Family Album

I'm the oldest child of five.

It's so strange to think of that because when I think of my immediate siblings, I only think of my sister...Chris. She's two years younger than me.

This is a pic of me, my sis and my Mom. I'm the one in Blue.

But, extended families being what they are today...I have another sister. She's a halfsie...but no less important. Her name is Vanessa. She's the baby. She's sweet, naive, innocent...all the things I miss.... And she makes me feel OLD.

When I turned 30...she turned 15. HALF MY AGE!!!

To me, where family is a very close knit group, it's hard to think that a little girl who I've only seen in person twice in my life could be my sister. And yet I feel connected to her. Bonded to her as much as I do the siblings I grew up with.

My parents married when my mom was 17. It was a different world back then...literally. They met on Clark Air Force Base in the Philippines. My dad was that handsome, wiser, older man. He was 7 years my mom's senior. And he had blond hair and blue eyes. In the Philippines, those are a prize. I was born two years later.

Maybe that's why my relationship with my family is so complicated. I'm the black sheep. Some nights it bothers me. I feel like a disappointment. Most of the time I know my mom's proud of me and the person I've grown into.

I didn't say anything...but when my aunt Linda told me that my dad had said that Vanessa was his only "true" child....it stung. I don't begrudge her my dad or his time and attention. I'm glad he finally did right by one of his children. The part that hurt was the implication that somehow Chris and I weren't his "real" children. I knew what he meant. He wasn't there to raise me and Chris...and Jonathan and Paul died way too young.

But that was his fault. And although I've forgiven him....I don't think I'll ever forget. He chose to leave and go back to the Philippines when we needed him most. He cheated on my mom. He left, even when his parents begged him to stay stateside to be with his grieving children...who'd already lost too much when we lost Paul. He made a choice. And if I hadn't kept the communication lines open...if I hadn't called or made an effort...I'd wouldn't have ANY relationship with him except for cards at Christmas and on my birthday...when he remembers.

Vanessa is his only real child be default because she's the only one he actually raised. And finally, FINALLY...he showed up. And I'm glad for him. I'm most happy for her. She'll never know what it's like to feel abandoned by him. She'll never feel the pain of knowing she was picked second over strangers. She'll always be the most important person in his life. And he'd better cherish her in the ways he never did us.

She's the only innocent in all this. She deserves to be loved and happy.

She's my baby sister...

Bottom line is SHE knows she's loved. I'm glad.