Sometimes It Just Works

It's a strange thing, life. Just when you least expect it, something happens to shake up the monotony. Things have been pretty hectic for me. I haven't had the time or inclination to date. I've been perfectly content to work...and hang out with Kirk the rest of the time. We haven't been together in years. We haven't even really been thinking of each other in that way. We'd come to the conclusion a while back that although we love each other, we're not "in love" with each other....at least not anymore. And yet...lately, there's been a shift.

We spend all our time together and love doing so. Sex has never been the issue with us. In fact, there really WASN'T a real issue. I guess the old addage is true..."marriage takes falling in love over and over again with the same person." I used to believe in that statement in theory. Now I think I really get it.There's no one else I've even been mildly inclined to spend my life with. And we've been living together either as a couple or as best friends now for about 15 years! The time just snuck up on me...I'd never even thought about it until lately. Heck, if you ask my nearest and dearest, they'd say that anyone who could live with me that long and still think I'm pretty cool is pretty amazing...not to mention patient.

So now it comes to this. We've been talking about our lives lately. And suddenly I feel like I've come full circle. We're seriously talking about marriage. I know. Shocker. Me. Marriage. Who'd've thunk it?

Happiness Wrapped In Heartache

Last weekend I went to my cousin, Michael's, wedding. My sister came to town that Thursday evening sans luggage. Why? Because my mom was late picking her up for the airport. She had the option of attemting to make her flight with her luggage coming a day later or trying to run through O'Hare Airport, luggage in hand, and probably miss her flight completely. After I picked her up at the airport the first stop we made was to Walmart to get her some interim clothes, undergarments, and other essentials. Looking back, it was all kind of comedic, but at the time, it was intensely stressful...mostly for Chris.

On to my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful event. It started early in the morning. Mike and Laura got married at 10am on a Saturday morning. The bride was radiant and the groom was thrilled. I was glad to be a part of it all. Four of the six aunts and uncles were able to make it there from up north. I never cry at weddings, but I cried at this one. The bride walked down the aisle escorted by her two young sons...and they gave her away. I found the moment poignant and sweet. It was thoughtful of both of them to include them in that manner.

The reception followed immediately in the church banquet hall. I thought it was awesome because it was a brunch reception. Lots of different kinds of breakfast foods from bagels to fresh fruit to muffins to breakfast casserole. It was light, it was fun, and most important to the bride and groom, it was cost effective yet classy.

The day should have been pretty close to perfect. One thing stood in the way from making it that kind of day. The groom's father and his wife did not come to the wedding. He refused to participate because he was against the union. I don't understand it. I was raised to believe that parents should love their children unconditionally. Maybe you don't always agree with every decision they make, but you support them through it and pray for the best.

I know Mike has been through a lot, but I don't think he deserved that kind of treatment. I understand their reservations. I really do. Mike has only been completely clean and sober for about 2 years now. He got caught up in heroin use when he was young. As it is, heroin is an addiction with a success rate of 1 of 2 people surviving. The odds are already against him. But he's been trying. He's working his program...and plans on using his experiences to do good in the world. He's working on becoming a youth pastor. He feels his personal experiences leave him uniquely qualified to help kids. I happen to agree.

A few months ago, after the date was set, they called a family meeting. My aunt, her ex husband, his new wife, and Mike's siblings and their significant others were all there. At this meeting Mike wanted to the concerns he was sure that they had. My aunt told Mike that she was concerned that he was rushing things...and that he'd been through so much already these last few years that she'd like him to take his time and slow down...but that she'd support him in whatever he did. She also said she had always liked Laura...who's been a schoolmate and friend of all three kids since they were in grade school...so it wasn't like he was marrying a stranger. She just wished they'd wait a bit.

His father, on the other hand, told him that he didn't approve, thought it would be a huge mistake, and he refused to give his support. (And he does marital counseling) Apparently his issue was with the fact that his new bride would be coming to him with a ready made family. His sister, who's a total daddy's little girl, sided with Jim. I found this sad and hypocritical based on their behaviors. Sarah got knocked up by an ex-boyfriend when she was 19. She had a young daughter when she married her husband. Jim cheated on my aunt Linda with a married woman and they broke up two homes when they got together...and they're married now. And yet he's going to cast stones and aspersions at this young lady and Mike for wanting to get married because she already has two sons? Puh-Leeze! What a flipping cop out. He has no room to talk. And then Laura asked Sarah to stand up for her in the wedding because she was one of her oldest friends...only to be told..."sorry, no. I completely agree with my dad. I'll go to the wedding, but I am going to practice tough love right now and not stand up for you guys."

Mike was devastated. He was going to ask his older brother, Dan, to stand up in the wedding, but after what happened with Sarah...he was afraid to ask. He couldn't take much more rejection. And the saddest part was that Dan WANTED to stand up...and never got the opportunity because of the selfish behaviors of his dad and sister.

I kept hoping that maybe Jim, who professes to be a very strong christian, would change his mind for Mike's sake. On the day of the wedding it was apparent he wouldn't. His loss, as far as I'm concerned. The wedding was beautiful. The minister preached about not interfering in their marriage... I couldn't help but think that the sermon was geared toward certain particular people...one who was present, and another who wasn't. His message was simple..."what God has joined together, let no man (or woman) tear asunder." He also stated that if they had concerns about the marriage...or either party in the marriage...that they should bring it to their pastor instead of taking sides within the marriage. I thought it was a pretty good message. Too bad the person who most needed to hear it wasn't there.

I talked to my aunt Linda during the reception and she said she was happy and relieved with the mature way Mike and Laura decided to take the fact that his dad would not be coming to the wedding. I guess a few weeks before the wedding Mike went to visit Jim one last time to ask him to reconsider or if he could send him an invitation. Jim's answer was that he wouldn't even accept the invitation, his feelings hadn't changed, and not to bother. Mike was hurt by the answer, but decided to take his concerns to God. He and Laura prayed about it every day. About a week before the wedding they decided to put together a box...they'd keep an extra set of all the momentos of the wedding....pictures, videos, programs, invitations, etc. They're gonna keep that box in a closet and put Jim's name on it. And in a few years, when he realizes that they did the right thing for them and he comes and tells them this...they're gonna tell him that they were sorry he couldn't be at the wedding. They would've loved to have him in their pics, etc...but that he was still there with them in their hearts. They're going to grab that box of momentos and tell him that they still want to share the wedding with him and that they saved these items for him. It helped Mike feel better about not having his dad there.

I think it's a mature way to handle things, though I can't see his dad ever apologizing or admitting he was wrong about anything. I just hope that they're able to see eachother through all this and live his dream. All Mike's ever wanted was to have a family of his own. And he looks so happy. I hope he gets to keep that smile on his face forever.