To The Depths

I finally got around to watching the final two episodes of Grey's Anatomy last weekend. It took me until now to be able to write coherently.

Kirk thought I was crazy. As I was watching the second to the last episode, I couldn't sit still. I couldn't stay in the room. I couldn't breathe. He didn't understand. To him it was just a show. To me it was a terrifying fear, one caused me to feel as though my heart were breaking again...the memories of some of the toughest moments of my life uncovered like the sun burns out the fog.

My reaction was purely emotional, completely irrational. I couldn't watch what Izzy was doing in the name of love. I couldn't justify it. I could barely wrap my mind around it. Even as I knew what she was doing and why, my soul was screaming out. The storyline brought me back to the deaths of my brothers...so vibrant and young...much, MUCH younger than Denny. Paul died at the age of 2...placed on life support for about a week prior. We donated his organs. Jonathan died at 10. His salvageable organs also donated. Someone out there has my brother's corneas. Someone else now has his kidneys. And I couldn't be more grateful for their lives. There's a comfort in knowing that somehow, somewhere...my brother made a difference...living on in that person, bettering that person's life.

They were taken away from me harshly, suddenly, irrevocably. So to watch Izzy deliberately shorten Denny's life on a chance...a whim...to take a chance away from another person, who also had people who loved him...who had kids who depended on him...? I had such a hard time. I couldn't watch her justify shortening his life as a viable way to steal a heart from someone else. I couldn't bear to see her take chances with a life she claimed was so prescious. I could hardly see past the wrong that she was doing...that didn't help him...only her. And turned out to be the wrong gamble anyway.

And it's not that I didn't sympathise with how Izzy was feeling. I did...better than many can understand. But to be so utterly selfish as to do what she did...it's hard. Not only does it bring back images I try to shove to the back of my mind daily of my brothers laying...shells of who they used to be...connected to tubes and respirators, but it breaks my heart for people who deserve the right to a normal life. I know how I would've felt had it been my brothers who had gotten bypassed for someone else due to a person's selfishness.

And I was heartbroken for Izzy when Denny died anyway. I felt for her. It doesn't change the fact that what she did was awful and selfish....and probably an action she'll regret forever.