In Threes...

They say they come in threes... People dying. The thought has had me holding my breath. Grandma Plass passed on a few weeks ago, Grandpa has been ill, and he's not a spring chicken anymore...so..I've been concerned...and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't want to think it, but I've been through a lot of loss in my life, so I realize it's just another part of the cycle. I'm able to be realistic about it, but it doesn't change that wish that maybe...just this once...things wouldn't have to be this hard.

And then I got the phone call. My sister called to tell me that my grandma was in the hospital. Now my grandma has a history of diabetes and heart issues. But she'd been doing pretty well. Somehow she must have fallen or something, because they took her into the ER complaining of pain on top of all her other issues. It turned out that she had a fractured Thoracic vertebra. Unfortunately it wasn't going to heal...and it would degenerate...pushing downward on her spinal column...eventually paralyzing her and leaving her in a lot of pain.

A decision had to be made. Do we put her on morphine to ease her pain? If we put her on morphine, are we ready to accept the consequences? The results would be that it would negatively impact all the meds she's taking for her heart and the rest....meaning that if we put her on the morphine, she'd be declining and eventually die...but she'd die painlessly, rather than live longer, but in more pain and paralyzed. So the family had a meeting and the decision was made. We took her off support, put her on morphine, and moved her to hospice.

The first day or two she did really well, and it looked as though she was going to be lingering for a while. But then the last few days she took a drastic decline...until this morning when my sister was visiting her and she woke up...grabbed her face, kissed her...and said "I love you, Christina." And then..."See you next time."

And this is the first time in about a week that she's been lucid. And she appears to be rallying...which strongly suggests to me that she's coming back to say goodbye and give everyone closure. In my gut, in my bones, I know that's exactly what this is. It weighs on me, making me wish I could be there...to say good bye...to let her know how much I love her. To make sure she realizes that I know that if it weren't for her I'd never have had a chance to know my dad's side of my family. That I appreciated her standing up for us, and fighting for us...even with my indifferent father. And yet I'm not able to be there. I have responsibilities here...and we don't know how long she has...and I need to be there for her funeral. So I'm torn up on the inside, aching...hoping and praying she knows just how much I absolutely adore her. She was the softest...gentlest...most loving anchor to the family. I'll be just a bit more devastated when she's gone...

I'm so grateful that she loved me... I'll always love her.