Daddy Issues

My father called. Two days after all the tornadoes hit Florida (where I live) my father called. If it weren't so pathetic, it'd be laughable. Really. Except I have a hard time laughing. There are times when hearing his voice is like rubbing sand in my wounds. I hide them well, but I still have them. None of them are lethal, so I've managed to go on with minimal damages to my self esteem.

The funniest part was, he called me on the pretense of being concerned for me and whether or not I'd been impacted by the tornadoes. And then he asked if his sisters, my aunts, were impacted. Because, of course, I've kept in touch, though he couldn't be bothered most of the time. He's got their numbers, he chooses not to use them. So suddenly he's concerned...ironically enough, it sounded more like small talk than it did actual caring.

Then the real reason for his call came through. He's worried about my youngest sister. Apparently, she's now acting out. She's turned 19 years old and she's been going crazy on freedom since she turned 18. She's dating this guy, she's not coming home, she's not checking in. Her reasoning? "I'm an adult now, I can do what I want and you can't stop me." And they are worried. They bought that crap. Nevermind that she has a part time job that doesn't even make her enough money to pay her cell phone bill, not to mention her car, etc.

He doesn't know what to do. It's funny, really, if it weren't so sad. He never had to worry about my sister and I. Of course he didn't worry anyway. He left that to my mom. He barely remembered we exhisted...with the exception of Christmas and birthdays (and on birthdays he had to be reminded by my grandmother). But now, he's got problems with the only child he DID have a hand in raising, so he turned to me and my sister. Yeah, found out he reached out to her, too. Because apparently he's at his wit's end. He feels helpless.

I don't think he realizes that once upon a time I would've given anything to have him care about me that much. To care enough to check on me, to worry about me, to think of me and wonder what I was doing and if I was okay. I didn't get that. Never have. Not even when he found out that I had been sexually abused. But he had it for Vanessa. I know I sound a bit angry. Really, I'm not. I'm just sad. I'm glad he cares about what is going on with my sister.

On top of everything, he has no idea how to fix the problems that he's worried about. Neither does his wife. As the matter of fact, he put her on the phone with me to give her pointers. And then they both begged me to talk to her...because she loves, respects, and looks up to her big sister. I guess I should be grateful. I always knew where the boundaries were with my mom. As for my dad? Oh, yeah....I feel the love. I guess I matter to him when he needs something. I really feel sorry for him. He missed out.