Simple Faith

I turn 34 in 7 days. Back when I was about 27-28, the thought would've terrified me. I would've been concerned, wondering why my life plan is so off course... I mean, 34 and still unmarried, no prospects, and no kids? How could this be? The biggest flirt of my junior high and high school class...still single?

But times have changed. I've changed. I can't count how many times in the last 5 years I've had people misguidedly accuse me of being afraid of committment. The truth is I'm not. With the right person. I just haven't met him yet....or maybe I did...a long time ago, but I wasn't ready for it at that time...and neither was he. And it's not as though I've never been hurt or heartbroken or disappointed. I've been devastated by love that hasn't lasted. Hurt by men who either wanted to change me or who dated me, then realized they wanted someone else or something else. And yet here I am...

The funniest part is that what people tend to read as fear of committment is actually something much more surprising. Despite everything, all my disappointment, my heart break, breaking other people's hearts...I've somehow managed to hold on to my idealism. I still believe in true love. How that happened, I have no idea, but there it is. And I'm not talking about that head-in-the-clounds, dreamy eyed love that most of us girls dreamed of in high school and younger...

Why do I call myself a romantic? Because I still believe that it's possible to find a guy who will listen to me, who loves me as I am, a man who knows I can fight my own battles, but is always in my corner for moral support or back up if I ask for it. Someone who's not intimidated by my intelligence or my successes, but cheers me on and has his own. I believe I should be the most important woman in his life, though not necessarily the only one...(and I'm talking friends, family, etc.) I want a man who will stand up to me as quickly as he'd stand up for me, who supports my dreams as much as I support his. Someone who can make me laugh, who can hold me if I cry, and is not afraid to share his own laughter and tears, but trusts me enough to realize it won't make him any more or less a man in my eyes. Someone who still believes that marriage is a lifetime committment that takes a lot of hard work and won't take easy outs just because things get tough. More importantly, someone with common interests who also has plenty of interests that we don't have in common and isn't afraid to do those things without me...and with his friends...and will afford me the same kinds of freedoms.

How is it I haven't yet given up on this man? I don't expect perfection...just someone who shares the same general values and who will make a good parent if we were lucky enough to have children...but is smart enough not to lose ourselves in the lives we build...or allow the children we may have to define the people we are. And through it all...I want a man who will recognize when I need my man, not my husband.... I think that's why, though I'm not married...Andy Griggs' song is one of the sexiest songs I know....and is something I hope for one day.

Tonight I Wanna Be Your Man

Baby light a couple candles
Lock the bedroom door
Put on some sweet soul music
Throw a blanket on the floor
Surrender to my patient hands
All week I've been your husband
Tonight I wanna be your man

It hit me just this morning
When I passed you in the hall
I swear I caught you looking
Like you don't know me at all
Let me show you who I am
All week I've been your husband
Tonight I wanna be your man

I'll always be your cover when your cold
When the world lines up against you
I'm the safe place you can go
Now and then we need to find some time to be in love
Just be in loveNow the whole world's in bed sleeping
I think we're finally alone
If the telephone starts ringing
We'll pretend like we're not home
Cause any fool would understand
All week I've been your husband
Tonight I wanna be your man

Let me show you who I am
All week I've been your husband
Tonight I wanna your man
Just forget about that wedding band
All week I've been your husband
Tonight I wanna be your man

And you know what? One day, when I least expect it, someone is going to manage to sneak up on me...and I'll finally take that plunge... Once I know he's the right man to for my heart. And I truly believe my heart will know him. Okay, go ahead and laugh now...I know. 34, single...and oddly idealistic. Who'd have thought? After everything, I still believe in a forever kind of love!

A Brighter Future

I'm tired. Tired of letting my past control my present. The truth is, not all my childhood was bad. For a little while I had the childhood we all hope we can give to our children one day. So it didn't last. Does that make me a victim? Hell no. That's a conscious choice that we make. There's a difference between being victimized and being a victim. Lately I've realized that the thing that's been driving me is "not being a victim". The problem with that? It guarantees that you WILL become one....because your fears are wrapped up in being a victim. You inadvertently gravitate to it. So, as they say...if you close your eyes to see your future and you don't like what you see...change your future. It's really as simple as that.

I could sit here crying over spilt milk...and for a time I needed to do it...to let the poison out. But I'm looking at things differently these days. My past, present, and future are like a car. My future is the headlights...it just shows me where I want to go. No more, no less. My present is the steering wheel. It's what heads me in the right direction or allows me to change directions if I don't like the direction I'm headed in. My past? That's my rearview mirror. Now I can sit there and look back and see all the near misses or mistakes or missed opportunities...but you know what? I can't change the past. So instead, when I look back, I see all the ground I've covered and how far I've come. And it's made a difference. I'm happier with what I see, and I realize...I've come a long way! Not only that, I've grown. I've gotten better...and I've had a lot of successes along the way. I think that's a hell of a lot healthier to focus on.

So on this Father's day, instead of whining about what I didn't have, I'm gonna be glad for my step dad who has always tried to be there for me...even though he came into my life much later. And I'm going to celebrate all the father figures that I've had along the way that have shown me what I want for my own kids...if I were to have them. And I'm going to celebrate the fact that I still have my dad, and I love him, and that he's made less mistakes with my youngest sister.

In celebration of my positive outlook, I'm going to post a song that reminds me that we all make an impact on the people we touch...and that this is what I want for any future children I may be blessed with someday. And now I'm one step closer to knowing the kind of man I would share my life with.

RODNEY ATKINS LYRICS

"Watching You"

Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that
[Chorus one]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo,
I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where'd you learn to pray like that
[Chorus two]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo,
I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
[Bridge]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I'm big I'll still know what to do
[Chorus three]
Cause I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo,
I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I'll be as strong as superman
We'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I've been watching you