You know what sentence ticks me off like no other?
"Let's start over"
Honestly, if you're talking about a physical act, I'm cool with it. Usually, though, I hear this in reference to relationships....after someone's screwed up so bad they're not sure how to salvage it.
And it's my dad's favorite sentence....or so it feels.
Although I've forgiven my dad, and I don't hate him...there's still a lot of hurt...and residual trust issues. He broke my heart in a way that no man has been able to since. Maybe he's the reason I'm extremely cautious about giving my heart...or saying I love you....to the point where some have said I've got "fear of committment issues".
It's a lot deeper than my dad cheating on my mom...numerous times...blatantly...making my mother the laughingstock of the town. It's deeper than being born with an eye infection because dad didn't keep it in his pants and passed an STD along to his 19 yr old bride. Thank GOD there was no permanent damage...to me OR my mom.
It's more than the fact that even though my mom stuck it out for as long as she could...tried to make things work...until she finally couldn't take it....because he'd screwed up again. Paul died...and dad was no where to be found...apparently he was out "diddling" some woman behind mom's back. The fact that my mom stuck it out for 13 years is a testament to how strong SHE is.
But I think the day that my dad broke my heart was the week after Jonathan died...when he'd flown in (after he missed the funeral) to be with us. He took my sister and I for a few days to spend time with us. That was the week I finally told him about the fact that I was sexually abused. (Thankfully, my virginity was still intact...the abuse was more fondling, etc) But I digress. After I told my dad (and my uncle Mike...who was also there) what happened to me...and by who...My uncle acted like he wanted to kill someone. There was a righteous anger there...on my behalf. My dad...not so much. It was more, oh, I'm sorry that happened. And although he knew the guy who'd perpetrated the crime...he didn't seem to care. There was no anger....no nothing. And we've never talked about that day since.
His reaction hurt me. I felt like a dad should want to protect their child. He should be angry if and when that child is hurt or threatened. And a crime like that...a sex crime...is one of the worst. But he just shrugged it off.
And I've only seen him twice in the last 13 years. And when he married my step mom...I found out...fait accompli...in a Christmas card...he signed it with...Love, your dad...and Remy, your new step-mom. I felt the love. I wasn't even asked to the wedding.
And then he tells me he wants to start over? We can have a relationship. We can get to know eachother again. Maybe one day I'll understand where he's coming from...and hopefully he'll try to understand me...but we can't start over as if none of this stuff happened.
It did. And he missed me growing up. And there's too much water under the bridge.
I'm not out to hurt him. I'm not vindictive like that. But I'm honest ( brutally so). I'll never look at him with the innocence I had as a child. One of our more recent conversations...I had to tell him to please quit blaming and bad mouthing my mom. She's always been there for me...which was more than I could say for him.
What cracks me up is that a few years back we talked about me getting married...and I mentioned that I was thinking I'd have my mom walk me down the aisle. I mean, she'd been there for EVERYTHING...and that's a spot you EARN...your DNA doesn't automatically get you that spot. And when I told him I wasn't going to ask him for that...apparently he got offended. He hung up and told my sister.
Bless her...Her response ways, "Yeah? I'm not having you walk me down the aisle, either."
I love my dad. But he's a weak man. He's definitely fallible...and he makes mistakes. He never put his children first...at least not with me and my family.
My mom couldn't be more opposite. She's got a steely spine...
I'm so glad I inheritted that trait from her.
You've described my wife's dad to a Tee. At a certain point you can't do it anymore, and you realize life is too short to aggravate yourself with people you don't like. You start to tell them, "no offense, but I don't have time for you right now" and move along. They make their bed and they can lie in it.
ReplyDeleteThat's pretty much what I had to do. Tell him..."Dad, I love you, but I'm not dealing with this." Now we speak every once in a while. Apparently he called a couple days ago to make sure I was okay and not affected by hurricane Katrina (which my friends were saying was named after me...Kat@@)...again with the weeks late and a few dollars short. I guess the difference now is that I can laugh about it...and that I've come to expect it.
ReplyDeletethere's a song by william shatner (I know, but really) which he describes how he feels about being a dad just like that.
ReplyDeleteThe general tone of the song is that he knows he's not a "dad" at all but maybe there is some way to have a relationship somehow.