing he still lives at home.

Then there was his first apartment...Daddy co-signed & put up the requisite first and last month's rent. So he stayed in his new apartment 2 weeks, decided it wasn't for him and moved back home. And it was okay that daddy lost the entire deposit.

Anyway, this is a guy who has moments of kindness...but who mostly just takes advantage. Most recently, his victim has been me. Those of you who know me know that I got promoted. This promotion made me beyond busy as I'm now responsible for 4 store locations. I also believe in team play, though. So when Chris came to me right before holiday season because he was short staffed 3 people in his location...and asked me to interview candidates for him (he's not certified) I said yes. And then spent my November and December running my 4 locations, training my 3 brand new supervisors, putting out my fires, and interviewing HIS potential new hires. Then there were the questions...his guys had them...they'd call me...and I'd help out. When he wasn't feeling well, I even helped cover his location for an evening. I loaned him my laptop. I even found time to introduce him to a guy I thought he might be interested in.

So the time came when I needed something from him...well, not even FROM HIM! I needed 15 minutes of time from one of his employees who's extraordinarily talented with computers. And the time could have easily been spared. My response was a text message from him stating that his employee couldn't be spared...because he had to go to their offsite storage to clean it and wouldn't have the time.

That's the LAST TIME I do this guy any favors. And ya know what? I'm kinda vindictive sometimes. I'm having a party for my team...of which he's not...and in the past I would've invited him...but not this time. Although I am inviting one of his employees...and I know at least another one of his employees who will be going because he's married to one of mine. I know he'll hear about it. And right now? In the words of Rhett Butler..."Frankly, My Dear, I don't give a damn."

*** Oh, and on a side note...I got a Christmas card from my dad...2 days ago! Ya know what? It didn't even bother me. It's been the least of my worries, and at least he called 2 days after Christmas to tell me his card would be late....I guess he didn't think I'd realize Christmas was already gone...LOL!

An Update

So the guys from the store called the cops about the junk they found on that computer. They waited till the customer came to pick up his computer and then handed it to him. He looked at the thing and asked about the missing hard drive. When they notified him that the police had come and confiscated it, he acted nonchalant.

As the matter of fact, he got this sick, demented smile on his face and just said, "Oh, Really?" He then requested the case number. As if finding child porn is an everyday thing.

It's enough to turn the stomach. I hope he gets what he deserves.

And as for the employees...apparently there was a fear they might take their plight to Oprah if they were fired...so they were allowed to keep their jobs.

Unsung Heroes

What is wrong with society today? I know I leave myself wide open when I ask questions like that. Right now I simply don't care. Why is it that so many things are ass backwards in society today? A guy walks in to a local electronics store...asks them to clean his computer. As the computer tech turns on the computer, she's smacked in the face with images best left unseen. Images of a young girl. Disturbing images. Now scarred in her head. Imprinted in her mind for all eternity. They left her in tears and without any composure for a few minutes. When she could think again she communicated what happened through the proper channels hoping to help this young girl somehow. Based on the images she was only in her early teens. These "channels" processed the info straight up to their legal department. And then the answer came down...

"No. You may not notify the authorities. We signed an agreement stating we would not be looking into his files. That they were personal & confidential. So despite how disturbing what you found is...you may not pursue it. Failure to adhere to our decision will result in termination."

Hmmmmm....Lemme think about this one. Protecting the children of this society or lose your job. Tough one, I know. Geez! Have we really become so fearful of lawsuits and jaded that we're afraid to act when a cry for help comes up? I mean this girl was being held down in some of the pictures. Just hearing about it disturbed me. I can imagine what it did to her. Not to mention her co-workers who caught wind of the situation. I'm sorry, but there's the right thing and then there's THE RIGHT THING!!!! And when something reaches out into your soul and screams for justice? How can you not follow? How could you live with yourself if you turned away from that voice? And yet that's what she was ordered to do. Because big business is afraid of a little confrontation.

I cheered (even as my heart broke for this young girl) when I heard that several people from there...against company policy...took a stand and made some calls. Children are the heart of this community. They deserve to be protected. Society would be a much better place if we spent more time taking care of our youth and less time in frivolous law suits. And maybe, just maybe...if we changed our outlook...our world would be better.

Good for this employee and the others involved for calling the police despite the consequences. They're heroes in my book. Most of you who read this know just how close to home this hits for me.

Christmas Eve Souvenirs

Ah, the beauty of speculation is that you get to hear some pretty outlandish and farfetched things. So Christmas day, a couple of friends came to my front door and saw a bandaid on my forehead. They asked if I was okay...I made them promise not to laugh and exposed...this!!!

After a couple of giggles, there were the questions...

"What happened?"

"What did you do?"

And while I debated whether or not to tell them...they started to guess. Here's the speculation I heard:

"Curling Iron Burn?"

"Rug burn?"

"Kinky sex?"

Yeah, you guessed it, I've got some filthy minded friends.

The truth about the injury? I did something stupid. I was hanging out in my pool Christmas eve night. It was 60 degrees out, but it was almost 90 degrees in the pool. We turned on the pool light...made it green to be festive for the holiday. I was messing around doing laps and stuff. I decided it might be a fun idea to try to move my body like a fish under water and see how far across the pool I could get before I needed oxygen. So I closed my eyes (I'd left my contacts in) and piked down....and....SMACK!!!! Right on the bottom of the pool. Apparently I'd misjudged the depth and went about 4' down into a 3 1/2 foot area. Man, did that sting. Yes, yes, I gave myself a concussion for Christmas eve. No doctors visit required, thankfully.

No, I had not been drinking any alcohol, more's the pity.

And yes, I'm the same girl who can manage to trip over bottled water.

I can't help but laugh...and fortunately for me, everyone around me is also amused.

Strong Shoulders

I got a call a little while ago. Patrick told me that he had some news. His father hasn't been feeling very well since after the last hurricane. Apparently his dad went in to the doctor for some x-rays and they finally got the results. His dad has pleural mesothelioma.

Patrick is someone who's close to me. He's the one guy who always seems to know what I'm not saying. The guy who's a great friend...and more. He's one of those rare guys...one that watches, observes, understands what isn't said as well as what is. He's not afraid to call me on my stuff, and he loves that I'm a strong individual...it's part of my appeal to him.

So when I got this sense a couple nights ago that I should call him, I followed my instincts. He said everything was okay, but that feeling stayed with me. I told him that if he needed or wanted me to call.

So he did. Today. Because they finally have something difinitive about his dad. His dad's condition went undiagnosed for months by a nurse practitioner. He had a negligent family doctor who was never in office and never saw him. When he was finally diagnosed it was because he went to the hospital again and a surgeon was called in on the consult. And when he went to schedule an appointment with the doctor to get the referrals he needed to see the specialist, they put him off, the doctor never called back, and finally said that he could be scheduled almost a month out....mind you this was for a tentative diagnosis of cancer.

They wound up having to call the surgeon again. He lit a fire under the GP who then finally returned the call and got him in for an emergency visit that same day. After his dad's lung biopsy, Patrick told me that the surgeon saw some signs of advanced stages of the disease, so they're gonna work hard and fast to get them an idea of what kind of treatment plan he'll need to undergo...or if he's in end stage.

Patrick's trying to be strong for his family right now. He's laughing, or he'd probably wind up breaking down and crying. So I reminded him again...I'm here. Always. For him. When he can't be strong anymore, he's got me to lean on... It's strange how even miles away...I knew he needed me.

Thrilling

I'm so excited for one of my oldest and closest friends! Recently she called me up to tell me some stellar news.

She's having a baby!

Now I know some would say that this is a normal everyday occurrence in life. And you'd be right. But for her, this has been a challenge.

She was diagnosed with endometriosis at a very young age. She was put on birth control before she was even all that interested in sex. She's had two surgeries. She'd also seen a fertility specialist. There had been a few false alarms and scares, but it was starting to look like having a baby just wasn't in the cards for her.

She'd all but reconciled herself to being the best auntie ever to her niece and nephew.

So imagine my shock a week or so ago when she called me at 8am to tell me the good news! In a time when miracles are so scarce, she was blessed with one!

I'm so excited for her! She's gonna make an amazing mother. It's enough to make me consider setting my biological clock...almost. Nah! I think I'll just hold out for a puppy for now. Love kids as I do, I just wouldn't have the time that should be dedicated for a child. I can be a proud Auntie, though!

The Hag

Work has been crazy and stressful lately. Added to the insanity that is retail during holiday season is the new promotion...I'm grateful, don't misunderstand. But I'm also responsible for 4 locations. That's a lot of people.

So last Friday I was taking one of my assistant managers around my new location group (not thrilled with the name, btw...D.A.D. Manager is my new title). Along with the holiday comes much micro-managing from the higher ups. There's all the panic and chaos associated with corporate visits, etc. So I'd gotten a visit, a call, and an email about one of my locations all in one day. And it wasn't very fun. By the end of the day my assistant and I decided we needed to relax somewhere friendly that served liquid libations.

Mike met us at Chili's...afterall, it's happy hour...all the time! The three of us planned on having a drink or two. My assistant was gonna have a couple beers then head home. I started with Long Islands... Mike followed my lead. Jared headed out after he finished brown nosing to the mucky mucks who were having drinks at Ruby Tuesdays...(I was invited, figured it would be career suicide as I'm honest sober; drunk- I'm painfully so...and I was feeling the urge to tear their throats out and step on them at the time).

The one or two drinks somehow multiplied into 5 or 6. It had been a while since I'd had the time to simply cut loose and have fun and not worry about work. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so the booze went straight to my head. I was feeling good.

We all got a bit silly. I unzipped Jared's pants...he called me a chicken for not doing more (gay men are such teases). He gave me a lap dance. Mike and J had a contest as to who nibbles on a neck better...and mine got to be the lucky neck. Some woman offered to buy me a shot called the "bend me over and lick my ass"...told me it tastes like Cherries...and I had a giggle at the innuendo of it all while Mike whispered to me to take her up on the offer. One of the waitresses tried to get Jared's phone number only to be turned down and told she wasn't his type. Guess she missed Mike and Jared kissing when Jared walked through the door. Or she missed Jared and me kissing, or maybe it was Mike and me kissing that confused her...LOL! Hmmm...come to think of it, maybe I should have been offended that she tried to get his number after she'd seen his lips planted on mine....curious.

I ran into some people I knew inside... Feeling pretty uninhibited, I answered the girl's question about a side bet she and her boyfriend had as to whether or not Jared and Mike were gay...I answered in the affirmative. She asked me to tell them that they were "Hot!" and then told her boyfriend that she was right and all the best looking men were gay (Wonder how that made the boyfriend feel?). Her boyfriend had assumed the boys were straight because they're both very "butch". Somehow this turned into a convo about how I could have a 3 way with the two boys if I wanted...to which one of the guys said...it'd be hot if it were 2 girls instead of two guys...and my drunken diarrhea of the mouth had me replying that I could do that, too...

And the topper for the evening? Standing outside while everyone smoked cigarettes and announcing to my friends...and some random strangers on a bench...that I am the Fag Hag for Charlotte County. To which the stranger on the bench replied..."I LOVE you! You're awesome." Big surprise, he was gay, too. Oh, and his female friend sitting there...yeah, you guessed it...she hit on me.

The worst of it is, I wish I could say that alcohol were the primary contributor, but I can't. Nothing I did that night is anything I wouldn't do sober.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Spent most of yesterday in a line. At least that's how it felt.
New game system release day. And Woohoo! My persistance paid off; I was eighth in line and they had 26 of the "Gold" ones. I got the X-Box 360. All is good. I was a hero.

Spent a lot of time in line problem solving and trouble shooting. Apologized to fellow line people in advance for calls I knew I'd receive from work. They were all cool though. The guy behind me was a customer.

*****

While in line I got a crisis call from one of my young employees letting me know he was headed to the emergency room. Poor kid. 20 years old. He was bleeding urine. OUCH!
Apparently his brother had kicked him where he shouldn't and hurt one of his "boys". Man, I'm a girl and I only fight that dirty with lots of warning and after some seriously unforgiveable stuff.

I told him to call me when he got to the ER and let me know what was going on. The doctor told him that usually, in situations like this after leaving "the boys" untreated for more than a couple of hours, there isn't much that can be done. Often, the only option is to remove the damaged "boy". He was terrified that he was gonna lose his testicle, especially since they believed it to be fractured.

It wasn't till AFTER his final test, an ultrasound, that they found it was salvageable, just swollen. He got lucky.

Little Moments

I talked to Patrick today. He's THAT guy for me. The one guy I can sit in silence with and still feel at peace. The one who reads my thoughts before I even think to give voice to them. That one who really appreciates me for me...quirks and all. And the quirks somehow make me more appealing to him. He sees the secret me that I work so hard to hide. He also lives 3 hours away.

'Little Moments' by Brad Paisley makes him think of me. We laughingly say it was written for me....especially the part that says..."It's the little imperfections, it's the sudden change in plans when she misreads the directions and we're lost, but holding hands. Yeah, I live for little moments like that."

Our first date...I got lost. Our second date...I got lost. It's become a running joke.

So today I visited one of my locations...and on my way home I accidentally exited to the interstate heading south instead of north. And I knew where I was supposed to go. Normally, the perfectionist in me would kick in and get worked up. Not today.

Today I called Patrick. I didn't realize how much I've missed his voice, his laugh.

Just that laughter at telling him what I did....It was like getting a hug from a long distance friend.

Latino Heat

It may not mean much to many people, but it meant a lot to me.

I used to watch him in my living room. At first he annoyed and irritated me. I couldn't wait till he went. Then, like most things that hang around, I got used to him. Pretty soon I found myself amused by him, drawn into his innate sense for what entertained. He sure knew how to make me laugh.

I was there during his ups and downs. Cheering him on when things got rocky, sure he'd see things through to the other side. I admired his dedication to his work and his family.

Most of all, I admired his dedication to me....His fan...one of many.

Eddie Guerrero, you will be missed.

God Bless, Godspeed, and my prayers go out to your family.

I'll miss you Mondays and Thursdays the most. The wrestling world won't be the same without you.

Teen Marriages

I just got a text from my 18 yr old former employee. His 16 year old girlfriend just proposed to him. She had a ring and everything. For him. Of course he proposed to her months ago.

Two things about all this strike me as odd. 1.) Since when do both parties propose? Usually one proposal is enough. The other party accepts. End of story. But no, not with these two. 2.) Why does it seem like EVERY kid in FL is in a hurry to either get married or have babies or both?

I guess there's a 3rd....Why are neither of these kids' parents tweaking out? They're still so young! But apparently, as long as they wait 2 years...which gives her time to graduate high school and him time to get some college under his belt...they're thrilled. The girls' parents have already welcomed him into the family...and vice versa (and it's not even reverse psychology as they appear to think this is normal behavior). Their pastor seemed to be the only one who had the slightest problem with all of this.

Part of me is all...how sweet....young love...still innocent, like that song by the Judds. The other part wants to knock their heads together and scream....do they have any idea what a tough road they're edging toward? Are they CRAZY? But I've been good. I've held my own council. It's not my business, and they're good kids. I just can't imagine actually WANTING to get married right after high school.

Am I wrong, thinking like this? Does this mean I'm jaded? Does anyone else get why you'd want to get married so young?

I suddenly feel ANCIENT!

The finished product

It's finally done! Got to have my first swim yesterday. ::sigh:: I love my new pool. And just in time for Christmas. Thank goodness it's heated! :-) Of course in Florida I'll only have to turn the heat on for a couple of months.

But it's nice to know I can.

Impromptu Party

This isn't the best pic in the world...it's from my Camera phone, but these are the boys...LOL! It's been a while since I've had time to blow off steam, so doing so Friday night was great. Chris (boy in blue) and Jared (white tee) came over to watch a work video I had to monitor with me. They're good friends like that. One thing led to another...Grey Goose bottles were opened...Ice and OJ were mixed in...

Chris and I are both managers...and apparently we both needed to blow off steam. I was showing off my new pool. Then I mentioned the punching bag I had in my garage. Chris wanted to see....and put in a few hits. So he punched...I held the bag...and Jared got nervous that Chris was going to get carried away and accidentally punch me. He had A LOT of aggression to work off. He was yelling at his employees with every punch. Better the bag than them.

Then back into the living room.

I have a karaoke machine. It's one of my not-so-guilty pleasures. It's great for parties...especially impromptu ones. And there's nothing funnier than watching a white boy try to sing a Nelly song. Mike, Jared's beau (the guy in the red shirt) came over...and the merriment continued...and alcohol flowed. We danced around my living room. We sang at the top of our lungs...songs like "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party" and "I Love Rock And Roll". I can sing...grew up doing it. So did Mike and Jared. Chris? Eh, not so much...but sometimes that brutally off key sound can make things that much more fun. So I played Sandy to Jared and Mike's Danny in "Summer Nights". The pic is actually the three boys getting all revved up singing Backstreet Boys...LOL! They're so predictable...that and Y.M.C.A. and they were going nuts. Steriotypical gay guys...LOL! I love them for that! Nothing like spending a Friday night singing at the top of your lungs, dancing around the living room...with guys who aren't afraid to sing with you...and are closet boy band fans...throw in a little alcohol and talk of Brad Pitt and James VanDerBeek and a few kisses... It was a blast! I needed it, too. It was so relaxing to put my hair down, take my bra off, and just chill.

Plus, they said I've got great tits.... God love 'em!

Freaks and Geeks

I'm in love....

I'm in love with technology....electronics....and now...Oakley just made my nipples hard. They came out with this AMAZING new pair of shades... And they're Bluetooth enabled, too. They were smart about it...partnered up with Motorola. Now I'm thinking I may have to shell out a few hundred bucks for a new pair of shades. I NEVER spend that much on that stuff, but I can justify it if there's built in technology.

Yes, yes....I'm one of those geeks. I got a microwave with a fancy touchscreen panel that could sing to you and give you recipes. I've been dying to get this smoothtop range that has a built in convection oven...AND...a built in refrigerator. I know. I know. Insane, right? But say...I want fresh cinnamon rolls in the morning for breakfast (I love to bake to relax)...I can chill them in the oven, then set the oven to turn on at a certain time...and to shut off, too...so that the smell of cinnamon buns can be the first thing I smell. How cool is that?

Then there are the PDA's....and the Cell phones....

Don't even get me started on the cell phones. :-)

************

And now the pool is almost done! They laid the quartz, they smoothed it out. They filled the pool with water. Tomorrow they turn on the pumps and start the treating process. I'll be able to swim in it by next week! Notice the pool bench? I'm thinking it looks like the perfect spot for a bootie call! :-x

Hey, I figure work hard, play harder! And I've been busting my bootie, so I'm taking my playtime seriously.

************

You know what else amused me?

The Carolina Panthers cheerleaders' story. They come down to Trampa and get in a drunken barroom catfight in the ladies loo.... Well, two of them did. And wound up getting arrested. What's this world coming to?

Apparently they were performing most every straight man's fantasy together...alone...in one of the stalls. The other patrons didn't appreciate it because they had to wait in line to use the lavatory...and I'm also guessing they could hear the noises and one or two uptight types got their knickers in a twist.

Go figure!

Guess they should've used the mens room! :-D

Battle Of The Sexes

Was watching the Simpsons. Funniest little scene between Bart and Robot...

Robot: "It's not uncommon for robots to be abandoned?"

Bart: "I'm a human not a robot."

Robot: "What is it like to have feelings?"

Bart: "I'm a human, not a GIRL!"

Yesterday's Trash

There's a young lady I know. We met at work. We used to be close. Once upon a time. I stood up in her wedding. I threw her bachelorette party. Now....I hardly talk to her. And when I do, I walk away feeling irritated. Everything she says or does feels manipulative. I know she's trying to use me.

She and I used to laugh, a lot. I was a combination big sister, friend, sex therapist...and a bit of innocent flirtation thrown in just for fun. I still remember the first time she asked to join me on lunch. She wanted my advice. Apparently I exude sexual awareness. Because she had some questions to ask me with reference to oral sex and her boyfriend. Made me feel like Dr. Ruth...but I guess the advice worked...LOL! Yeah, I have to laugh about things because otherwise I'll just be sad and disappointed.

She seemed like such a sweet girl. She was a temp with our company for the holidays...working on trying to get her foot in the door. And I went to bat for her to help get her in. And now, 2 years later, I'm removing the dagger from my back and seeing her for who she really is.

As I got closer to Jared, our friendship began to sour. She was jealous. Somehow, she couldn't get it through her head that I was capable of having room in my heart for more than one friend. Initially she was friendly to Jared. He thought she was nice. Till she showed her true colors... Initially I took it for Newlywed Mania. She suddenly didn't do anything but spend time with her hubby and her family. I made allowances. I wasn't upset.

But then I got promoted. And suddenly, now that I wasn't at that location anymore...she became very unkind to Jared. And still she didn't have much time. And I still made allowances. Until I started hearing that she was throwing me under the bus to her current management staff. Always, of course, behind my back. And the only time I heard from her was when she had an interview she wanted help prepping for or when she wanted me to check out a resume or an email she was sending out to her boss or co-workers.

So I hadn't heard from her for months really...

And then I got the news. With my most recent promotion and the management restructuring, I, once again, am in charge of that location...their supervisor will be my direct report. And she's applied for the supervisor position along with a few other people including a couple of co-workers.

So I really shouldn't have been surprised when she called. And I guess I wasn't. But when I was sitting at home last night, IMing with friends and posting on message boards...and I suddenly received an IM from her...after the months of dormancy...yeah, I was a tad surprised.

I swear, she must think I'm the most naive person...and that I'm completely incapable of seeing through her very obvious ploys. She "claimed" that she wasn't IMing me to find out if I'd made a decision. But she asked. And I anticipated that she'd ask. And then suddenly it was all about missing hanging out...a decision SHE made. She told me how she missed our friendship and that she felt like she didn't know how to talk to me anymore. And you know how the whole thing struck me? MANIPULATIVE!!!

This girl is just sooo self involved. It took me longer than usual to notice it because she's kinda quiet and mousy and passive aggressive. And it took till last year to notice it. And I thought maybe it was just a bad week. Last year, after hurricane Charley, lots of people in this area were displaced, homeless, powerless (both literally and figuratively). Her family lost their pool cage and a few shingles. The company we worked for was an integral part of the whole thing. Afterall, we work for a communications company...the only one up during that time. Anyway, we were asked to help out at the emergency call center while our location was closed for business. Our company paid us our hourly salary plus overtime and quota relief. And she was complaining. She felt she should be with her family in "their time of need". I thought it was selfish.

My best friend is ill. He confided in her about his illness. After I left...she made a crack to another employee about being sick of him and his illness and that she found it to be bull crap. Nevermind that it's a legitimate illness and life threatening. So he's been sick a few days. She's gone on multiple vacations, then had a shoulder injury, then a foot injury...both required her to be out for a longer period of time...and they picked up her shifts with no complaint.

After I heard about the comment she made...behind his back, I was sick to my stomach. And I realized that I never really knew her. I was a part of her life as long as I was convenient and I could help her and her career.

When she asked me if I'd want to go shopping with her again for her newest wedding gown (because she's only been married a year, but apparently the wedding was more her mother-in-law's than hers), she thought it would be simple...and another way to "bond" with me since we hadn't spent time together in ages. In my new position, I was forced to turn her down. I don't want anyone misinterpreting my actions or thinking I'm playing favorites. And frankly, it wasn't a hardship. I didn't want to go. When I explained why, she acted hurt...(and I'm sure she was). And then she proceeded to tell me how all that I taught her months ago contributed to the skill she shows at her job now.

She started asking me if I knew anything about filing workers comp papers, etc. Fortunately, I wasn't lying when I said I had no idea. And if I hadn't, I still wouldn't have helped. She hurt her shoulder again. She claims it happened falling on the job. Funny thing about that....the tapes were reviewed...never saw a fall of any kind. It'll be interesting to see what happens there.

So how in the HELL could she...for one second...think that I would offer a supervisor role to someone like this? She went the extra mile in the beginning to get a recommendation to get hired. After that she just acted entitled. She wasn't willing to take on more responsibility, and what responsibility she DID take was all grudgingly taken. Then there's the fact that she's thrown every manager she's had under the bus....including me...the only one who really ever had her back. She isn't even willing to take a full-time position unless it's management because it's easier to make more money if she doesn't. It's like she's afraid of going above and beyond. And she doesn't exactly have the respect of her team. So why would I bother? Why would I go out on a limb and put MY business in her hands? Sorry, I've lost faith and she broke trust. It's done. I'm done.

I hate users. And the worst thing? She doesn't even see how transparent she is. And it's too bad. I'm a pretty good friend. And as a boss....I'm GREAT at getting people promoted.

Oh, well. Her loss. Maybe if she grows up she'll get an opportunity again.

Lighten UP!

I have some very goofy friends who send me the darndest things. When I saw the first one, I cracked up.

I remember when the myth was that masturbation could make you go blind! I guess the threat didn't work any better with other people than it did with me.

Can you imagine the kitty graveyard out there if THAT statement were true?

Isn't that the REAL American past time? I think there are more Americans that masturbate than watch the world series.

As for the second pic? Well, that one's self explanatory.

And ANYONE who is or has worked in any form of a service industry understands this one all too well.

It kinda reminds me of the picture we used to have posted in our back office...it was a big circle with an X in the center...and at the bottom it said....

"Bang head here!"

There are always days...

It's our humor that helps us survive them. That and Alcohol.

I love my friends! They're great for making my laugh JUST when I need it.

The ME in the Mirror

I was in a chat with a bunch of friends last night, when someone mentioned seeing an article about Kirstie Alley and having her stomach stapled.

"Isn't she the Jenny Craig spokesperson?" someone asked.

We were all pretty sure she was...but apparently Jenny Craig only KINDA worked for her. So she had her stomach stapled. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

Women of today already have self esteem and image issues, all these unrealistic expectations they're trying to live up to. Not everyone can be Kate Moss....THANK GOD!

But on the other hand, it doesn't help to watch people represent things like "healthy" weight loss and then find out that she's had her stomach stapled. So going on Jenny Craig won't yield the average person the same results as Kirstie, will it? So how fair is it to hold HER up as the example of what Jenny Craig can do for you? It's hypocritical, not to mention even more damaging to the already fragile female self esteem.

Of course this is just one more in a long line of unrealistic expectations. I mean, in the '80's and early '90's people were gobbling up Jane Fonda work outs. How funny is it that despite all her exercise videos, she'd had liposuction to help her figure and image out?

And what does this say to the everyday person? That if you've got money, you don't HAVE to take care of yourself...with enough money, you can BUY the body you want....and laziness is acceptable.

Gotta love the double standards. I still say the old fashioned way of hard work, exercise, diet and self control are more effective, not to mention easier on your system.

But hey, I could be wrong.

I've heard it's happened once or twice.

Mayday, Mayday!

There's this boy. He flirts. With me. A lot.

He's definitely a temptation. He's got blond hair, chocolate brown eyes, prominent cheeck bones, chiseled jaw....and the cutest, tightest butt.

Butt's are very important. There's something about a bouncy, perky bubble butt that just catches my attention and draws the eye.

This young man is 18 years old.

I should run the other way.

I met him while I was working at one of my former locations. He's a technology geek. He knows how to use big words correctly...and he's still cute. It's tough to find guys in my age bracket that meet these requirements. And when I met him, he was jailbait. Sexy and Seventeen. And there he was...flirting with me...full of innuendo. I told him that as cute as he was, he was jailbait.

His response?

"It's only illegal if I tell."

The boy screamed trouble in neon! And yet...

I behaved. Then he turned 18. And he made sure I knew it. Whispered in my ear..."You know I'm legal now"....

And my libido went into overdrive. That was in March. I maintained control.

Then he called me last night. Not that this would be the first time he's called. But this time he asked me out. To a movie. A horror movie. We flirted...with eachother...and the idea...of a darkened theater...and me playing scared. And that we'd have the cover of darkness to hide any hanky panky. Is it wrong that when he said that he'd be quiet...(after intimating that he'd like my hands somewhere around his pants)...that I egged it on by saying that he doesn't know how good my hands are?

Like a good girl, I rainchecked... My friends are telling me to go teach the boy a thing or two...and have fun.

I think I'm gonna wind up pulling a Mrs Robinson.

Am I just delaying the inevitable?

At least I'm single...

Love And Marriage

I've been on vacation for the first time in years and I just got back. Ironically enough, the vacation called for me to fly out at the same time the hurricane was heading in....and we missed it. Yeah!

Having said that...today I spent catching up on my shows recorded on TiVo and I saw something that left me pretty appalled.

There was a nightly news teaser...it kinda disgusted me, not to mention turned my stomach.

I guess the new big thing is "divorce parties". They were filming them...you got to see themes, invitation cards, party hats, alcohol, high fives, etc. All I could think of was...how wrong...and how sad.

Here's a dissolution of marriage, and it's being lauded as the new "in" thing to do. Does marriage mean so little anymore? The destruction it causes families is now "no big deal"? And what about the carnage left behind? The broken dreams, the broken lives, the leftover kids? Do they not matter anymore?

Now, more and more, it seems that celebrating anniversaries are a thing of the past. Divorce is too easy. Marriage is entered too casually...with the thought "hey, if it doesn't work out, I can always get divorced." Color me old fashioned, but that's a HUGE part of why I haven't gotten married yet.

A few years ago I was at a wedding and in the first sentence the priest mentioned divorce. Granted it was in a different context, but all I could think of was that to even utter a word at that time is inappropriate...and it puts the thought into the excited bride and groom's minds. And I still believe in forever...in happily-ever-after. Maybe that makes me a sucker or a fool, but I do. And I believe that marriage takes work...and constant communication. Marriage is for the stubborn, for those who refuse to quit.

Now my parent's marriage didn't work out. And I do believe that there are certain exceptions to the rule...but overall, I think marriages stop working out because people stop trying and stop talking.

This weekend I was lucky enough to be a part of a surprise anniversary party for my best friend's parents. Their golden anniversary. I got to see their tears of appreciation and surprise that people loved them enough to plan this party out. Their life hasn't been easy. They've seen eachother through cancer, alcoholism, the death of children and grandchildren, but at the base was always a love of eachother and their kids. It was wonderful to get the opportunity to bask in their love...to celebrate THAT!

Thriving in love and marriage...THAT's worth celebrating...

Giving up has never been something worth a party to me.

Different Levels of Torture

Why do women put themselves through it? Is it vanity? Some misguided idea that it makes us more attractive to the opposite sex? That it makes our asses somehow look smaller and our legs look longer? Because we can't possibly be doing it just for ourselves. I swear, it's a great way to torture a person... If this is what they do at P.O.W. camps I'd have been talking inside 15 minutes.

What am I talking about? NEW high heeled shoes, of course! Breaking them in is wicked and cruel...and yet we inflict this on ourselves.

Bought a new pair a couple days ago. They always seem fairly comfortable when you leave the store....after they get the money out of you. Once you own them? They're instruments of pain. I'm sooo not wearing black to work tonight.

The real irony? "My Feet Hurt" is code between me and a couple of my gay friends for "Hot guy, check him out!" As I'm breaking in these new shoes there's much confusion. That's okay, it's revenge for what Jared did to me the day I bought them. I was helping him out at work...walked across the way to the store where I bought the shoes...but not till after I told him where I'd be going.

I came back...he was nowhere to be found. I asked Sarah where he'd went...praying that he was at the back storage unit. She said he'd left to return to the mall across the street. I told her to call him...the call went something like this.

Sarah: "Hey!"
Jared: "What's Up?"
Sarah: "Are you at the mall?"
Jared: "Yeah, lots of stuff to do, boss is whining about making sure everything looks good here."
Sarah: "Did you forget anything?"
Jared: "What are you talking about?"
Sarah: "Do you remember who you drove over here?"
Jared: "Huh?"
Sarah: "Do you remember who you walked in here with?"
Jared: "Oh, Shit! I forgot Kat!"
Sarah: "Uh huh!"
Jared: "Doh! Tell her I'll be there in a few minutes. Crap!"

Me...sitting there...feeling very forgotten and unloved for the moment. But only a moment. Then, I did what any self respecting best friend would do. I called his boyfriend and pimped him out for forgetting me. Oh, yeah. Between Mike and me, he'll never hear the end of it.

Now I don't feel so bad for taking pictures of large women in spandex bent over, cottage cheese and T-back hanging out...and sending it to his camera phone. Revenge is sweet!

Understanding Love

I was talking to this guy on my way into work the other day. It was one of those mundane days until he said something that I've heard him say a couple times now....but this time it made me see red. And I responded.

He said..."You'll never understand the love of God until you have a child of your own."

This bothered me on a few levels. So I outright told him that I didn't agree. I just don't find the love of God and the love of children to be mutually exclusive. Now I know, some people will look at me and assume I'm being defensive because I'm single and haven't had children yet. If that's how they choose to read this, so be it, but that statement was too patronizing and simplistic, not to mention insulting to pass up.

I don't feel that having children is a prerequisite to understanding the power of the love between God and man. For some, maybe having a child is the first time that they experience an unselfish relationship where they'd give up anything for the well being of someone else. I think that for those people, it's true...it's the first time they've felt a pure bond with someone...so it's the first time they've felt a kinship with their maker...or seen that the world must be bigger than what we see...because they see their child as a miracle. Wonderful for them.

But what about the childless? The ones with hearts so full of love that they adopt...the child isn't flesh of their flesh...but the love is no less strong. Or what about the flipside? What about parents like Susan Smith and others that litter the news? They were given the gift of children...and they chose to snuff it out. Did having children touch their hearts and souls? Obviously not...or at least not in a good way.

And what about people who give up the right to have children who dedicate their lives to God and ministry...because they choose to sacrifice the right to have children...does that mean that even in direct service of God they can't feel that grace? I don't think so.

Me? I love children. I don't have any right now. It wouldn't be fair to bring any into my world at this time when I'm so career driven. Children deserve to be the number one priority. I firmly believe that. And at this point in my life I can't offer it. Does that mean I don't understand what it's like to love and be loved by God?

I don't know....I've always felt his love surround me. It's what's given me strength in the hardest times in my life. I'm not a preachy person by nature. I don't force my beliefs on others...but I've never questioned my own values. I know that when I've hurt the most, or been the loneliest...God's always been there...sometimes in a beautiful summer day to put a smile on my face and remind me that there's beauty, even with pain. Other times it's with a friend to give me that hug I need to get through the day. Sometimes it's been with someone who needs me...allowing me to take my mind off myself and my own problems and help them out, reminding me that things can get better.

I've lost two brothers. And you know what helped me get through that? Having a God to believe in. Feeling touched and comforted in my darkest times. And knowing that I have the chance to see them again.

I also pointed out to this guy...if your whole belief in God stems only from the love of your children...what happens to that belief and faith if something bad were to happen? If, and I pray it never does, you lose a child? Do you then also lose your faith? If so, was it ever truly faith?

I believe that it's through the simplest, purest things in life that you start to see the beauty of a greater power. For me, that's God. Does my not having a husband or children make my relationship with him any less real?

I think not.

Beer Goggles

If ever I forget...Here's another reminder why moderation in all things is to be admired...LOL!

One of my closest friends, Jared, introduced me to Bloodhound Gang. Their song "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk" is classic.

Truthfully, I'm not much of a big drinker...due to prior experience I'm cautious. Too much of a control freak. That and I'm not big on drinking and driving. I've only been mildly drunk twice in my life...and never to the point of puking. Both times were wild fun. And I was with people I trust.

Now back to Jared, he's a riot. He called me up tonight a tad drunk. The thing about him...he's gay. And he's the coolest, funniest guy I know. He's also the only person who's ever managed to get me a tad bit tipsy.

He called me tonight because he'd been drinking, he was horny...and he said he was in the mood for phone sex. With me, apparently. I found this to be hysterical. He's like that. His boyfriend was at work. He told me to talk dirty to him. He never ceases to make me laugh.

So Perceptive

I was talking to my best friend this morning. She's been struggling within herself. She's not fully comfortable in her own skin quite yet. She doesn't realize all the beauty she has to offer the world. She's going to nursing school right now...and I think, finally she's starting to come to terms with the fact that she's a lot stronger and tougher than she gives herself credit for.

It's funny how perceptive she can be sometimes. She'd told me she'd read my last post...a tribute to my mom, and that she'd liked it. Funny, when I wrote it, I didn't think of it as a tribute to my mom. I was just talking.

I laughed...said something along the lines that it may be kinda hypocritical considering how my mom and I are like oil and water. You put the two of us in the same room for too long and it can be a dangerous thing. My mom has very strong opinions, so do I. And we're both quite formidable and used to getting our own ways. We don't always see the world the same way. We know better than most how to hit eachother below the belt to cause optimal pain. She's got a very Latin...flash-in-the-pan...type of temper. Mine's very Chinese...slow to boil...but God help you if I lose it. She says things in anger, she doesn't think...I'm very deliberate. It's scary how deliberate I can sometimes be.

But Natty pointed something out to me. She said..."Kat, bottom line is that you know that the most important parts of who you are come from the way she raised you. You know that at your most basic, you learned a lot from her and you're smart enough to love and appreciate her for that. It's part of what lets you be so different from her and still love her."

Ya know, that Natty Jo is awful smart sometimes.

My Mother Taught Me

For all that I have a reputation for being a wild child, I spent one of the most relaxing days I've had in a while...chillin' out online with a good friend who's currently living in Germany...trading tunes back and forth. The afternoon was spent catching up on some of the programs I'd TiVo'd. There's a part of me that's a homebody at heart...and there are some that would be SHOCKED to hear that.

It's strange how reputations come about. I've heard myself called anything from Dominatrix Kitty to little goodie-two-shoes. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. One of my guy friends once told me that when he met me he thought I was going to be a bitch because I was Asian. Apparently the Asian women of his acquaintance have all been heartless and cruel...tearing his heart out and then stomping on it. It's funny how people stereotype the second they hear I'm half Asian. One of my former employees looked at me when he realized I was Asian and said that I must be a "freak". I laughed. He was talking sexually.

I'm thinking that whole thing stems from the whole Lucy Liu scene in Charlie's Angels...And yeah, there's truth to the myth...I could totally see myself in leather. I own a biker jacket. I like to get my own way in the bedroom and out...and usually do...;-) But hey, that applies to lots of confident women.

Of course there's the dark side of the Asian myth...and I can tell you right now...I'm nobody's geisha girl.

I take pride in my Filipina background. My mom made sure I knew that side of my heritage. When we were stationed there when I was a child, I could have been enrolled in the Base schools like all the other military brats. Mom chose a different way. She enrolled me in a private Filipino school. And I loved every minute. I learned to speak Tagalog fluently within three months, and Kapangpangan in six...and taught it to my mom.

But my mom raised me to be more than just a mestisa with knowledge of both sides of her heritage. She raised me to think for myself, to be independent, to have a wild heart...and a big and loving one. My mom is huge on self reliance. Probably mostly because it had been a genuine concern for her.

She met my dad when she was 15. Married him when she was 17. Had me at 19...along with three younger siblings...all two years apart. Dad made a lot of promises. My mom is intelligent, but was looking for a better way for herself. Dad promised to take her away from everything and supply her with a college education. That was only the first of many promises he welched on. So when it ended after my youngest brother died...She had three children to support and no means to do so. And yet she did it. Amazingly, against all odds, she did it. She's an amazing and strong woman. I'm proud of her...and I know I don't say it nearly often enough.

Of course that's because I'm her biggest disappointment. I was the smart one, the brainiac who everything came easily to...and I chose not to continue my education...thus, effectively squashing her dreams for both of us. She wanted me to be somebody...like a doctor or a journalist or something along those lines. I wasn't as interested. And because she pushed so hard, I'm ashamed to admit...I rebelled...I went to college, but never finished. These days I'm thinking I'll go back.

But she did teach me a few things. She taught me that hard work and dedication matters. She taught me to believe...family--above all else, always. She taught me loyalty to friends. She taught me to be self sufficient, that I can be anything I want to be. She helped me explore my passion for writing and music.

Most importantly...She taught me some very important things about love. She taught me that the importance in self sufficience was so that you'd always know that you could take care of yourself. This way, if someone came along, you'd be with that person because you want to, not because you need to or you're afraid not to. She taught me that it's hugely important to be happy with the person I see in the mirror because it's hard for anyone to love you if you can't love yourself. And she taught me to never give up.

She told me when I was younger to date as many guys as I wanted to so that when the "right" guy came along, I'd know it. And she told me to never settle, and that being generous doesn't make you weak. And that beauty is skin deep, and in the eye of the beholder...always, always look deeper. Value things like loyalty, honesty, trust, intelligence...because ultimately, they're much more important than a pretty face.

That mom of mine is a pretty smart lady....(who says you need a college degree to be smart?)

Friends

I Will Not Be Broken

This song has become my mantra. I've always been a huge Bonnie Raitt fan...but this one spoke to me. Maybe it's because I've been examining my life a little more closely lately. Maybe it's because I've been probing deeper and found that although I can bend, I will not break. I'm not nearly as fragile as I appear.

I have a friend who's going through certain similarities in her life right now. So I sent the song along to her. Living with a sexual assault is always tough...and it doesn't matter how old you are or what the circumstances were...it's just never something easily gotten over.

I was ten when I was abused. Some might say it wasn't as "serious" as others because I didn't lose my virginity. They'd be wrong. To be violated, to be penetrated, to have kisses forced upon you...none of that is easy to deal with...or to block out. And the fact that I was an innocent 10 years old...it makes it tougher.

The guy who did this was my mom's best friend's husband. I didn't want to tell my mom about it. I was ashamed. But I had a very good friend who I'd confided in. She convinced me we needed to tell our moms. Together. And she held my hand as I told. The thing about it was that I had some warped logic that if I could keep his attention on me, he'd never touch my little sister or his own daughter...so in some way, I was protecting them. My 10 year old mind didn't understand that if he wanted to take something, he'd find a way. And that the bags of chocolates he gave me were deliberate attempts to silence me and make me feel guilty...as much as my arm jackhammered behind my back had been when he'd insisted I touch him.

Recently my friend asked me if I was angry with my mom or her best friend for what happened to me. It was a good question...one I'd never considered. I know I hate the man who did this to me. I know I was hurt and felt betrayed by my dad's lack of response and anger...but my mom? Never crossed my mind. So I thought about it. I wasn't angry with my mom. I was relieved. Grateful to have her there. She was always a constant support to me. Her righteous anger and indignation was somehow a salve on my fearful and wounded soul...helping me to realize that none of this was my fault. I heard her prayers at night...and her tears of regret. I know she prayed the most evil of plagues down on his head...and she probably still does...twenty plus years later.

As for his wife, my mom's best friend? I feel sorry for her. I still love her like an aunt. My mom and I talked, trying to decide if it was the right thing to do...telling her...if we should press charges. The whole thought made me a bit sick to my stomach at first. Then I started thinking. They have two children who's lives would be destroyed. My mom's best friend has a serious heart condition and a weak heart...and this could kill her. I'd have to be dragged through it again. And this may sound cheesy, but...we prayed about it...and slept on it. And then made the decision not to do anything about it except to remove me from the situation. We figured that any punishment that our legal system could think up...God was going to come up with something far worse for hurting one of his little ones. And if anything happened to my mom's best friend, I'd never forgive myself.

So I prayed for the strength to forgive...and to find a useful outlet for all the hurt I'd been through. I also prayed that I'd be normal. That the things this monster did to me wouldn't turn me into a person I couldn't face every day in the mirror. And I worked very hard...because I know that people who've been abused can become abusers themselves...and that was my biggest nightmare. And then there was the fear that I'd never be able to have a normal relationship...because women who've been abused as children usually go one of two ways...they become entirely too promiscuous or they become so puritanical that they may as well be nuns. I didn't want to be either. I just wanted to be normal and happy.

Because of my abuse, I've always taken a firm stance with guys in my life. I'm very upfront about my "no's". I didn't want any misunderstandings as to my meanings. I didn't want someone to misconstrue my no to really be a tease. And it worked. Guys respected what I said. And I took things slowly. I waited till I was 20 to lose my virginity. And somewhere along the way, I learned to not be afraid of myself and my sexuality. And I also learned that for all the hardships, I'm a survivor. And that I could help people with what they'd been through.

My experiences helped me give my best friend the support she needed when her suppressed memories of childhood trauma came up. It was having gone through what I did that helped me listen to what people weren't saying...and not jump to conclussions when a close friend in highschool said she lost her virginity to a stranger...(something she'd always joked about doing so that she wouldn't have to face awkwardness of the morning after)...and had me asking what happened. I still remember her breaking down in my arms and telling me that she'd been at a party, gotten drunk...and hadn't been strong enough to fight him off. I became the person people came to when they needed someone to listen and not judge....someone to be on their side and help see them through.

And the strangest thing is...that I think God started taking care of this guy who dared hurt one of his children. Apparently, his son saw what he'd done to me...although he'd tried to pretend he hadn't...and tried to block it out. And he told his mom...while they were on vacation. She cried. To this day, I still think she feels she owes me. She doesn't.

And then, that son, so like a brother to me, began to date a friend of mine who I'd talked to about the abuse...because she'd been there too. She decided to tell him about it....something I never wanted. He called and asked, and God, I wished I could lie. But I never could. Not about that. So I told him the truth. And he confronted his dad. I can still hear his voice ringing in my head..."How could you, dad? She was my age....MY AGE! She's like a SISTER to me!" And that evil man fell from grace in the eyes of his son...with no way to defend himself. That year, my friend wound up trying to OD on some meds....because he couldn't face what his dad had done. I think that's when the horror of what he'd done began to catch up to him. He almost lost his only son.

The best part, though, is seeing the fear in his eyes...as he tries to look at the adult I've become. He can't...there's too much guilt for him to be able to face me head on. But he knows. I see him for who he is, the coward, the fool, the perpetuator of evil.... I know what he did. I'm not angry anymore, nor am I stupid. But he knows. I'm a survivor. He didn't break me. He never will. And for now, that's all I need.