Christmas Eve Souvenirs

Ah, the beauty of speculation is that you get to hear some pretty outlandish and farfetched things. So Christmas day, a couple of friends came to my front door and saw a bandaid on my forehead. They asked if I was okay...I made them promise not to laugh and exposed...this!!!

After a couple of giggles, there were the questions...

"What happened?"

"What did you do?"

And while I debated whether or not to tell them...they started to guess. Here's the speculation I heard:

"Curling Iron Burn?"

"Rug burn?"

"Kinky sex?"

Yeah, you guessed it, I've got some filthy minded friends.

The truth about the injury? I did something stupid. I was hanging out in my pool Christmas eve night. It was 60 degrees out, but it was almost 90 degrees in the pool. We turned on the pool light...made it green to be festive for the holiday. I was messing around doing laps and stuff. I decided it might be a fun idea to try to move my body like a fish under water and see how far across the pool I could get before I needed oxygen. So I closed my eyes (I'd left my contacts in) and piked down....and....SMACK!!!! Right on the bottom of the pool. Apparently I'd misjudged the depth and went about 4' down into a 3 1/2 foot area. Man, did that sting. Yes, yes, I gave myself a concussion for Christmas eve. No doctors visit required, thankfully.

No, I had not been drinking any alcohol, more's the pity.

And yes, I'm the same girl who can manage to trip over bottled water.

I can't help but laugh...and fortunately for me, everyone around me is also amused.

Strong Shoulders

I got a call a little while ago. Patrick told me that he had some news. His father hasn't been feeling very well since after the last hurricane. Apparently his dad went in to the doctor for some x-rays and they finally got the results. His dad has pleural mesothelioma.

Patrick is someone who's close to me. He's the one guy who always seems to know what I'm not saying. The guy who's a great friend...and more. He's one of those rare guys...one that watches, observes, understands what isn't said as well as what is. He's not afraid to call me on my stuff, and he loves that I'm a strong individual...it's part of my appeal to him.

So when I got this sense a couple nights ago that I should call him, I followed my instincts. He said everything was okay, but that feeling stayed with me. I told him that if he needed or wanted me to call.

So he did. Today. Because they finally have something difinitive about his dad. His dad's condition went undiagnosed for months by a nurse practitioner. He had a negligent family doctor who was never in office and never saw him. When he was finally diagnosed it was because he went to the hospital again and a surgeon was called in on the consult. And when he went to schedule an appointment with the doctor to get the referrals he needed to see the specialist, they put him off, the doctor never called back, and finally said that he could be scheduled almost a month out....mind you this was for a tentative diagnosis of cancer.

They wound up having to call the surgeon again. He lit a fire under the GP who then finally returned the call and got him in for an emergency visit that same day. After his dad's lung biopsy, Patrick told me that the surgeon saw some signs of advanced stages of the disease, so they're gonna work hard and fast to get them an idea of what kind of treatment plan he'll need to undergo...or if he's in end stage.

Patrick's trying to be strong for his family right now. He's laughing, or he'd probably wind up breaking down and crying. So I reminded him again...I'm here. Always. For him. When he can't be strong anymore, he's got me to lean on... It's strange how even miles away...I knew he needed me.

Thrilling

I'm so excited for one of my oldest and closest friends! Recently she called me up to tell me some stellar news.

She's having a baby!

Now I know some would say that this is a normal everyday occurrence in life. And you'd be right. But for her, this has been a challenge.

She was diagnosed with endometriosis at a very young age. She was put on birth control before she was even all that interested in sex. She's had two surgeries. She'd also seen a fertility specialist. There had been a few false alarms and scares, but it was starting to look like having a baby just wasn't in the cards for her.

She'd all but reconciled herself to being the best auntie ever to her niece and nephew.

So imagine my shock a week or so ago when she called me at 8am to tell me the good news! In a time when miracles are so scarce, she was blessed with one!

I'm so excited for her! She's gonna make an amazing mother. It's enough to make me consider setting my biological clock...almost. Nah! I think I'll just hold out for a puppy for now. Love kids as I do, I just wouldn't have the time that should be dedicated for a child. I can be a proud Auntie, though!

The Hag

Work has been crazy and stressful lately. Added to the insanity that is retail during holiday season is the new promotion...I'm grateful, don't misunderstand. But I'm also responsible for 4 locations. That's a lot of people.

So last Friday I was taking one of my assistant managers around my new location group (not thrilled with the name, btw...D.A.D. Manager is my new title). Along with the holiday comes much micro-managing from the higher ups. There's all the panic and chaos associated with corporate visits, etc. So I'd gotten a visit, a call, and an email about one of my locations all in one day. And it wasn't very fun. By the end of the day my assistant and I decided we needed to relax somewhere friendly that served liquid libations.

Mike met us at Chili's...afterall, it's happy hour...all the time! The three of us planned on having a drink or two. My assistant was gonna have a couple beers then head home. I started with Long Islands... Mike followed my lead. Jared headed out after he finished brown nosing to the mucky mucks who were having drinks at Ruby Tuesdays...(I was invited, figured it would be career suicide as I'm honest sober; drunk- I'm painfully so...and I was feeling the urge to tear their throats out and step on them at the time).

The one or two drinks somehow multiplied into 5 or 6. It had been a while since I'd had the time to simply cut loose and have fun and not worry about work. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so the booze went straight to my head. I was feeling good.

We all got a bit silly. I unzipped Jared's pants...he called me a chicken for not doing more (gay men are such teases). He gave me a lap dance. Mike and J had a contest as to who nibbles on a neck better...and mine got to be the lucky neck. Some woman offered to buy me a shot called the "bend me over and lick my ass"...told me it tastes like Cherries...and I had a giggle at the innuendo of it all while Mike whispered to me to take her up on the offer. One of the waitresses tried to get Jared's phone number only to be turned down and told she wasn't his type. Guess she missed Mike and Jared kissing when Jared walked through the door. Or she missed Jared and me kissing, or maybe it was Mike and me kissing that confused her...LOL! Hmmm...come to think of it, maybe I should have been offended that she tried to get his number after she'd seen his lips planted on mine....curious.

I ran into some people I knew inside... Feeling pretty uninhibited, I answered the girl's question about a side bet she and her boyfriend had as to whether or not Jared and Mike were gay...I answered in the affirmative. She asked me to tell them that they were "Hot!" and then told her boyfriend that she was right and all the best looking men were gay (Wonder how that made the boyfriend feel?). Her boyfriend had assumed the boys were straight because they're both very "butch". Somehow this turned into a convo about how I could have a 3 way with the two boys if I wanted...to which one of the guys said...it'd be hot if it were 2 girls instead of two guys...and my drunken diarrhea of the mouth had me replying that I could do that, too...

And the topper for the evening? Standing outside while everyone smoked cigarettes and announcing to my friends...and some random strangers on a bench...that I am the Fag Hag for Charlotte County. To which the stranger on the bench replied..."I LOVE you! You're awesome." Big surprise, he was gay, too. Oh, and his female friend sitting there...yeah, you guessed it...she hit on me.

The worst of it is, I wish I could say that alcohol were the primary contributor, but I can't. Nothing I did that night is anything I wouldn't do sober.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Spent most of yesterday in a line. At least that's how it felt.
New game system release day. And Woohoo! My persistance paid off; I was eighth in line and they had 26 of the "Gold" ones. I got the X-Box 360. All is good. I was a hero.

Spent a lot of time in line problem solving and trouble shooting. Apologized to fellow line people in advance for calls I knew I'd receive from work. They were all cool though. The guy behind me was a customer.

*****

While in line I got a crisis call from one of my young employees letting me know he was headed to the emergency room. Poor kid. 20 years old. He was bleeding urine. OUCH!
Apparently his brother had kicked him where he shouldn't and hurt one of his "boys". Man, I'm a girl and I only fight that dirty with lots of warning and after some seriously unforgiveable stuff.

I told him to call me when he got to the ER and let me know what was going on. The doctor told him that usually, in situations like this after leaving "the boys" untreated for more than a couple of hours, there isn't much that can be done. Often, the only option is to remove the damaged "boy". He was terrified that he was gonna lose his testicle, especially since they believed it to be fractured.

It wasn't till AFTER his final test, an ultrasound, that they found it was salvageable, just swollen. He got lucky.

Little Moments

I talked to Patrick today. He's THAT guy for me. The one guy I can sit in silence with and still feel at peace. The one who reads my thoughts before I even think to give voice to them. That one who really appreciates me for me...quirks and all. And the quirks somehow make me more appealing to him. He sees the secret me that I work so hard to hide. He also lives 3 hours away.

'Little Moments' by Brad Paisley makes him think of me. We laughingly say it was written for me....especially the part that says..."It's the little imperfections, it's the sudden change in plans when she misreads the directions and we're lost, but holding hands. Yeah, I live for little moments like that."

Our first date...I got lost. Our second date...I got lost. It's become a running joke.

So today I visited one of my locations...and on my way home I accidentally exited to the interstate heading south instead of north. And I knew where I was supposed to go. Normally, the perfectionist in me would kick in and get worked up. Not today.

Today I called Patrick. I didn't realize how much I've missed his voice, his laugh.

Just that laughter at telling him what I did....It was like getting a hug from a long distance friend.

Latino Heat

It may not mean much to many people, but it meant a lot to me.

I used to watch him in my living room. At first he annoyed and irritated me. I couldn't wait till he went. Then, like most things that hang around, I got used to him. Pretty soon I found myself amused by him, drawn into his innate sense for what entertained. He sure knew how to make me laugh.

I was there during his ups and downs. Cheering him on when things got rocky, sure he'd see things through to the other side. I admired his dedication to his work and his family.

Most of all, I admired his dedication to me....His fan...one of many.

Eddie Guerrero, you will be missed.

God Bless, Godspeed, and my prayers go out to your family.

I'll miss you Mondays and Thursdays the most. The wrestling world won't be the same without you.

Teen Marriages

I just got a text from my 18 yr old former employee. His 16 year old girlfriend just proposed to him. She had a ring and everything. For him. Of course he proposed to her months ago.

Two things about all this strike me as odd. 1.) Since when do both parties propose? Usually one proposal is enough. The other party accepts. End of story. But no, not with these two. 2.) Why does it seem like EVERY kid in FL is in a hurry to either get married or have babies or both?

I guess there's a 3rd....Why are neither of these kids' parents tweaking out? They're still so young! But apparently, as long as they wait 2 years...which gives her time to graduate high school and him time to get some college under his belt...they're thrilled. The girls' parents have already welcomed him into the family...and vice versa (and it's not even reverse psychology as they appear to think this is normal behavior). Their pastor seemed to be the only one who had the slightest problem with all of this.

Part of me is all...how sweet....young love...still innocent, like that song by the Judds. The other part wants to knock their heads together and scream....do they have any idea what a tough road they're edging toward? Are they CRAZY? But I've been good. I've held my own council. It's not my business, and they're good kids. I just can't imagine actually WANTING to get married right after high school.

Am I wrong, thinking like this? Does this mean I'm jaded? Does anyone else get why you'd want to get married so young?

I suddenly feel ANCIENT!

The finished product

It's finally done! Got to have my first swim yesterday. ::sigh:: I love my new pool. And just in time for Christmas. Thank goodness it's heated! :-) Of course in Florida I'll only have to turn the heat on for a couple of months.

But it's nice to know I can.

Impromptu Party

This isn't the best pic in the world...it's from my Camera phone, but these are the boys...LOL! It's been a while since I've had time to blow off steam, so doing so Friday night was great. Chris (boy in blue) and Jared (white tee) came over to watch a work video I had to monitor with me. They're good friends like that. One thing led to another...Grey Goose bottles were opened...Ice and OJ were mixed in...

Chris and I are both managers...and apparently we both needed to blow off steam. I was showing off my new pool. Then I mentioned the punching bag I had in my garage. Chris wanted to see....and put in a few hits. So he punched...I held the bag...and Jared got nervous that Chris was going to get carried away and accidentally punch me. He had A LOT of aggression to work off. He was yelling at his employees with every punch. Better the bag than them.

Then back into the living room.

I have a karaoke machine. It's one of my not-so-guilty pleasures. It's great for parties...especially impromptu ones. And there's nothing funnier than watching a white boy try to sing a Nelly song. Mike, Jared's beau (the guy in the red shirt) came over...and the merriment continued...and alcohol flowed. We danced around my living room. We sang at the top of our lungs...songs like "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party" and "I Love Rock And Roll". I can sing...grew up doing it. So did Mike and Jared. Chris? Eh, not so much...but sometimes that brutally off key sound can make things that much more fun. So I played Sandy to Jared and Mike's Danny in "Summer Nights". The pic is actually the three boys getting all revved up singing Backstreet Boys...LOL! They're so predictable...that and Y.M.C.A. and they were going nuts. Steriotypical gay guys...LOL! I love them for that! Nothing like spending a Friday night singing at the top of your lungs, dancing around the living room...with guys who aren't afraid to sing with you...and are closet boy band fans...throw in a little alcohol and talk of Brad Pitt and James VanDerBeek and a few kisses... It was a blast! I needed it, too. It was so relaxing to put my hair down, take my bra off, and just chill.

Plus, they said I've got great tits.... God love 'em!

Freaks and Geeks

I'm in love....

I'm in love with technology....electronics....and now...Oakley just made my nipples hard. They came out with this AMAZING new pair of shades... And they're Bluetooth enabled, too. They were smart about it...partnered up with Motorola. Now I'm thinking I may have to shell out a few hundred bucks for a new pair of shades. I NEVER spend that much on that stuff, but I can justify it if there's built in technology.

Yes, yes....I'm one of those geeks. I got a microwave with a fancy touchscreen panel that could sing to you and give you recipes. I've been dying to get this smoothtop range that has a built in convection oven...AND...a built in refrigerator. I know. I know. Insane, right? But say...I want fresh cinnamon rolls in the morning for breakfast (I love to bake to relax)...I can chill them in the oven, then set the oven to turn on at a certain time...and to shut off, too...so that the smell of cinnamon buns can be the first thing I smell. How cool is that?

Then there are the PDA's....and the Cell phones....

Don't even get me started on the cell phones. :-)

************

And now the pool is almost done! They laid the quartz, they smoothed it out. They filled the pool with water. Tomorrow they turn on the pumps and start the treating process. I'll be able to swim in it by next week! Notice the pool bench? I'm thinking it looks like the perfect spot for a bootie call! :-x

Hey, I figure work hard, play harder! And I've been busting my bootie, so I'm taking my playtime seriously.

************

You know what else amused me?

The Carolina Panthers cheerleaders' story. They come down to Trampa and get in a drunken barroom catfight in the ladies loo.... Well, two of them did. And wound up getting arrested. What's this world coming to?

Apparently they were performing most every straight man's fantasy together...alone...in one of the stalls. The other patrons didn't appreciate it because they had to wait in line to use the lavatory...and I'm also guessing they could hear the noises and one or two uptight types got their knickers in a twist.

Go figure!

Guess they should've used the mens room! :-D

Battle Of The Sexes

Was watching the Simpsons. Funniest little scene between Bart and Robot...

Robot: "It's not uncommon for robots to be abandoned?"

Bart: "I'm a human not a robot."

Robot: "What is it like to have feelings?"

Bart: "I'm a human, not a GIRL!"

Yesterday's Trash

There's a young lady I know. We met at work. We used to be close. Once upon a time. I stood up in her wedding. I threw her bachelorette party. Now....I hardly talk to her. And when I do, I walk away feeling irritated. Everything she says or does feels manipulative. I know she's trying to use me.

She and I used to laugh, a lot. I was a combination big sister, friend, sex therapist...and a bit of innocent flirtation thrown in just for fun. I still remember the first time she asked to join me on lunch. She wanted my advice. Apparently I exude sexual awareness. Because she had some questions to ask me with reference to oral sex and her boyfriend. Made me feel like Dr. Ruth...but I guess the advice worked...LOL! Yeah, I have to laugh about things because otherwise I'll just be sad and disappointed.

She seemed like such a sweet girl. She was a temp with our company for the holidays...working on trying to get her foot in the door. And I went to bat for her to help get her in. And now, 2 years later, I'm removing the dagger from my back and seeing her for who she really is.

As I got closer to Jared, our friendship began to sour. She was jealous. Somehow, she couldn't get it through her head that I was capable of having room in my heart for more than one friend. Initially she was friendly to Jared. He thought she was nice. Till she showed her true colors... Initially I took it for Newlywed Mania. She suddenly didn't do anything but spend time with her hubby and her family. I made allowances. I wasn't upset.

But then I got promoted. And suddenly, now that I wasn't at that location anymore...she became very unkind to Jared. And still she didn't have much time. And I still made allowances. Until I started hearing that she was throwing me under the bus to her current management staff. Always, of course, behind my back. And the only time I heard from her was when she had an interview she wanted help prepping for or when she wanted me to check out a resume or an email she was sending out to her boss or co-workers.

So I hadn't heard from her for months really...

And then I got the news. With my most recent promotion and the management restructuring, I, once again, am in charge of that location...their supervisor will be my direct report. And she's applied for the supervisor position along with a few other people including a couple of co-workers.

So I really shouldn't have been surprised when she called. And I guess I wasn't. But when I was sitting at home last night, IMing with friends and posting on message boards...and I suddenly received an IM from her...after the months of dormancy...yeah, I was a tad surprised.

I swear, she must think I'm the most naive person...and that I'm completely incapable of seeing through her very obvious ploys. She "claimed" that she wasn't IMing me to find out if I'd made a decision. But she asked. And I anticipated that she'd ask. And then suddenly it was all about missing hanging out...a decision SHE made. She told me how she missed our friendship and that she felt like she didn't know how to talk to me anymore. And you know how the whole thing struck me? MANIPULATIVE!!!

This girl is just sooo self involved. It took me longer than usual to notice it because she's kinda quiet and mousy and passive aggressive. And it took till last year to notice it. And I thought maybe it was just a bad week. Last year, after hurricane Charley, lots of people in this area were displaced, homeless, powerless (both literally and figuratively). Her family lost their pool cage and a few shingles. The company we worked for was an integral part of the whole thing. Afterall, we work for a communications company...the only one up during that time. Anyway, we were asked to help out at the emergency call center while our location was closed for business. Our company paid us our hourly salary plus overtime and quota relief. And she was complaining. She felt she should be with her family in "their time of need". I thought it was selfish.

My best friend is ill. He confided in her about his illness. After I left...she made a crack to another employee about being sick of him and his illness and that she found it to be bull crap. Nevermind that it's a legitimate illness and life threatening. So he's been sick a few days. She's gone on multiple vacations, then had a shoulder injury, then a foot injury...both required her to be out for a longer period of time...and they picked up her shifts with no complaint.

After I heard about the comment she made...behind his back, I was sick to my stomach. And I realized that I never really knew her. I was a part of her life as long as I was convenient and I could help her and her career.

When she asked me if I'd want to go shopping with her again for her newest wedding gown (because she's only been married a year, but apparently the wedding was more her mother-in-law's than hers), she thought it would be simple...and another way to "bond" with me since we hadn't spent time together in ages. In my new position, I was forced to turn her down. I don't want anyone misinterpreting my actions or thinking I'm playing favorites. And frankly, it wasn't a hardship. I didn't want to go. When I explained why, she acted hurt...(and I'm sure she was). And then she proceeded to tell me how all that I taught her months ago contributed to the skill she shows at her job now.

She started asking me if I knew anything about filing workers comp papers, etc. Fortunately, I wasn't lying when I said I had no idea. And if I hadn't, I still wouldn't have helped. She hurt her shoulder again. She claims it happened falling on the job. Funny thing about that....the tapes were reviewed...never saw a fall of any kind. It'll be interesting to see what happens there.

So how in the HELL could she...for one second...think that I would offer a supervisor role to someone like this? She went the extra mile in the beginning to get a recommendation to get hired. After that she just acted entitled. She wasn't willing to take on more responsibility, and what responsibility she DID take was all grudgingly taken. Then there's the fact that she's thrown every manager she's had under the bus....including me...the only one who really ever had her back. She isn't even willing to take a full-time position unless it's management because it's easier to make more money if she doesn't. It's like she's afraid of going above and beyond. And she doesn't exactly have the respect of her team. So why would I bother? Why would I go out on a limb and put MY business in her hands? Sorry, I've lost faith and she broke trust. It's done. I'm done.

I hate users. And the worst thing? She doesn't even see how transparent she is. And it's too bad. I'm a pretty good friend. And as a boss....I'm GREAT at getting people promoted.

Oh, well. Her loss. Maybe if she grows up she'll get an opportunity again.

Lighten UP!

I have some very goofy friends who send me the darndest things. When I saw the first one, I cracked up.

I remember when the myth was that masturbation could make you go blind! I guess the threat didn't work any better with other people than it did with me.

Can you imagine the kitty graveyard out there if THAT statement were true?

Isn't that the REAL American past time? I think there are more Americans that masturbate than watch the world series.

As for the second pic? Well, that one's self explanatory.

And ANYONE who is or has worked in any form of a service industry understands this one all too well.

It kinda reminds me of the picture we used to have posted in our back office...it was a big circle with an X in the center...and at the bottom it said....

"Bang head here!"

There are always days...

It's our humor that helps us survive them. That and Alcohol.

I love my friends! They're great for making my laugh JUST when I need it.

The ME in the Mirror

I was in a chat with a bunch of friends last night, when someone mentioned seeing an article about Kirstie Alley and having her stomach stapled.

"Isn't she the Jenny Craig spokesperson?" someone asked.

We were all pretty sure she was...but apparently Jenny Craig only KINDA worked for her. So she had her stomach stapled. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

Women of today already have self esteem and image issues, all these unrealistic expectations they're trying to live up to. Not everyone can be Kate Moss....THANK GOD!

But on the other hand, it doesn't help to watch people represent things like "healthy" weight loss and then find out that she's had her stomach stapled. So going on Jenny Craig won't yield the average person the same results as Kirstie, will it? So how fair is it to hold HER up as the example of what Jenny Craig can do for you? It's hypocritical, not to mention even more damaging to the already fragile female self esteem.

Of course this is just one more in a long line of unrealistic expectations. I mean, in the '80's and early '90's people were gobbling up Jane Fonda work outs. How funny is it that despite all her exercise videos, she'd had liposuction to help her figure and image out?

And what does this say to the everyday person? That if you've got money, you don't HAVE to take care of yourself...with enough money, you can BUY the body you want....and laziness is acceptable.

Gotta love the double standards. I still say the old fashioned way of hard work, exercise, diet and self control are more effective, not to mention easier on your system.

But hey, I could be wrong.

I've heard it's happened once or twice.

Mayday, Mayday!

There's this boy. He flirts. With me. A lot.

He's definitely a temptation. He's got blond hair, chocolate brown eyes, prominent cheeck bones, chiseled jaw....and the cutest, tightest butt.

Butt's are very important. There's something about a bouncy, perky bubble butt that just catches my attention and draws the eye.

This young man is 18 years old.

I should run the other way.

I met him while I was working at one of my former locations. He's a technology geek. He knows how to use big words correctly...and he's still cute. It's tough to find guys in my age bracket that meet these requirements. And when I met him, he was jailbait. Sexy and Seventeen. And there he was...flirting with me...full of innuendo. I told him that as cute as he was, he was jailbait.

His response?

"It's only illegal if I tell."

The boy screamed trouble in neon! And yet...

I behaved. Then he turned 18. And he made sure I knew it. Whispered in my ear..."You know I'm legal now"....

And my libido went into overdrive. That was in March. I maintained control.

Then he called me last night. Not that this would be the first time he's called. But this time he asked me out. To a movie. A horror movie. We flirted...with eachother...and the idea...of a darkened theater...and me playing scared. And that we'd have the cover of darkness to hide any hanky panky. Is it wrong that when he said that he'd be quiet...(after intimating that he'd like my hands somewhere around his pants)...that I egged it on by saying that he doesn't know how good my hands are?

Like a good girl, I rainchecked... My friends are telling me to go teach the boy a thing or two...and have fun.

I think I'm gonna wind up pulling a Mrs Robinson.

Am I just delaying the inevitable?

At least I'm single...

Love And Marriage

I've been on vacation for the first time in years and I just got back. Ironically enough, the vacation called for me to fly out at the same time the hurricane was heading in....and we missed it. Yeah!

Having said that...today I spent catching up on my shows recorded on TiVo and I saw something that left me pretty appalled.

There was a nightly news teaser...it kinda disgusted me, not to mention turned my stomach.

I guess the new big thing is "divorce parties". They were filming them...you got to see themes, invitation cards, party hats, alcohol, high fives, etc. All I could think of was...how wrong...and how sad.

Here's a dissolution of marriage, and it's being lauded as the new "in" thing to do. Does marriage mean so little anymore? The destruction it causes families is now "no big deal"? And what about the carnage left behind? The broken dreams, the broken lives, the leftover kids? Do they not matter anymore?

Now, more and more, it seems that celebrating anniversaries are a thing of the past. Divorce is too easy. Marriage is entered too casually...with the thought "hey, if it doesn't work out, I can always get divorced." Color me old fashioned, but that's a HUGE part of why I haven't gotten married yet.

A few years ago I was at a wedding and in the first sentence the priest mentioned divorce. Granted it was in a different context, but all I could think of was that to even utter a word at that time is inappropriate...and it puts the thought into the excited bride and groom's minds. And I still believe in forever...in happily-ever-after. Maybe that makes me a sucker or a fool, but I do. And I believe that marriage takes work...and constant communication. Marriage is for the stubborn, for those who refuse to quit.

Now my parent's marriage didn't work out. And I do believe that there are certain exceptions to the rule...but overall, I think marriages stop working out because people stop trying and stop talking.

This weekend I was lucky enough to be a part of a surprise anniversary party for my best friend's parents. Their golden anniversary. I got to see their tears of appreciation and surprise that people loved them enough to plan this party out. Their life hasn't been easy. They've seen eachother through cancer, alcoholism, the death of children and grandchildren, but at the base was always a love of eachother and their kids. It was wonderful to get the opportunity to bask in their love...to celebrate THAT!

Thriving in love and marriage...THAT's worth celebrating...

Giving up has never been something worth a party to me.

Different Levels of Torture

Why do women put themselves through it? Is it vanity? Some misguided idea that it makes us more attractive to the opposite sex? That it makes our asses somehow look smaller and our legs look longer? Because we can't possibly be doing it just for ourselves. I swear, it's a great way to torture a person... If this is what they do at P.O.W. camps I'd have been talking inside 15 minutes.

What am I talking about? NEW high heeled shoes, of course! Breaking them in is wicked and cruel...and yet we inflict this on ourselves.

Bought a new pair a couple days ago. They always seem fairly comfortable when you leave the store....after they get the money out of you. Once you own them? They're instruments of pain. I'm sooo not wearing black to work tonight.

The real irony? "My Feet Hurt" is code between me and a couple of my gay friends for "Hot guy, check him out!" As I'm breaking in these new shoes there's much confusion. That's okay, it's revenge for what Jared did to me the day I bought them. I was helping him out at work...walked across the way to the store where I bought the shoes...but not till after I told him where I'd be going.

I came back...he was nowhere to be found. I asked Sarah where he'd went...praying that he was at the back storage unit. She said he'd left to return to the mall across the street. I told her to call him...the call went something like this.

Sarah: "Hey!"
Jared: "What's Up?"
Sarah: "Are you at the mall?"
Jared: "Yeah, lots of stuff to do, boss is whining about making sure everything looks good here."
Sarah: "Did you forget anything?"
Jared: "What are you talking about?"
Sarah: "Do you remember who you drove over here?"
Jared: "Huh?"
Sarah: "Do you remember who you walked in here with?"
Jared: "Oh, Shit! I forgot Kat!"
Sarah: "Uh huh!"
Jared: "Doh! Tell her I'll be there in a few minutes. Crap!"

Me...sitting there...feeling very forgotten and unloved for the moment. But only a moment. Then, I did what any self respecting best friend would do. I called his boyfriend and pimped him out for forgetting me. Oh, yeah. Between Mike and me, he'll never hear the end of it.

Now I don't feel so bad for taking pictures of large women in spandex bent over, cottage cheese and T-back hanging out...and sending it to his camera phone. Revenge is sweet!

Understanding Love

I was talking to this guy on my way into work the other day. It was one of those mundane days until he said something that I've heard him say a couple times now....but this time it made me see red. And I responded.

He said..."You'll never understand the love of God until you have a child of your own."

This bothered me on a few levels. So I outright told him that I didn't agree. I just don't find the love of God and the love of children to be mutually exclusive. Now I know, some people will look at me and assume I'm being defensive because I'm single and haven't had children yet. If that's how they choose to read this, so be it, but that statement was too patronizing and simplistic, not to mention insulting to pass up.

I don't feel that having children is a prerequisite to understanding the power of the love between God and man. For some, maybe having a child is the first time that they experience an unselfish relationship where they'd give up anything for the well being of someone else. I think that for those people, it's true...it's the first time they've felt a pure bond with someone...so it's the first time they've felt a kinship with their maker...or seen that the world must be bigger than what we see...because they see their child as a miracle. Wonderful for them.

But what about the childless? The ones with hearts so full of love that they adopt...the child isn't flesh of their flesh...but the love is no less strong. Or what about the flipside? What about parents like Susan Smith and others that litter the news? They were given the gift of children...and they chose to snuff it out. Did having children touch their hearts and souls? Obviously not...or at least not in a good way.

And what about people who give up the right to have children who dedicate their lives to God and ministry...because they choose to sacrifice the right to have children...does that mean that even in direct service of God they can't feel that grace? I don't think so.

Me? I love children. I don't have any right now. It wouldn't be fair to bring any into my world at this time when I'm so career driven. Children deserve to be the number one priority. I firmly believe that. And at this point in my life I can't offer it. Does that mean I don't understand what it's like to love and be loved by God?

I don't know....I've always felt his love surround me. It's what's given me strength in the hardest times in my life. I'm not a preachy person by nature. I don't force my beliefs on others...but I've never questioned my own values. I know that when I've hurt the most, or been the loneliest...God's always been there...sometimes in a beautiful summer day to put a smile on my face and remind me that there's beauty, even with pain. Other times it's with a friend to give me that hug I need to get through the day. Sometimes it's been with someone who needs me...allowing me to take my mind off myself and my own problems and help them out, reminding me that things can get better.

I've lost two brothers. And you know what helped me get through that? Having a God to believe in. Feeling touched and comforted in my darkest times. And knowing that I have the chance to see them again.

I also pointed out to this guy...if your whole belief in God stems only from the love of your children...what happens to that belief and faith if something bad were to happen? If, and I pray it never does, you lose a child? Do you then also lose your faith? If so, was it ever truly faith?

I believe that it's through the simplest, purest things in life that you start to see the beauty of a greater power. For me, that's God. Does my not having a husband or children make my relationship with him any less real?

I think not.

Beer Goggles

If ever I forget...Here's another reminder why moderation in all things is to be admired...LOL!

One of my closest friends, Jared, introduced me to Bloodhound Gang. Their song "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk" is classic.

Truthfully, I'm not much of a big drinker...due to prior experience I'm cautious. Too much of a control freak. That and I'm not big on drinking and driving. I've only been mildly drunk twice in my life...and never to the point of puking. Both times were wild fun. And I was with people I trust.

Now back to Jared, he's a riot. He called me up tonight a tad drunk. The thing about him...he's gay. And he's the coolest, funniest guy I know. He's also the only person who's ever managed to get me a tad bit tipsy.

He called me tonight because he'd been drinking, he was horny...and he said he was in the mood for phone sex. With me, apparently. I found this to be hysterical. He's like that. His boyfriend was at work. He told me to talk dirty to him. He never ceases to make me laugh.

So Perceptive

I was talking to my best friend this morning. She's been struggling within herself. She's not fully comfortable in her own skin quite yet. She doesn't realize all the beauty she has to offer the world. She's going to nursing school right now...and I think, finally she's starting to come to terms with the fact that she's a lot stronger and tougher than she gives herself credit for.

It's funny how perceptive she can be sometimes. She'd told me she'd read my last post...a tribute to my mom, and that she'd liked it. Funny, when I wrote it, I didn't think of it as a tribute to my mom. I was just talking.

I laughed...said something along the lines that it may be kinda hypocritical considering how my mom and I are like oil and water. You put the two of us in the same room for too long and it can be a dangerous thing. My mom has very strong opinions, so do I. And we're both quite formidable and used to getting our own ways. We don't always see the world the same way. We know better than most how to hit eachother below the belt to cause optimal pain. She's got a very Latin...flash-in-the-pan...type of temper. Mine's very Chinese...slow to boil...but God help you if I lose it. She says things in anger, she doesn't think...I'm very deliberate. It's scary how deliberate I can sometimes be.

But Natty pointed something out to me. She said..."Kat, bottom line is that you know that the most important parts of who you are come from the way she raised you. You know that at your most basic, you learned a lot from her and you're smart enough to love and appreciate her for that. It's part of what lets you be so different from her and still love her."

Ya know, that Natty Jo is awful smart sometimes.

My Mother Taught Me

For all that I have a reputation for being a wild child, I spent one of the most relaxing days I've had in a while...chillin' out online with a good friend who's currently living in Germany...trading tunes back and forth. The afternoon was spent catching up on some of the programs I'd TiVo'd. There's a part of me that's a homebody at heart...and there are some that would be SHOCKED to hear that.

It's strange how reputations come about. I've heard myself called anything from Dominatrix Kitty to little goodie-two-shoes. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. One of my guy friends once told me that when he met me he thought I was going to be a bitch because I was Asian. Apparently the Asian women of his acquaintance have all been heartless and cruel...tearing his heart out and then stomping on it. It's funny how people stereotype the second they hear I'm half Asian. One of my former employees looked at me when he realized I was Asian and said that I must be a "freak". I laughed. He was talking sexually.

I'm thinking that whole thing stems from the whole Lucy Liu scene in Charlie's Angels...And yeah, there's truth to the myth...I could totally see myself in leather. I own a biker jacket. I like to get my own way in the bedroom and out...and usually do...;-) But hey, that applies to lots of confident women.

Of course there's the dark side of the Asian myth...and I can tell you right now...I'm nobody's geisha girl.

I take pride in my Filipina background. My mom made sure I knew that side of my heritage. When we were stationed there when I was a child, I could have been enrolled in the Base schools like all the other military brats. Mom chose a different way. She enrolled me in a private Filipino school. And I loved every minute. I learned to speak Tagalog fluently within three months, and Kapangpangan in six...and taught it to my mom.

But my mom raised me to be more than just a mestisa with knowledge of both sides of her heritage. She raised me to think for myself, to be independent, to have a wild heart...and a big and loving one. My mom is huge on self reliance. Probably mostly because it had been a genuine concern for her.

She met my dad when she was 15. Married him when she was 17. Had me at 19...along with three younger siblings...all two years apart. Dad made a lot of promises. My mom is intelligent, but was looking for a better way for herself. Dad promised to take her away from everything and supply her with a college education. That was only the first of many promises he welched on. So when it ended after my youngest brother died...She had three children to support and no means to do so. And yet she did it. Amazingly, against all odds, she did it. She's an amazing and strong woman. I'm proud of her...and I know I don't say it nearly often enough.

Of course that's because I'm her biggest disappointment. I was the smart one, the brainiac who everything came easily to...and I chose not to continue my education...thus, effectively squashing her dreams for both of us. She wanted me to be somebody...like a doctor or a journalist or something along those lines. I wasn't as interested. And because she pushed so hard, I'm ashamed to admit...I rebelled...I went to college, but never finished. These days I'm thinking I'll go back.

But she did teach me a few things. She taught me that hard work and dedication matters. She taught me to believe...family--above all else, always. She taught me loyalty to friends. She taught me to be self sufficient, that I can be anything I want to be. She helped me explore my passion for writing and music.

Most importantly...She taught me some very important things about love. She taught me that the importance in self sufficience was so that you'd always know that you could take care of yourself. This way, if someone came along, you'd be with that person because you want to, not because you need to or you're afraid not to. She taught me that it's hugely important to be happy with the person I see in the mirror because it's hard for anyone to love you if you can't love yourself. And she taught me to never give up.

She told me when I was younger to date as many guys as I wanted to so that when the "right" guy came along, I'd know it. And she told me to never settle, and that being generous doesn't make you weak. And that beauty is skin deep, and in the eye of the beholder...always, always look deeper. Value things like loyalty, honesty, trust, intelligence...because ultimately, they're much more important than a pretty face.

That mom of mine is a pretty smart lady....(who says you need a college degree to be smart?)

Friends

I Will Not Be Broken

This song has become my mantra. I've always been a huge Bonnie Raitt fan...but this one spoke to me. Maybe it's because I've been examining my life a little more closely lately. Maybe it's because I've been probing deeper and found that although I can bend, I will not break. I'm not nearly as fragile as I appear.

I have a friend who's going through certain similarities in her life right now. So I sent the song along to her. Living with a sexual assault is always tough...and it doesn't matter how old you are or what the circumstances were...it's just never something easily gotten over.

I was ten when I was abused. Some might say it wasn't as "serious" as others because I didn't lose my virginity. They'd be wrong. To be violated, to be penetrated, to have kisses forced upon you...none of that is easy to deal with...or to block out. And the fact that I was an innocent 10 years old...it makes it tougher.

The guy who did this was my mom's best friend's husband. I didn't want to tell my mom about it. I was ashamed. But I had a very good friend who I'd confided in. She convinced me we needed to tell our moms. Together. And she held my hand as I told. The thing about it was that I had some warped logic that if I could keep his attention on me, he'd never touch my little sister or his own daughter...so in some way, I was protecting them. My 10 year old mind didn't understand that if he wanted to take something, he'd find a way. And that the bags of chocolates he gave me were deliberate attempts to silence me and make me feel guilty...as much as my arm jackhammered behind my back had been when he'd insisted I touch him.

Recently my friend asked me if I was angry with my mom or her best friend for what happened to me. It was a good question...one I'd never considered. I know I hate the man who did this to me. I know I was hurt and felt betrayed by my dad's lack of response and anger...but my mom? Never crossed my mind. So I thought about it. I wasn't angry with my mom. I was relieved. Grateful to have her there. She was always a constant support to me. Her righteous anger and indignation was somehow a salve on my fearful and wounded soul...helping me to realize that none of this was my fault. I heard her prayers at night...and her tears of regret. I know she prayed the most evil of plagues down on his head...and she probably still does...twenty plus years later.

As for his wife, my mom's best friend? I feel sorry for her. I still love her like an aunt. My mom and I talked, trying to decide if it was the right thing to do...telling her...if we should press charges. The whole thought made me a bit sick to my stomach at first. Then I started thinking. They have two children who's lives would be destroyed. My mom's best friend has a serious heart condition and a weak heart...and this could kill her. I'd have to be dragged through it again. And this may sound cheesy, but...we prayed about it...and slept on it. And then made the decision not to do anything about it except to remove me from the situation. We figured that any punishment that our legal system could think up...God was going to come up with something far worse for hurting one of his little ones. And if anything happened to my mom's best friend, I'd never forgive myself.

So I prayed for the strength to forgive...and to find a useful outlet for all the hurt I'd been through. I also prayed that I'd be normal. That the things this monster did to me wouldn't turn me into a person I couldn't face every day in the mirror. And I worked very hard...because I know that people who've been abused can become abusers themselves...and that was my biggest nightmare. And then there was the fear that I'd never be able to have a normal relationship...because women who've been abused as children usually go one of two ways...they become entirely too promiscuous or they become so puritanical that they may as well be nuns. I didn't want to be either. I just wanted to be normal and happy.

Because of my abuse, I've always taken a firm stance with guys in my life. I'm very upfront about my "no's". I didn't want any misunderstandings as to my meanings. I didn't want someone to misconstrue my no to really be a tease. And it worked. Guys respected what I said. And I took things slowly. I waited till I was 20 to lose my virginity. And somewhere along the way, I learned to not be afraid of myself and my sexuality. And I also learned that for all the hardships, I'm a survivor. And that I could help people with what they'd been through.

My experiences helped me give my best friend the support she needed when her suppressed memories of childhood trauma came up. It was having gone through what I did that helped me listen to what people weren't saying...and not jump to conclussions when a close friend in highschool said she lost her virginity to a stranger...(something she'd always joked about doing so that she wouldn't have to face awkwardness of the morning after)...and had me asking what happened. I still remember her breaking down in my arms and telling me that she'd been at a party, gotten drunk...and hadn't been strong enough to fight him off. I became the person people came to when they needed someone to listen and not judge....someone to be on their side and help see them through.

And the strangest thing is...that I think God started taking care of this guy who dared hurt one of his children. Apparently, his son saw what he'd done to me...although he'd tried to pretend he hadn't...and tried to block it out. And he told his mom...while they were on vacation. She cried. To this day, I still think she feels she owes me. She doesn't.

And then, that son, so like a brother to me, began to date a friend of mine who I'd talked to about the abuse...because she'd been there too. She decided to tell him about it....something I never wanted. He called and asked, and God, I wished I could lie. But I never could. Not about that. So I told him the truth. And he confronted his dad. I can still hear his voice ringing in my head..."How could you, dad? She was my age....MY AGE! She's like a SISTER to me!" And that evil man fell from grace in the eyes of his son...with no way to defend himself. That year, my friend wound up trying to OD on some meds....because he couldn't face what his dad had done. I think that's when the horror of what he'd done began to catch up to him. He almost lost his only son.

The best part, though, is seeing the fear in his eyes...as he tries to look at the adult I've become. He can't...there's too much guilt for him to be able to face me head on. But he knows. I see him for who he is, the coward, the fool, the perpetuator of evil.... I know what he did. I'm not angry anymore, nor am I stupid. But he knows. I'm a survivor. He didn't break me. He never will. And for now, that's all I need.

Herbal Tea and Sympathy

For the past few days I've been feeling like crap. I'm talking the achy, throbbing, headached, generally miserable kind of crap. Right now I'm beginning to wonder if there's any other kind.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I left work early and now I'm sitting here looking a fright in sweats (mind you I'm in Florida and the weather's great), Vicks on my chest, Advil in my person...sipping on some caffeine free Lemon herbal tea in a mug that boasts "I <3 My Attitude Problem"

What I should do is crawl my sorry butt into bed and get some rest. But I'm just too wound up for that to be effective. I'm excited, damn it! And sick. So I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Here's the thing. I just found out from my boss that it looks like I'm getting another promotion. I'm thrilled. Ecstatic! I'm ready for new challenges. I'm not able to release any details yet, but this is something to sing and dance about!

And here I am, brought low by either bad allergies or a cold. Worse yet? I'm at home alone for the week...no one to take care of me. Not that I'm the type anyway, but sometimes being coddled can feel really good. It makes me miss my mommy and all her little food concoctions she used to make for me when I was sick as a child. Now if I want something, I've got to drag my butt out there and cook it myself.

Am I too old to say...."Whaaaa!"?

Business and Pleasure Island

Went to Orlando yesterday. Work sent me there. Fortunately for me, a few of my friends were also there. It was a business function. The actually planned a scavenger hunt (my team won) that landed us in front of Pleasure Island. For those not familiar with Disney...Pleasure Island is a part of Disney that comes alive in the evening. There are all sorts of clubs for all sorts of musical tastes and styles...which means that alcohol also flows like water.

The company rented out 8 Trax (a club for 70's-80's music lovers) for dinner. The only thing that sucked was trying to eat standing up...and trying to figure out what you were eating because the lights were dimmed. Along with this, every person there with our company was given a wrist band that got us into any club on Pleasure Island without having to pay the cover. So you had the combination of people at a work party, with video camera phones and access to an awful lot of alcohol...I'm sure there's a lot of blackmail material everywhere now...LOL!

A few of us stopped at Bongo's while killing time before dinner. We got an early start on the drinks. Well...if you consider 5pm to be early. I started the night with my favorite...Grey Goose and orange with a splash of cran. Yummy! I needed a break.

I spent the rest of the night on the dance floor with the boys... and a couple of brave girls who decided to stay out. Most of the ladies wussed out because of the early morning meeting the next day. We hit about 3 clubs, but wound up spending the majority of the night dancing to old school music right back where we started. I guess I showed them that the "old" women can "hang"...and usually they do it better than the ones half their age.

Nothing like dancing the night away...and then finishing it off with a special playmate...It's been too long since I did something completely decadent and just for me... Bottom line, I woke up early that morning...sore, but refreshed...and then had to head over to my hotel room...

But what happened in Orlando...stays in Orlando.

Away Time

It's already been a long week and it just started.

Thank goodness for the break from the monotony of a routine. I'm headed to Orlando for a "summit".

Heh! That sounds so much more important than it actually is. That's probably why they named it thus. They're always thinking, those Marketing people.

But anyway, I'll be headed out for this thingie. I'm just grateful for my friends. We'll all be hanging out afterhours. I'm sure libations will be had by all. There's talk of a sojourn to Pleasure Island...Never been there...so we shall see. Regardless, it's been a long few weeks and Miz Kitty's in need of a bit of fun.

I may even take in a booty call while I'm out there...;-) Gotta love those friends with benefits.

The rule for the Summit? "What Happens In Orlando Stays In Orlando."

Sometimes rules are good.

Bewildered

What is WRONG with people?

I'm still scratching my head.

I got a text from a friend. He's at a Bon Jovi concert tonight....which totally rocks!

And yet his text read: 'Oh my god. I'm at a Bon Jovi concert with a friend of mine and this is pretty rough. :-( And I'm sweating! Biotch dragged me along. Arg. :-('

What person in his right mind is gonna complain about watching Bon Jovi?

It takes all kinds, I guess.

He'd probably rather see Luda....

Verizon Wireless and Hurricane Katrina

Something cool that Verizon Wireless is doing to aid in the Hurricane Katrina relief....

On your Verizon Wireless Phone...send a text message to the address...2HELP. It will allow you to automatically donate $5....and you can do it up to 5 times...donating a total of $25.

Just another way to help.

Sunday Afternoons

I'm a huge football fan, especially the Cowboys. It confuses people all the time because I'm from Chicago....well, KINDA from Chicago.

Here's the story...When I moved back to this country (I'm a military brat who got to travel all over-including Germany, the Philippines...and California-which sometimes might as well be another country)...the first team I saw play football was the Dallas Cowboys...and that was back in the day of Tony Dorsett...so, of course, I did what any good tomboy would do....I fell in love. With the game. With the team.

And then I lived in Chicago during the season of the '85 Bears. They became my #2 team. I still have the VHS tape of the Superbowl Shuffle...shhhh! Our little secret, K?


For a long time, I've loved Sundays. I hated having jobs that would require me to work...because then I'd miss the games. And I've had NFL Sunday Ticket for a while, now.

Now, I get my Sundays back. And today was a perfect one...even if my 'Boys weren't playing. I got to kick back, turn on the tube, order some Chicago Style Pizza, drink a cold drink and just veg!

The best part? The Bears Kicked the Lion's Butts! Barring injury, they could actually be decent this year. As could my 'Boys!

I LOVE Sundays!

The Earth Moved

My back yard is all dug up...but I'm excited. I can't wait till this project is done. This is the first thing I've added on since building the house. It should be fabulous. Now it's a matter of waiting for the deck to go in...and the cage to go up...and the pool to be completed. I'm not just a little thrilled. Now I don't have to leave home to get my cardio...and if I wanna skinny dip...who's gonna stop me? :-D

Thank goodness for watersports! And if your mind's in the gutter, good...then I'm not the only one. Hahaha!

Fallen From Grace

You know what sentence ticks me off like no other?

"Let's start over"

Honestly, if you're talking about a physical act, I'm cool with it. Usually, though, I hear this in reference to relationships....after someone's screwed up so bad they're not sure how to salvage it.

And it's my dad's favorite sentence....or so it feels.

Although I've forgiven my dad, and I don't hate him...there's still a lot of hurt...and residual trust issues. He broke my heart in a way that no man has been able to since. Maybe he's the reason I'm extremely cautious about giving my heart...or saying I love you....to the point where some have said I've got "fear of committment issues".

It's a lot deeper than my dad cheating on my mom...numerous times...blatantly...making my mother the laughingstock of the town. It's deeper than being born with an eye infection because dad didn't keep it in his pants and passed an STD along to his 19 yr old bride. Thank GOD there was no permanent damage...to me OR my mom.

It's more than the fact that even though my mom stuck it out for as long as she could...tried to make things work...until she finally couldn't take it....because he'd screwed up again. Paul died...and dad was no where to be found...apparently he was out "diddling" some woman behind mom's back. The fact that my mom stuck it out for 13 years is a testament to how strong SHE is.

But I think the day that my dad broke my heart was the week after Jonathan died...when he'd flown in (after he missed the funeral) to be with us. He took my sister and I for a few days to spend time with us. That was the week I finally told him about the fact that I was sexually abused. (Thankfully, my virginity was still intact...the abuse was more fondling, etc) But I digress. After I told my dad (and my uncle Mike...who was also there) what happened to me...and by who...My uncle acted like he wanted to kill someone. There was a righteous anger there...on my behalf. My dad...not so much. It was more, oh, I'm sorry that happened. And although he knew the guy who'd perpetrated the crime...he didn't seem to care. There was no anger....no nothing. And we've never talked about that day since.

His reaction hurt me. I felt like a dad should want to protect their child. He should be angry if and when that child is hurt or threatened. And a crime like that...a sex crime...is one of the worst. But he just shrugged it off.

And I've only seen him twice in the last 13 years. And when he married my step mom...I found out...fait accompli...in a Christmas card...he signed it with...Love, your dad...and Remy, your new step-mom. I felt the love. I wasn't even asked to the wedding.

And then he tells me he wants to start over? We can have a relationship. We can get to know eachother again. Maybe one day I'll understand where he's coming from...and hopefully he'll try to understand me...but we can't start over as if none of this stuff happened.

It did. And he missed me growing up. And there's too much water under the bridge.

I'm not out to hurt him. I'm not vindictive like that. But I'm honest ( brutally so). I'll never look at him with the innocence I had as a child. One of our more recent conversations...I had to tell him to please quit blaming and bad mouthing my mom. She's always been there for me...which was more than I could say for him.

What cracks me up is that a few years back we talked about me getting married...and I mentioned that I was thinking I'd have my mom walk me down the aisle. I mean, she'd been there for EVERYTHING...and that's a spot you EARN...your DNA doesn't automatically get you that spot. And when I told him I wasn't going to ask him for that...apparently he got offended. He hung up and told my sister.

Bless her...Her response ways, "Yeah? I'm not having you walk me down the aisle, either."

I love my dad. But he's a weak man. He's definitely fallible...and he makes mistakes. He never put his children first...at least not with me and my family.

My mom couldn't be more opposite. She's got a steely spine...

I'm so glad I inheritted that trait from her.

Scandals and Sex Toys

A friend of mine sent me this a couple of weeks back. It's real article from a UK newspaper.

Is it wrong that I found this hysterical...And at the same time could totally understand the woman's motivation?

Hey, it's just a way to spice up grocery shopping, right? I think the only thing that could've been better is if someone else had been holding on to the remote control.

Kinky fun gone awry!

Not that it would shock me or anything...

I still remember calling the Post Op ward to get a bed for a gentleman with a Penile fracture... I didn't think you could fracture the beast.... and as this poor guy was recovering...all I could think of was...Hmmm, I wonder if they cast the thing? ;-)

Then there was the woman who thought it would be all kinds of kinky fun to shove a thermometer in her hubby's urethra... I'm still confused as to what she was thinking... The thermometer could've broken...then what? It was a mercury thermometer.

But my all time favorite was the college student home for winter break who lost her B.O.B. inside...and couldn't get it out.

Yeah, the longer you live...the more strange stuff you see....

Family Album

I'm the oldest child of five.

It's so strange to think of that because when I think of my immediate siblings, I only think of my sister...Chris. She's two years younger than me.

This is a pic of me, my sis and my Mom. I'm the one in Blue.

But, extended families being what they are today...I have another sister. She's a halfsie...but no less important. Her name is Vanessa. She's the baby. She's sweet, naive, innocent...all the things I miss.... And she makes me feel OLD.

When I turned 30...she turned 15. HALF MY AGE!!!

To me, where family is a very close knit group, it's hard to think that a little girl who I've only seen in person twice in my life could be my sister. And yet I feel connected to her. Bonded to her as much as I do the siblings I grew up with.

My parents married when my mom was 17. It was a different world back then...literally. They met on Clark Air Force Base in the Philippines. My dad was that handsome, wiser, older man. He was 7 years my mom's senior. And he had blond hair and blue eyes. In the Philippines, those are a prize. I was born two years later.

Maybe that's why my relationship with my family is so complicated. I'm the black sheep. Some nights it bothers me. I feel like a disappointment. Most of the time I know my mom's proud of me and the person I've grown into.

I didn't say anything...but when my aunt Linda told me that my dad had said that Vanessa was his only "true" child....it stung. I don't begrudge her my dad or his time and attention. I'm glad he finally did right by one of his children. The part that hurt was the implication that somehow Chris and I weren't his "real" children. I knew what he meant. He wasn't there to raise me and Chris...and Jonathan and Paul died way too young.

But that was his fault. And although I've forgiven him....I don't think I'll ever forget. He chose to leave and go back to the Philippines when we needed him most. He cheated on my mom. He left, even when his parents begged him to stay stateside to be with his grieving children...who'd already lost too much when we lost Paul. He made a choice. And if I hadn't kept the communication lines open...if I hadn't called or made an effort...I'd wouldn't have ANY relationship with him except for cards at Christmas and on my birthday...when he remembers.

Vanessa is his only real child be default because she's the only one he actually raised. And finally, FINALLY...he showed up. And I'm glad for him. I'm most happy for her. She'll never know what it's like to feel abandoned by him. She'll never feel the pain of knowing she was picked second over strangers. She'll always be the most important person in his life. And he'd better cherish her in the ways he never did us.

She's the only innocent in all this. She deserves to be loved and happy.

She's my baby sister...

Bottom line is SHE knows she's loved. I'm glad.

Discovering Me...

I've been exploring my way around this site...snooping in here and there.

Pretty cool!

There's stuff all over...for all kinds of different tastes.

Here, you can talk about anything. You can be anything and everything you are. And it's all good. I think that's the freedom I find in writing here. I can spill out my soul or my stupidity or my vanity or anything else I feel like discussing.

I'm reserving the right to keep these pages as work free as possible. This shall be my escape from my workaholic self.

Here I'll explore myself.

A friend asked me a few days back if I had any advice for her. She was feeling down. She likes my positive outlook on life. Words of wisdom...from me. The request from someone I soooo admire. It floored me!

The truth is, overall, I AM a positive person...although I'm not quite sure what happened to make me that way. The whys. I've never really analyzed it before. I just took it for fact.

Now I'm starting to look inward, delve into the whys....

This will be a journey for me

And this is as good a place as any for self discovery.

The Birthday Party

Sometimes, the best thing for you is the one thing you don't want to do.

My friend Al's birthday was yesterday. I owe a lot to this guy.

He hired me into the company that I'm building my career in. Thanks to his mentoring, I've been promoted 4 times in the last 2 years. He'd tell you it wasn't exactly tough considering how ambitious I am. Leadership and mentoring come naturally to me.

That and I could sell ice to Eskimos.

But I digress.

This week has been a tough one for me.

I'm normally little Kitty Sunshine... But not these last couple of weeks. And last night was his birthday.

He'd called me last Thursday to tell me not to make plans for Tuesday night because we'd be hanging out in a nearby town. And that I had no excuse. I'd been given early notice. (He thought I was going to wuss out). Truth is, I wanted to. I was in no partying mood.

But it was HIS birthday. This wasn't ABOUT me. So I prepared myself to suck it up. One of my best friends, Sean, came to meet me at my work...and he followed me to The Ale House. I didn't tell Al what was going on with me. Sean didn't mention it either. It wouldn't be fair to lay that on Al, and he'd just feel bad for "making" me be there.

I got there thinking..."I'll just paint on a happy face...help him celebrate, then go home and crawl into bed."

Imagine my surprise when I had fun! Sometimes the best thing to kick a person out of a funk is to be happy for someone else! I'd forgotten that lesson. We all got Al cheesy cards, we teased him about his "ho's in different area codes"...then we told him he was on a drinking schedule. The goal of the evening was to get him shaiza faced.

Now Al...he's a total guy's guy. So I almost died laughing when Sean leaned across the table to ask me what the biggest wussy drink I could think of was....(not counting coolers, etc). We got him a sex-on-the-beach...and had them garnish the heck out of the glass lip. It looked like the biggest fru-fru drink ever! The look on his face was comical! The look on his face when he tasted it was better. He's a total Rum and Diet Coke guy....sooo....LOL!

Next came the crazy stuff. They got him some kinda takillya shot. And then it got really creative. Sean ordered a milk shot with a slice of lime to decorate it. Al took one look and got nervous. He thought it might be a key lime pie shot... When he finally took a taste...he just shook his head.

Then there was the blowjob shot. Which we made him drink the RIGHT way... After he confiscated all our videocamera phones so that there was no blackmail material for later....LOL!

In the end, that night was exactly what I needed...and I made a friend's birthday. And that matters to me.

Being there...that's important.

Faith

It's funny how life works sometimes...

I was reading some of the comments written in response to my first posting.

To Carly...thanks...you're a pal for guiding me this way. I needed some space to just be me.

To the rest of you...thank you all for your responses. It was a great welcome.

A couple of them got me thinking.

I know I've still got issues to work out and vent away at. It's the truth. Writing to me has always been like sharing a part of my soul. It's always proven cathartic. When I was younger, I expressed myself in poetry. And when that didn't work, I'd sing. I'd find a song who's words touched at whatever I was feeling...good, bad or ugly...and I'd pour my soul into every word. I still do that.

Anger, hurt, fear...it's always there. But self distruction...I believe that's a choice. I try not to live in that world.

And when I don't always understand something, when I can't make sense of the "why's"....I try to figure out how I can use what I've been through to help someone else.

That probably sounds cheesy.

But it's true.

After my second brother died, people came to me...asked me if I blamed God...if it had shaken my faith. Again with the "Why did God take him so young?".

I learned something valuable...

I learned I am strong. That there aren't many storms that I can't weather.

One day, about a month after my brother died, the pain just seemed unbearable. I couldn't think, I could barely breathe, I was shaking... I found myself walking aimlessly around this new, unfamiliar neighborhood that my mom had moved us to.

I wound up sitting on the bleachers of a little league baseball field (thank goodness it wasn't season) crying as if my heart were broken...which, of course, it was. I couldn't stop. I felt like the whole world had gone black and I'd probably never see the sun again.

All of a sudden, I heard someone walking my way. I tried to hide my face. I didn't want anyone to see me cry.

This guy, James, walked up to me, pulled me in his arms...didn't say a word. He just let me cry. He offered me comfort. And when I finally stopped, he walked me home.

I firmly believe God sent him to me that day. He knew I was feeling weak...so he sent me someone to lean on.

Some may question it, but that behavior was so out of character for this guy. He was the most self-centered, ego-maniacal guy I knew back then. But not on that day. That day he was there for me.

And then, later on in the year....my experiences enabled me to help my close friend Jana when her step-mom died. And my friend Holly when her dad went into a coma. And neither of them would've come to me if they hadn't known that I'd understand.

It's funny how life works sometimes...

Random thoughts-Uncensored

I've needed some freedom to say what I want. Unedited!

I've been feeling stiffled. Concerned with hurting feelings. Tired of hearing how people know me better than me. Especially after spending all of a couple hours with me face to face. Total.

There's more to me than what meets the eye. Being kind isn't a crime. Wanting to see my friends happy doesn't make me a doormat. You'd be surprised at my steely spine!

Mom could tell you. I'm a chameleon. Yes, I can be loving, sweet, friendly, teasing.... But that's only a very small portion of who I am.

And don't flipping tell me I don't know "darkness". You have no idea about me and my world. I don't have to live in sack cloth and ashes to feel darkness and pain. Don't assume because I believe in happy endings and the power of prayer that I've never experienced pain or hurt. Or that I couldn't possibly understand dispair!

Let me tell you a little bit about dispair.

It's watching your two year old brother choke to death in front of your face...and not know what to do to save him. It's feeling guilty because you fed him the fruit that held the seed he choked on. It's having your ninth birthday forgotten in the wake of his death and funeral....which happened in the same time frame. It's moving to another country...without your dad. It's finding out your parents are divorcing (not that you're shocked...dad's been cheating for years...and you'd seen it) and being sexually molested by your mother's best friend's husband. It's having all this happen in the same ONE YEAR.

And if that's not enough? Let me add a few details. Like having your mother...in the heat of anger tell you that you killed your brother. And then have her not remember saying it. And you...not being able to erase it...because part of you felt that you deserved it.

Or losing another brother right before your freshman year in highschool. Or being the one in the ambulance with him as the paramedics fight to save his life...and having a car full of guys pull up next to the ambulance and attempt to hit on you. Or sitting in the waiting room....waiting for mom...sick to your stomach...waiting for news...afraid to hear what they have to say. And then finally hearing that he's brain dead. And being yelled at because you're too torn up to say a "proper" goodbye without breaking down in sorrow.

Then moving...yet again...so that you're no longer going to the highschool you were supposed to...but to a private school...because it will be "better" for you. And not being accepted as you walk in...at least by the girls...because they know the boys are going to see you as fresh meat.

And then there are the rumors that start when the boys realize you're not interested in them...calling you a "whore" or "slut"...things that are especially hurtful because of the abuse you'd experienced in your childhood. And worse yet, not being able to fight back the way you're used to because you can't afford to get into trouble...and you know your mom can't take anymore....she's still grieving. And then the ultimate...when deep in the back of your mind...you start to believe the lies.

But no, I'd know nothing about the feeling of darkness, of helplessness, of pain.

Not at all.