Random thoughts-Uncensored

I've needed some freedom to say what I want. Unedited!

I've been feeling stiffled. Concerned with hurting feelings. Tired of hearing how people know me better than me. Especially after spending all of a couple hours with me face to face. Total.

There's more to me than what meets the eye. Being kind isn't a crime. Wanting to see my friends happy doesn't make me a doormat. You'd be surprised at my steely spine!

Mom could tell you. I'm a chameleon. Yes, I can be loving, sweet, friendly, teasing.... But that's only a very small portion of who I am.

And don't flipping tell me I don't know "darkness". You have no idea about me and my world. I don't have to live in sack cloth and ashes to feel darkness and pain. Don't assume because I believe in happy endings and the power of prayer that I've never experienced pain or hurt. Or that I couldn't possibly understand dispair!

Let me tell you a little bit about dispair.

It's watching your two year old brother choke to death in front of your face...and not know what to do to save him. It's feeling guilty because you fed him the fruit that held the seed he choked on. It's having your ninth birthday forgotten in the wake of his death and funeral....which happened in the same time frame. It's moving to another country...without your dad. It's finding out your parents are divorcing (not that you're shocked...dad's been cheating for years...and you'd seen it) and being sexually molested by your mother's best friend's husband. It's having all this happen in the same ONE YEAR.

And if that's not enough? Let me add a few details. Like having your mother...in the heat of anger tell you that you killed your brother. And then have her not remember saying it. And you...not being able to erase it...because part of you felt that you deserved it.

Or losing another brother right before your freshman year in highschool. Or being the one in the ambulance with him as the paramedics fight to save his life...and having a car full of guys pull up next to the ambulance and attempt to hit on you. Or sitting in the waiting room....waiting for mom...sick to your stomach...waiting for news...afraid to hear what they have to say. And then finally hearing that he's brain dead. And being yelled at because you're too torn up to say a "proper" goodbye without breaking down in sorrow.

Then moving...yet again...so that you're no longer going to the highschool you were supposed to...but to a private school...because it will be "better" for you. And not being accepted as you walk in...at least by the girls...because they know the boys are going to see you as fresh meat.

And then there are the rumors that start when the boys realize you're not interested in them...calling you a "whore" or "slut"...things that are especially hurtful because of the abuse you'd experienced in your childhood. And worse yet, not being able to fight back the way you're used to because you can't afford to get into trouble...and you know your mom can't take anymore....she's still grieving. And then the ultimate...when deep in the back of your mind...you start to believe the lies.

But no, I'd know nothing about the feeling of darkness, of helplessness, of pain.

Not at all.