Herbal Tea and Sympathy

For the past few days I've been feeling like crap. I'm talking the achy, throbbing, headached, generally miserable kind of crap. Right now I'm beginning to wonder if there's any other kind.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I left work early and now I'm sitting here looking a fright in sweats (mind you I'm in Florida and the weather's great), Vicks on my chest, Advil in my person...sipping on some caffeine free Lemon herbal tea in a mug that boasts "I <3 My Attitude Problem"

What I should do is crawl my sorry butt into bed and get some rest. But I'm just too wound up for that to be effective. I'm excited, damn it! And sick. So I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Here's the thing. I just found out from my boss that it looks like I'm getting another promotion. I'm thrilled. Ecstatic! I'm ready for new challenges. I'm not able to release any details yet, but this is something to sing and dance about!

And here I am, brought low by either bad allergies or a cold. Worse yet? I'm at home alone for the week...no one to take care of me. Not that I'm the type anyway, but sometimes being coddled can feel really good. It makes me miss my mommy and all her little food concoctions she used to make for me when I was sick as a child. Now if I want something, I've got to drag my butt out there and cook it myself.

Am I too old to say...."Whaaaa!"?

Business and Pleasure Island

Went to Orlando yesterday. Work sent me there. Fortunately for me, a few of my friends were also there. It was a business function. The actually planned a scavenger hunt (my team won) that landed us in front of Pleasure Island. For those not familiar with Disney...Pleasure Island is a part of Disney that comes alive in the evening. There are all sorts of clubs for all sorts of musical tastes and styles...which means that alcohol also flows like water.

The company rented out 8 Trax (a club for 70's-80's music lovers) for dinner. The only thing that sucked was trying to eat standing up...and trying to figure out what you were eating because the lights were dimmed. Along with this, every person there with our company was given a wrist band that got us into any club on Pleasure Island without having to pay the cover. So you had the combination of people at a work party, with video camera phones and access to an awful lot of alcohol...I'm sure there's a lot of blackmail material everywhere now...LOL!

A few of us stopped at Bongo's while killing time before dinner. We got an early start on the drinks. Well...if you consider 5pm to be early. I started the night with my favorite...Grey Goose and orange with a splash of cran. Yummy! I needed a break.

I spent the rest of the night on the dance floor with the boys... and a couple of brave girls who decided to stay out. Most of the ladies wussed out because of the early morning meeting the next day. We hit about 3 clubs, but wound up spending the majority of the night dancing to old school music right back where we started. I guess I showed them that the "old" women can "hang"...and usually they do it better than the ones half their age.

Nothing like dancing the night away...and then finishing it off with a special playmate...It's been too long since I did something completely decadent and just for me... Bottom line, I woke up early that morning...sore, but refreshed...and then had to head over to my hotel room...

But what happened in Orlando...stays in Orlando.

Away Time

It's already been a long week and it just started.

Thank goodness for the break from the monotony of a routine. I'm headed to Orlando for a "summit".

Heh! That sounds so much more important than it actually is. That's probably why they named it thus. They're always thinking, those Marketing people.

But anyway, I'll be headed out for this thingie. I'm just grateful for my friends. We'll all be hanging out afterhours. I'm sure libations will be had by all. There's talk of a sojourn to Pleasure Island...Never been there...so we shall see. Regardless, it's been a long few weeks and Miz Kitty's in need of a bit of fun.

I may even take in a booty call while I'm out there...;-) Gotta love those friends with benefits.

The rule for the Summit? "What Happens In Orlando Stays In Orlando."

Sometimes rules are good.

Bewildered

What is WRONG with people?

I'm still scratching my head.

I got a text from a friend. He's at a Bon Jovi concert tonight....which totally rocks!

And yet his text read: 'Oh my god. I'm at a Bon Jovi concert with a friend of mine and this is pretty rough. :-( And I'm sweating! Biotch dragged me along. Arg. :-('

What person in his right mind is gonna complain about watching Bon Jovi?

It takes all kinds, I guess.

He'd probably rather see Luda....

Verizon Wireless and Hurricane Katrina

Something cool that Verizon Wireless is doing to aid in the Hurricane Katrina relief....

On your Verizon Wireless Phone...send a text message to the address...2HELP. It will allow you to automatically donate $5....and you can do it up to 5 times...donating a total of $25.

Just another way to help.

Sunday Afternoons

I'm a huge football fan, especially the Cowboys. It confuses people all the time because I'm from Chicago....well, KINDA from Chicago.

Here's the story...When I moved back to this country (I'm a military brat who got to travel all over-including Germany, the Philippines...and California-which sometimes might as well be another country)...the first team I saw play football was the Dallas Cowboys...and that was back in the day of Tony Dorsett...so, of course, I did what any good tomboy would do....I fell in love. With the game. With the team.

And then I lived in Chicago during the season of the '85 Bears. They became my #2 team. I still have the VHS tape of the Superbowl Shuffle...shhhh! Our little secret, K?


For a long time, I've loved Sundays. I hated having jobs that would require me to work...because then I'd miss the games. And I've had NFL Sunday Ticket for a while, now.

Now, I get my Sundays back. And today was a perfect one...even if my 'Boys weren't playing. I got to kick back, turn on the tube, order some Chicago Style Pizza, drink a cold drink and just veg!

The best part? The Bears Kicked the Lion's Butts! Barring injury, they could actually be decent this year. As could my 'Boys!

I LOVE Sundays!

The Earth Moved

My back yard is all dug up...but I'm excited. I can't wait till this project is done. This is the first thing I've added on since building the house. It should be fabulous. Now it's a matter of waiting for the deck to go in...and the cage to go up...and the pool to be completed. I'm not just a little thrilled. Now I don't have to leave home to get my cardio...and if I wanna skinny dip...who's gonna stop me? :-D

Thank goodness for watersports! And if your mind's in the gutter, good...then I'm not the only one. Hahaha!

Fallen From Grace

You know what sentence ticks me off like no other?

"Let's start over"

Honestly, if you're talking about a physical act, I'm cool with it. Usually, though, I hear this in reference to relationships....after someone's screwed up so bad they're not sure how to salvage it.

And it's my dad's favorite sentence....or so it feels.

Although I've forgiven my dad, and I don't hate him...there's still a lot of hurt...and residual trust issues. He broke my heart in a way that no man has been able to since. Maybe he's the reason I'm extremely cautious about giving my heart...or saying I love you....to the point where some have said I've got "fear of committment issues".

It's a lot deeper than my dad cheating on my mom...numerous times...blatantly...making my mother the laughingstock of the town. It's deeper than being born with an eye infection because dad didn't keep it in his pants and passed an STD along to his 19 yr old bride. Thank GOD there was no permanent damage...to me OR my mom.

It's more than the fact that even though my mom stuck it out for as long as she could...tried to make things work...until she finally couldn't take it....because he'd screwed up again. Paul died...and dad was no where to be found...apparently he was out "diddling" some woman behind mom's back. The fact that my mom stuck it out for 13 years is a testament to how strong SHE is.

But I think the day that my dad broke my heart was the week after Jonathan died...when he'd flown in (after he missed the funeral) to be with us. He took my sister and I for a few days to spend time with us. That was the week I finally told him about the fact that I was sexually abused. (Thankfully, my virginity was still intact...the abuse was more fondling, etc) But I digress. After I told my dad (and my uncle Mike...who was also there) what happened to me...and by who...My uncle acted like he wanted to kill someone. There was a righteous anger there...on my behalf. My dad...not so much. It was more, oh, I'm sorry that happened. And although he knew the guy who'd perpetrated the crime...he didn't seem to care. There was no anger....no nothing. And we've never talked about that day since.

His reaction hurt me. I felt like a dad should want to protect their child. He should be angry if and when that child is hurt or threatened. And a crime like that...a sex crime...is one of the worst. But he just shrugged it off.

And I've only seen him twice in the last 13 years. And when he married my step mom...I found out...fait accompli...in a Christmas card...he signed it with...Love, your dad...and Remy, your new step-mom. I felt the love. I wasn't even asked to the wedding.

And then he tells me he wants to start over? We can have a relationship. We can get to know eachother again. Maybe one day I'll understand where he's coming from...and hopefully he'll try to understand me...but we can't start over as if none of this stuff happened.

It did. And he missed me growing up. And there's too much water under the bridge.

I'm not out to hurt him. I'm not vindictive like that. But I'm honest ( brutally so). I'll never look at him with the innocence I had as a child. One of our more recent conversations...I had to tell him to please quit blaming and bad mouthing my mom. She's always been there for me...which was more than I could say for him.

What cracks me up is that a few years back we talked about me getting married...and I mentioned that I was thinking I'd have my mom walk me down the aisle. I mean, she'd been there for EVERYTHING...and that's a spot you EARN...your DNA doesn't automatically get you that spot. And when I told him I wasn't going to ask him for that...apparently he got offended. He hung up and told my sister.

Bless her...Her response ways, "Yeah? I'm not having you walk me down the aisle, either."

I love my dad. But he's a weak man. He's definitely fallible...and he makes mistakes. He never put his children first...at least not with me and my family.

My mom couldn't be more opposite. She's got a steely spine...

I'm so glad I inheritted that trait from her.

Scandals and Sex Toys

A friend of mine sent me this a couple of weeks back. It's real article from a UK newspaper.

Is it wrong that I found this hysterical...And at the same time could totally understand the woman's motivation?

Hey, it's just a way to spice up grocery shopping, right? I think the only thing that could've been better is if someone else had been holding on to the remote control.

Kinky fun gone awry!

Not that it would shock me or anything...

I still remember calling the Post Op ward to get a bed for a gentleman with a Penile fracture... I didn't think you could fracture the beast.... and as this poor guy was recovering...all I could think of was...Hmmm, I wonder if they cast the thing? ;-)

Then there was the woman who thought it would be all kinds of kinky fun to shove a thermometer in her hubby's urethra... I'm still confused as to what she was thinking... The thermometer could've broken...then what? It was a mercury thermometer.

But my all time favorite was the college student home for winter break who lost her B.O.B. inside...and couldn't get it out.

Yeah, the longer you live...the more strange stuff you see....

Family Album

I'm the oldest child of five.

It's so strange to think of that because when I think of my immediate siblings, I only think of my sister...Chris. She's two years younger than me.

This is a pic of me, my sis and my Mom. I'm the one in Blue.

But, extended families being what they are today...I have another sister. She's a halfsie...but no less important. Her name is Vanessa. She's the baby. She's sweet, naive, innocent...all the things I miss.... And she makes me feel OLD.

When I turned 30...she turned 15. HALF MY AGE!!!

To me, where family is a very close knit group, it's hard to think that a little girl who I've only seen in person twice in my life could be my sister. And yet I feel connected to her. Bonded to her as much as I do the siblings I grew up with.

My parents married when my mom was 17. It was a different world back then...literally. They met on Clark Air Force Base in the Philippines. My dad was that handsome, wiser, older man. He was 7 years my mom's senior. And he had blond hair and blue eyes. In the Philippines, those are a prize. I was born two years later.

Maybe that's why my relationship with my family is so complicated. I'm the black sheep. Some nights it bothers me. I feel like a disappointment. Most of the time I know my mom's proud of me and the person I've grown into.

I didn't say anything...but when my aunt Linda told me that my dad had said that Vanessa was his only "true" child....it stung. I don't begrudge her my dad or his time and attention. I'm glad he finally did right by one of his children. The part that hurt was the implication that somehow Chris and I weren't his "real" children. I knew what he meant. He wasn't there to raise me and Chris...and Jonathan and Paul died way too young.

But that was his fault. And although I've forgiven him....I don't think I'll ever forget. He chose to leave and go back to the Philippines when we needed him most. He cheated on my mom. He left, even when his parents begged him to stay stateside to be with his grieving children...who'd already lost too much when we lost Paul. He made a choice. And if I hadn't kept the communication lines open...if I hadn't called or made an effort...I'd wouldn't have ANY relationship with him except for cards at Christmas and on my birthday...when he remembers.

Vanessa is his only real child be default because she's the only one he actually raised. And finally, FINALLY...he showed up. And I'm glad for him. I'm most happy for her. She'll never know what it's like to feel abandoned by him. She'll never feel the pain of knowing she was picked second over strangers. She'll always be the most important person in his life. And he'd better cherish her in the ways he never did us.

She's the only innocent in all this. She deserves to be loved and happy.

She's my baby sister...

Bottom line is SHE knows she's loved. I'm glad.

Discovering Me...

I've been exploring my way around this site...snooping in here and there.

Pretty cool!

There's stuff all over...for all kinds of different tastes.

Here, you can talk about anything. You can be anything and everything you are. And it's all good. I think that's the freedom I find in writing here. I can spill out my soul or my stupidity or my vanity or anything else I feel like discussing.

I'm reserving the right to keep these pages as work free as possible. This shall be my escape from my workaholic self.

Here I'll explore myself.

A friend asked me a few days back if I had any advice for her. She was feeling down. She likes my positive outlook on life. Words of wisdom...from me. The request from someone I soooo admire. It floored me!

The truth is, overall, I AM a positive person...although I'm not quite sure what happened to make me that way. The whys. I've never really analyzed it before. I just took it for fact.

Now I'm starting to look inward, delve into the whys....

This will be a journey for me

And this is as good a place as any for self discovery.

The Birthday Party

Sometimes, the best thing for you is the one thing you don't want to do.

My friend Al's birthday was yesterday. I owe a lot to this guy.

He hired me into the company that I'm building my career in. Thanks to his mentoring, I've been promoted 4 times in the last 2 years. He'd tell you it wasn't exactly tough considering how ambitious I am. Leadership and mentoring come naturally to me.

That and I could sell ice to Eskimos.

But I digress.

This week has been a tough one for me.

I'm normally little Kitty Sunshine... But not these last couple of weeks. And last night was his birthday.

He'd called me last Thursday to tell me not to make plans for Tuesday night because we'd be hanging out in a nearby town. And that I had no excuse. I'd been given early notice. (He thought I was going to wuss out). Truth is, I wanted to. I was in no partying mood.

But it was HIS birthday. This wasn't ABOUT me. So I prepared myself to suck it up. One of my best friends, Sean, came to meet me at my work...and he followed me to The Ale House. I didn't tell Al what was going on with me. Sean didn't mention it either. It wouldn't be fair to lay that on Al, and he'd just feel bad for "making" me be there.

I got there thinking..."I'll just paint on a happy face...help him celebrate, then go home and crawl into bed."

Imagine my surprise when I had fun! Sometimes the best thing to kick a person out of a funk is to be happy for someone else! I'd forgotten that lesson. We all got Al cheesy cards, we teased him about his "ho's in different area codes"...then we told him he was on a drinking schedule. The goal of the evening was to get him shaiza faced.

Now Al...he's a total guy's guy. So I almost died laughing when Sean leaned across the table to ask me what the biggest wussy drink I could think of was....(not counting coolers, etc). We got him a sex-on-the-beach...and had them garnish the heck out of the glass lip. It looked like the biggest fru-fru drink ever! The look on his face was comical! The look on his face when he tasted it was better. He's a total Rum and Diet Coke guy....sooo....LOL!

Next came the crazy stuff. They got him some kinda takillya shot. And then it got really creative. Sean ordered a milk shot with a slice of lime to decorate it. Al took one look and got nervous. He thought it might be a key lime pie shot... When he finally took a taste...he just shook his head.

Then there was the blowjob shot. Which we made him drink the RIGHT way... After he confiscated all our videocamera phones so that there was no blackmail material for later....LOL!

In the end, that night was exactly what I needed...and I made a friend's birthday. And that matters to me.

Being there...that's important.

Faith

It's funny how life works sometimes...

I was reading some of the comments written in response to my first posting.

To Carly...thanks...you're a pal for guiding me this way. I needed some space to just be me.

To the rest of you...thank you all for your responses. It was a great welcome.

A couple of them got me thinking.

I know I've still got issues to work out and vent away at. It's the truth. Writing to me has always been like sharing a part of my soul. It's always proven cathartic. When I was younger, I expressed myself in poetry. And when that didn't work, I'd sing. I'd find a song who's words touched at whatever I was feeling...good, bad or ugly...and I'd pour my soul into every word. I still do that.

Anger, hurt, fear...it's always there. But self distruction...I believe that's a choice. I try not to live in that world.

And when I don't always understand something, when I can't make sense of the "why's"....I try to figure out how I can use what I've been through to help someone else.

That probably sounds cheesy.

But it's true.

After my second brother died, people came to me...asked me if I blamed God...if it had shaken my faith. Again with the "Why did God take him so young?".

I learned something valuable...

I learned I am strong. That there aren't many storms that I can't weather.

One day, about a month after my brother died, the pain just seemed unbearable. I couldn't think, I could barely breathe, I was shaking... I found myself walking aimlessly around this new, unfamiliar neighborhood that my mom had moved us to.

I wound up sitting on the bleachers of a little league baseball field (thank goodness it wasn't season) crying as if my heart were broken...which, of course, it was. I couldn't stop. I felt like the whole world had gone black and I'd probably never see the sun again.

All of a sudden, I heard someone walking my way. I tried to hide my face. I didn't want anyone to see me cry.

This guy, James, walked up to me, pulled me in his arms...didn't say a word. He just let me cry. He offered me comfort. And when I finally stopped, he walked me home.

I firmly believe God sent him to me that day. He knew I was feeling weak...so he sent me someone to lean on.

Some may question it, but that behavior was so out of character for this guy. He was the most self-centered, ego-maniacal guy I knew back then. But not on that day. That day he was there for me.

And then, later on in the year....my experiences enabled me to help my close friend Jana when her step-mom died. And my friend Holly when her dad went into a coma. And neither of them would've come to me if they hadn't known that I'd understand.

It's funny how life works sometimes...

Random thoughts-Uncensored

I've needed some freedom to say what I want. Unedited!

I've been feeling stiffled. Concerned with hurting feelings. Tired of hearing how people know me better than me. Especially after spending all of a couple hours with me face to face. Total.

There's more to me than what meets the eye. Being kind isn't a crime. Wanting to see my friends happy doesn't make me a doormat. You'd be surprised at my steely spine!

Mom could tell you. I'm a chameleon. Yes, I can be loving, sweet, friendly, teasing.... But that's only a very small portion of who I am.

And don't flipping tell me I don't know "darkness". You have no idea about me and my world. I don't have to live in sack cloth and ashes to feel darkness and pain. Don't assume because I believe in happy endings and the power of prayer that I've never experienced pain or hurt. Or that I couldn't possibly understand dispair!

Let me tell you a little bit about dispair.

It's watching your two year old brother choke to death in front of your face...and not know what to do to save him. It's feeling guilty because you fed him the fruit that held the seed he choked on. It's having your ninth birthday forgotten in the wake of his death and funeral....which happened in the same time frame. It's moving to another country...without your dad. It's finding out your parents are divorcing (not that you're shocked...dad's been cheating for years...and you'd seen it) and being sexually molested by your mother's best friend's husband. It's having all this happen in the same ONE YEAR.

And if that's not enough? Let me add a few details. Like having your mother...in the heat of anger tell you that you killed your brother. And then have her not remember saying it. And you...not being able to erase it...because part of you felt that you deserved it.

Or losing another brother right before your freshman year in highschool. Or being the one in the ambulance with him as the paramedics fight to save his life...and having a car full of guys pull up next to the ambulance and attempt to hit on you. Or sitting in the waiting room....waiting for mom...sick to your stomach...waiting for news...afraid to hear what they have to say. And then finally hearing that he's brain dead. And being yelled at because you're too torn up to say a "proper" goodbye without breaking down in sorrow.

Then moving...yet again...so that you're no longer going to the highschool you were supposed to...but to a private school...because it will be "better" for you. And not being accepted as you walk in...at least by the girls...because they know the boys are going to see you as fresh meat.

And then there are the rumors that start when the boys realize you're not interested in them...calling you a "whore" or "slut"...things that are especially hurtful because of the abuse you'd experienced in your childhood. And worse yet, not being able to fight back the way you're used to because you can't afford to get into trouble...and you know your mom can't take anymore....she's still grieving. And then the ultimate...when deep in the back of your mind...you start to believe the lies.

But no, I'd know nothing about the feeling of darkness, of helplessness, of pain.

Not at all.